Navigating the Love Sea

I really have abandoned this blog. I didn't mean to......it's just....I moved. And got busy. And all of a sudden I wasn't sitting sadly on my couch at 3 am listening to Third Eye Blind and writing about life. I was off.....actually living it. 

So I really am sorry to whoever has been reading this and waiting for a new entry. I didn't disappear. I'm here. 

So....I figured, here's something that I wrote a couple months ago........with a few thoughts and an update of sorts. 

There will be an actual new entry soon. Promise.

"It's really hard to navigate the romantic waters when you have no compass and barely any idea what you're looking for. 

Dating websites are the grounds for possible happiness. But the overall experience is hit or miss.....sometimes with a whole lot of misses. 

I joined one such website last month. For the most part, I've sat back and had others message me. I've only actively pursued one guy ever in my entire life and my confidence level is not quite up to the challenge again. 

But I did always respond. Whether it was to call some dude out for being a despicable human being (Seriously.....NSA hook up with you? And keep it on the DL because you have a GF? Asshole) or to joke around with some wisecracker, I did write back. 

But I was unsure of whether I really wanted to meet anyone in real life. As long as they were just online, they were okay. Safe. Fake people....words on a screen and a couple pictures. Nothing tangible. 

I even had a massive panic attack at one request to meet up.

But spontaneity made me agree to take a chance and meet up with one guy. It went well.....at first. But then my anxiety, intuition and best friends were all there to point out that I might be repeating the past again.....down a long road of dependence and control. Somewhere I promised myself I'd never go again. 

Plus, he was kind of a dick. 

Regardless, I was disappointed. Disappointed in that jerk....that he was a jerk.  Disappointed with myself for being unable to judge character. And rather angry with the universe for thrusting this lesson on me yet again. And I'm overcome by the fear that I'll keep making the same mistakes. I had hopes.....though admittedly not for any one person. 

Just the hope that someone would want me. Me, for all of me, not just because I'm apparently cute when I get mad or that I'm easily manipulated. But because I've got a big heart and I'm too honest. Because I make weird voices, act like a nutcase after sugar or caffeine, cry when characters die in books or movies, scream at spiders, and do anything for those I care about. Because I make promises and keep them, absolutely have to write ideas down as they pop into my head on anything available, and might need to have a reassuring hand touch mine in the dark. 

I want someone who will appreciate my sense of humor, understand my quirks, deal with my occasional temper and hold me when I'm crying, even though I might tell them to go the hell away. I want someone who will dance like a basketcase with me, someone who can deal with my oldies playlist and not make fun of me, talk about weird stuff until 3 am, and who can appreciate how much my family and friends mean to me. 

And it's really scary to pin these hopes to another again. But I find myself reaching out from inside, always hopeful that maybe....that person is just around the corner." 

I'm guessing that last sentence or two was influenced by Simple Plan's Just Around the Corner. Knowing me, I was probably listening to it on some mildly sad/sappy/emotional playlist while writing the above because I was feeling kind of sad....sappy.....and emotional. That used to happen a lot. But not since August. Because around the beginning-ish of that month, I decided to say....screw it. Well, not really "screw it" but more like ......screw feeling sad because I was alone. Screw being afraid of falling in love just because I didn't ever want to feel like I'd rather be an emotionless Cyberman rather than feel anything ever again. 

As a valley girl would say, that is soooooo 2011. 

But basically, I figured out a couple things: A) I was entirely over my ex Homefries, B) I was not terrified of falling in love again and what's more, C) I actually was more open to it. As in, not pretending that internet people aren't tangible. 

I told the universe in a tentative manner that I was wearing my big girl pants. Finally. So bring it on, oh great and powerful universe cupid!


And the universe did. ^_^

Totally promise......more blogs in future! And hopefully more frequently. Updates on past few months!!

So...About This 100 Things Thing...

So in lieu of an actual blog entry (because I have a few big ones to write) I figured I'd take a crack at this.
There's this thing on the internet concerning a list of 100 things about yourself. How can you really have that many things to tell....and on the internet?

Well considering that blogs are always sharing lots of information, usually about oneself......I guess there is a hell of a lot to say. So...here's my list:


1) I'm a treehugger. Both literally and figuratively.

2) I'm also a writer. Which makes it hard to be a figurative treehugger when I'm killing so many of them with my notebooks and printer paper.

3) I am an only child.

4) My closest friends are like family.

5) I would do anything for them and for my biological family.

6) I have arachnophobia.

7) The proudest day of my life was graduating cum laude from college just over a year ago. Four years after being told by my math teacher/senior project panel that I wasn't going to get anywhere in the world with my work ethic and attitude. HAH

8) My college became my home....and I'm still trying to figure out where home is now.

9) I love real big. Even after getting torn open.

10) My cat is the most lovable cat in the world.

11) I hate math. Like seriously.

12) I can't divide without a calculator. Just don't even ask.

13) And fractions are a nightmare.

14) I used to leave plastic snakes lying around my grandparents house for my grandma to find as a prank.

15) I trust people a lot less than they think I do.....and a lot less than I think I do.

16) I'm still terrified of driving.

17) In anxious moments, I sometimes pretend I'm someone else. Like I'm an actress playing a role because it's easier to be someone else than myself.

18) Audrey Hepburn is my role model.

19) Sometimes I try to channel her awesomeness when I'm in social interactions.

20) The only reason I ever wear sunglasses is to keep me from panicking in public. If my eyes are shaded, I feel better. Kinda like that kid on Big Daddy.

21) I have anxiety.....which has gotten worse over the past couple years.

22) An anxiety attack sometimes feels like it comes out of nowhere for no reason. Which is more frustrating than any that I know the cause of.

23) I try to keep it on the downlow a lot because I don't like dealing with anyone's reactions.

24) I'm double-jointed in my elbows.

25) And that is something that freaks people out when I show them.

26) I'm German, Italian, Irish, English and Dutch. And possibly Scottish.....not sure about that one. I like to call myself a patchwork quilt.

27) I really want to travel all over Europe.

28) Especially England. I absolutely love just about everything about England.

29) Including Doctor Who.

30) I have a crush on David Tennant.

31) I'm going to Bonaroo in June......and I'm so freaking excited to get to be a hippie and hear amazing music with one of my besties for 4 days.

32) I used to feel like I was born in the wrong era.

33) When I was younger, I had an easier time talking with adults or running around with smaller kids then socializing with anyone my age.

34) I always felt like kids my age were more likely to be judging me than anyone younger or older.

35) My aunt told me I was socially retarded as a child because I didn't get to play with kids outside of school.

36) I'm still trying to not be offended by that.

37) College cured me of the fear that I couldn't relate to anyone my age.

38) I cry almost every time I hear Innocence by Avril Lavigne.

39) I hate movies that make me cry.

40) I just really don't like crying in general.

41) I hate saying goodbye. Partly because that usually means I'm bawling but mostly because I miss people. A LOT. And I always have this little fear that I'm never going to see them again.

42) I worry. A LOT. About damn near everything and everyone.

43) I used to pretend my dad's battery tester was an EMF device because I wanted to be a Ghostbuster.

44) Ghosthunters is one of my favorite shows.....and I'm horribly upset that Grant is leaving.

45) I'm creeped out by ghosts but I love going ghosthunting with my best friends.

46) I'm still scared of the dark.

47) I sleep with stuffed animals.

48) Most of them make a wall around the crack between my bed and the wall.

49) I'm not comfortable sleeping unless a bed is against a wall.

50) I usually need a light on.

51) I sleep with my bedroom door open.

52) The closet door must be shut.

53) I'm paranoid

54) So that means I know how to survive any natural disaster.

55) I also know how to get out of a locked trunk, escape a kidnapping, and incapacitate someone trying to grab/hurt me.

56) I'd like to learn more about self-defense

57) I've been teaching myself the Thriller dance

58) Even though I can't stand zombies. Like at all.

59) This is mostly due to watching Dawn of The Dead which terrified the shit out of me.

60) When I was a kid, I was convinced that Dracula lived in my closet.

61) I was also confused about vampire myth and thought that he hated light of any kind. As did ghosts, zombies and the boogeyman. Hence, why I slept with a nightlight.

62) I love vampires now. Especially on Moonlight, True Blood and Underworld.

63) The Haunting In Connecticut is the most terrifying movie I've ever seen. Seriously.

64) I slept with the light on for like 2 months after watching it.

65) I'm still terrified of dumb waiters.

66) I'm absolutely scared of opening my eyes at night and finding something right up in my face, looking back at me.

67) I also don't like looking out of windows at night for the very same reason.

68) I should probably stop watching so many horror movies.

69) My favorite movies ever are the Back to the Future trilogy.

70) I can quote them. Sometimes verbatim. But usually right along with the characters. Which probably annoys anyone watching them with me, but I haven't heard any complaints yet.

71) My first celebrity crush ever was on Michael J. Fox

72) Christopher Lloyd is one of my favorite actors.

73) Even though I don't really like Death of a Salesman, I bought tickets to see it because Christopher Lloyd was playing Willy Loman. Yep...I'm a nerd.

74) I was in the front row with my mom.......and at one point, Christopher Lloyd accidentally spit in my direction. I was more in awe than disgusted. Which says a hell of a lot since spit usually really grosses me out.

75) I think I might be a fangirl.

76) I'm a major history geek.

77) I prefer pirates. Sorry, ya bloody ninjas!

78) One of my favorite time periods to study is the Revolutionary War.

79) Which just makes my move to Massachusetts even better.

80) One of my heroes is Benjamin Franklin.

81) The last time I was in Boston for a field trip, it was to go on the Freedom Trail.

82) I want to go again because I'll be a hell of a lot more impressed than I was at 11 years old.

83) The last time I was in Boston at all was to go to the Monster Ball.

84) Why yes, I am a Little Monster. I admire Gaga but I'm not toooootally gaga over her.

85) I like puns. Like, a lot.

86) And double entendres. I absolutely looooooove double entendres.

87) Which might be a reason why I like reading Shakespeare.

88) My favorite author ever is Meg Cabot. I reaaaaaaaaaally want to meet her someday.

89) But I also love Jane Austen, Agatha Christie, Howard Frank Mosher, Garrison Keillor, and J.K. Rowling.

90) I write a LOT of poetry.

91) Lately, I've been working on spoken word poetry. Just because I want to know I can do it.

92) I watch spoken word videos on Youtube....mainly Sarah Kay, Rudy Francisco and Dej Jam Poetry.

93) I have a lot of stories to finish writing.

94) I talk to my characters sometimes. I'm hoping this isn't a sign of mental illness.

95) I had imaginary friends until I was 12.

96) I was a pretty lonely kid.....which was probably why those imaginary friends stuck around so long.

97) When I'm really sad or upset, one of three movies makes me feel better: Tangled, When Harry Met Sally and Pride and Prejudice (the 2005 version with Keira Knightly and Matthew Macfadyn).

98) If I break out Sound of Music or some other musical instead, I either am really in the mood for songs.......or I am extremely down in the dumps.

99) Sometimes I wish life was more like a musical.

100) I love My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and take it's advice into my own life's issues.


TADAH! 100 things. Holy shit.

Lessons From Cartoon Ponies: Choices, Choices

Ok so here we're trying this againnnnn. Real-life breakdown of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic situations. This covers episode three, The Ticket Master.


Note: SPOILERS!


In the third episode, it opens with Twilight and Spike helping out Applejack in her family's orchard. While there, Twilight receives a letter from Princess Celestia. It's an invitation to the Grand Galloping Gala, a fancy celebration some months ahead. Included are two tickets. 


And therein lies the problem. Twilight has TWO tickets....and FIVE friends. 


They all have excellent reasons for wanting to go to Grand Galloping Gala. Applejack wants to sell apple goodies to make more money for her family. Rainbow Dash wants a chance to meet and impress the Wonderbolts, her heroes. Pinkie Pie wants to go because....well....it's the biggest party in all of Equestria and parties are what Pinkie does best. Rarity wants to go and meet the prince and live happily ever after. And Fluttershy amazingly wants to go too.....at least to see the private garden with all it's critters. 


But in all their arguing and favor-doing, they can't see how they are upsetting poor Twilight who is slowly pulling her mane out over the fact that she can't make all her friends happy.


What is she going to do?

can't please everypony

This is every friend's nightmare. Not being able to include everyone. 


Now, I've never been in this exact situation before. I've never really had tickets to some great thing and had to pick and choose between friends. But I have been in situations where not everyone can be included. 


Often as a kid and teenager, there were birthday parties or sleepovers or super-cool friendship bracelets going around. But the thing was, there were so many of us (we were a big group of friends) that there wasn't always enough stuff or space for everyone. 


Somehow, I always managed it well enough. I had few enough pals that were considered "close" so there was never really an issue including them in anything. But I remember agonizing over who would get invited to a large birthday party. There were best friends and friends and kind of friends who I played cards with during study hall or bullshitted with after school. Then there was a guy I liked who was a little older than the rest of us. How do you fit in everyone? Who do you invite to join in on your celebrations????


I imagine this is also the problem with who gets invited to your wedding or who can stand up with you there. When you want to share something special with your friends, you naturally want to share that something special with ALL of your friends. Having to choose between them......that's just too tough. (For stories about having to choose between friends and other awkward things like that....just wait for later MLP blogs. Whoooo boy do I have plenty of those kind of stories.....)


Like Twilight said in her letter to Princess Celestia at the end of the episode, "One of the joys of friendship is sharing your blessings but when there’s not enough to go around, having more than your friends feels awful." 


I'd rather hang out with all of my friends than go without them to the Grand Galloping Gala. But then.....I probably wouldn't want to go a gala anyway. But life is definitely more fun when you include everyone. 


And this is why my friends and I always have to call ahead for giant reservations before we all go out to eat :D 


"In prosperity our friends know us; in adversity we know our friends."--John Churton Collins

Things I Was Afraid To Wish For

So....this entry is going to be a little more intimate than usual. Well....maybe not that much more....considering all that's been discussed so far. But anyhoo.

A couple months or so ago, I decided that as an adult or, at least, as a girl who's trying to be kinder to herself....I need to take another look at life. And what exactly I want out of it.

Part of this was looking at a little list I made over a year ago about what I was looking for in a guy. I will admit.....at the time, I did kind of have a guy in mind. But everything on the list was true. And pretty specific. The list overall still holds true. A lot of things on there are things that are really important....and what I absolutely will not back down on.

I want someone who is willing to communicate, instead of storming off or keeping everything bottled up. Someone who is not going to lie or try to control me or break promises (unless it can't be helped). That's very important. And I'd also like someone who can take a joke......and throw one back. that's pretty important too.

But I tried not to get too crazy because frankly, I was trying to not be demanding or crazy or superficial.

But I was missing something important there. I wasn't hoping. Like, at all. I was stating what I absolutely needed from a guy but not what I wanted. Not what I hoped for.....I never even acknowledged it.

Well I mean....I wanted those things too. But they weren't very detailed because I felt like I shouldn't be demanding anything. Or expecting too much. I didn't want to be a high maintenance chick. And besides, fairy tales are just that, right? Life is not a movie.....no matter how much you wish it would play out like one.

And then I realized......that I was thinking negatively by NOT wanting those things. By thinking it would make me somehow unappealing or stupid to actually wish and hope for a decent guy. I was not allowing myself to be treated amazingly or at least, respectfully, by not voicing these. So....here it is. What I want.

(I always feel like a little creepy voice is going "Be careful what you wish for...." in the background after a statement like the above .) O_o


1) As creepy as it might sound.....I want a guy who'd stand outside my house in the morning, holding a boombox, blasting a song that's meaningful to both of us.
Or pull me onto a riding lawn mower so we can lawn mow off into the sunset. Or a guy who would run after me in the rain. Or defy all stereotypes and cliques and expectations to just be with me. Wow.....I guess what I really want is to live an 80's flick. Only, with better hairstyles and clothing. And more technology. That's kind of sad ahaha. But I mean, it would be nice to have a guy who would be willing to do ridiculous stuff like that. For me. Because....it always felt like in the past....I was the only one willing to do that. For someone else.

2) Although, I will add to the first statement, I prefer it when guys call before they come over.
As a general rule. It tweaks me out and makes me feel all paranoid and skittery as a squirrel if there's any possibility of people showing up out of nowhere. I'm not too big on those kind of surprises anymore. So....yeah. Common courtesy and respect would be nice.

3) I'd like a guy to hear me say, "I'm fine," then sit down in front of me, look me in the eye and say, "You're lying." And then actually listen to me afterward when he pries my real feelings out of me.

4) I want to have one of those movie kisses.....
Where nothing else is there but just the two people kissing. (Which I've already technically experienced but....yeah. I'd like to know that that can happen a second time.)

5) I want to be entirely and randomly swept away by passion.
I mean, I've felt large amount of passion for someone before, a confusing and overwhelming swirl of love, lust and intense emotions. But...never acted upon it. Well, at least not in the way that most people act on it in  the movies or romance novels. But....I want that. I want to be completely swept away with someone else. And have that moment of just crazy, random, insane passion. Just to know that it really exists. That is does happen. That I can have something like that with someone else. That someone else can feel that for me too.

6) I want a guy who sees me, all of me.
And accepts me, does not want to change or stifle me. Doesn't want  me to play some role that he envisions me as. Someone who just wants me to be me.

7) I want someone who will let me love them.
Someone who will let me in and allow me to get close to them. Okay, I'll admit, I'm a sucker for someone who's got the overall aura of a cactus......but there's only so many time you can keep hugging what's stabbing back at you. After awhile, you just really end up wanting someone who's willing to let down their shields. Even if it's only for you.

8) And I guess what I really really want......

I want someone who thinks I'm worth it. 

That would be nice. 

Property of Disney :)

A Typical Day In the Life of an Unemployed College Graduate

Wake up to the sounds of Trevor Hall singing cheerfully about it being a brand new day. Hit the snooze. Repeat about 3 to 4 more times.

Finally dismiss the alarm. Blink a few time at the screen. Smile a little sadly at your background photo.

Scroll down to the Facebook app. Spend about 15 minutes waking up and checking the newsfeed and notifications.

Throw down phone, crawl out of bed and shut lava lamp off.

Halfheartedly grab clothes out of the appropriate drawers. Shuffle off to the bathroom. Drag laptop in and set up in the corner. Start up playlist entitled "Cheer Up, Kid." Take a long shower.

Dry your hair over the sounds of dubstep. Wonder about making music like that, complete with hairdryer sounds. Shake your head. That would be really weird.

Get dressed. Comb your hair. Stare at yourself in the mirror and realize you're getting a pretty grey outlook. Shake your head and throw your shoulders back. Stand up and give your mirror self a look full of sass. Pick up your laptop and take it out to the kitchen.

Prop it up and look around at what to eat. Scowl at the fridge. Grab eggs and other ingredients.

Try one of your many variations on scrambled eggs. Sit down and shut off your playlist. Watch an episode of the show you missed the night before.

Check facebook. Check the other blogs you read. Check the comics you read.

Check your e-mail. Delete messages. Eye message from student loan office nervously. Grumble to yourself as you calculate your bank account.

Open up job search websites. Skim through the old ones you already applied for. Find new positions. View details. Apply.

Have panic attack over the tricky questions asked in the applications. Growl at yourself to Suck It Up Buttercup.

Throw your dirty dishes in the dishwasher. Eye the overflowing sink. Mumble to yourself. Shuffle into the living room with your laptop.

Talk for a million years with your friends online. Watch another show because you're putting off work. Start reading a book. Get interrupted a million times by messages, notifications, texts, and phone calls. Finally give up on your book.

Peruse ebay for things you want. Calculate bank account again. Shrug. You don't need any of that stuff. Moving and Bonaroo are more important. Shuffle out to fridge for a Coke. Eye sink again distastefully. Sigh.

Drag laptop now blasting music again out to table. Prop it up and tackle sink. Fill dishwasher. Turn it on. Scrub a few pans. Get distracted by messages.

Get distracted by twitter.

Get distracted by Jenna Marbles.

Remember the dishes. Wash some more until the drainer is full. Lay a towel carefully on top. See....you did something productive in the house.

Remember money you needed to put in the bank. And that form you needed to mail. And the fact you need to go to the library. Grumble to yourself again. Check your mirror-self to make sure you look presentable.

Check wallet. Shove in purse. Glance at form.....realize you still need to fill it out. Shove library books in purse. Grab purse and keys. Trudge out to car. Start it up and frighten yourself when  bass is dropped in your face because you left the music on level 10 the day before. Turn the volume down to 6.

Make your way into town without hitting anyone. Congratulate yourself.

Swear loudly over the fact that there are no parking spaces in front of the bank. Drive around town hall and the post office to go back and try again. Still nothing. Eye the parking spaces across the street. Remember that time you almost had a heart attack trying to reverse onto the busy street out of that parking space. Drive around again and park way down by the post office.

Blink up at the sky as you open your door...... it has started to sleet. In April. Swear to the sky above that you're getting the hell out of Vermont as soon as possible. Shove your hands in your pockets and duck your head as you trudge all the way over to the bank. Manage a smile at the teller. Deposit your money. Check your account with glee. You had more than you thought.

Notice the sleet has turned miraculousy back into a spring rain. Still keep head bent until you get int the car. Head over to the library. Cheer to yourself as you fkind lots of parking space. Haul ass out of car with books as fast as possible before another car comes. Ascend to the library.

Peruse the shelves for the books to read that you'd made a mental list of last time you were there. Pick up a couple your mother might be interested in. Check them out. Head back out and notice the rain stopped. Drive back to your house.

dump the books and your purse on a chair in the living room. Turn on Pandora. Make some tea. Scrub the stove and countertops. Dry the dishes and pans and put them away. Bounce out to the living room again to make a list of all the jobs you need to call later. Make a To-Do list for the rest of the week.

Notice that the sun has spilled through the window. Glance up and see how pretty it is sifting through the clouds, as it starts to sprinkle again. It's actually kind of beautiful.

Decide that maybe......you should stop grumbling about the rain. The earth needs it after all. And besides......it's pretty.

Sit down and write your blog that you've been putting off. Try to decide how to end it with a good message. Realize you can't think of anything appropriate so cop out and decide to use a quote. It is the truth after all......even if it was written by someone else.

So smile anyway. Your days will get even better real soon.

"Do you know the saying 'You can only see a rainbow after it rains'? So if there is a storm in your heart right now, it is definitely a sign that you are going to become more beautiful." --Ouran School Host Club

Lessons From Cartoon Ponies: Friendship Truly Is Magic

The phenomenon that is My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic has spread widely across the internet over the past year. 

I was introduced to it last winter, after a couple of friends insisted that it was in fact a reflection of life as well as scarily accurate about our group of friends. I didn't believe them.

And then I saw episode one. The rest is history.

So late one night last week, I was watching a couple episodes trying to feel better about a situation and look for wisdom in the cartoon. And not only did I find some......I also came up with a fantastic idea. 

Why not summarize the lessons learned in each episode and tie it in with actual real life instances where that lesson came into play? Whoo genius!

At least, that's what I thought at 2 am. 

Still.....I think it's something to try anyway. So....bear with me if you're not a brony. It'll be fun and make sense after awhile. I promise. 

And if you are already a diehard fan, AWESOME! Enjoy and I'll see you at BronyCon!

This is the first blog of many to come. I'm thinking these will be interspersed in between other entries. I might even include more than one lesson in each entry....depending on the overall length. 

So ....let's begin. 

In the opening 2 part episode of My Little Pony FIM, the unicorn Twilight Sparkle and her baby dragon Spike end up heading off to the small town of Ponyville to oversee the preperations for the Summer Sun Celebration. Twilight also has a special mission from her teacher, Princess Celestia: Make some friends! Twilight is a very booknerdy pony and has no intention of wasting her time making friends. She has all of Equestria to save if the evil pony Nightmare Moon comes back as legend says she will! 


But over the course of the episode, in order to find the Elements of Harmony that can stop Nightmare Moon's plot of eternal night in Equestria, Twilight must depend on the help of five other ponies: effervescent Pinkie Pie, girly Rarity, daredevil Rainbow Dash, timid Fluttershy, and hardworking Applejack. Together, the six ponies band together in friendship to defeat Nightmare Moon, with the elements of Harmony that they each represent. 


Applejack: Honesty
Pinkie Pie: Laughter
Rarity: Generosity
Fluttershy: Kindness
Rainbow Dash: Loyalty
Twilight Sparkle: Magic


So I was sitting here, with a remix of Giggle at the Ghosties playing in my ears, trying to figure out how to relate this all to a real life situation. 


My friends and I have certainly never banded together to stop evil. 


But then I thought more carefully about it. We had come together to do other things. Like pulling off a near impossible Haunted Walk, which literally fell apart before we sucked it up and soldiered on. And putting on a ridiculously difficult play despite little props, few club members, no available funding, barely any theater experience with the majority of the group, a shitty director and a lighting display that was expected to catch fire at any moment. And also, surviving college at large, despite academic issues and social blowups.


Really, the message of the episodes wasn't just joining to defeat evil. It was also about finding friendship in those around you....and discovering what true friendship was really about. 


And I realized that over the past few years.....I'd learned just that with the help of my friends. *cue Beatles tune*


I've had a lot of friends over the course of life. I've actually had about 10 best friends. Not including those I'm closest to now. Some of my family members like to inform me of the fact that I've never been that great at picking friends. Trusting the wrong people is apparently a major flaw in my personality. 


This has left me feeling, for most of my life, rather bad about my ability to make and keep friends.....as well as my judgement in trusting others. 


But the fact is, no matter how much crap has gone down or how many people have screwed me over or ended up being jerks ....I can't help but give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I can't help but hope that the next person might not do that...or the next.....or the next. 


Over college, I became friends with a truly amazing group of people. 


From the first, I was pulled haphazardly into this group of people who were wacky, fun and didn't really care who thought they were nerdy weirdos. Most of them were Creative Writing majors like myself and we pretty much all clicked. I was afraid to count them as friends....afraid that maybe no one would accept me as readily as my friends in high school had. 


But after a few meals and joining anime club, I realized I did have friends. And as time went by, I found even more friends who were also pulled into the group or independent of them. And what's more.....they were all good friends. Who joked around about anything and made you feel better on a bad day and helped you out with your shit. 


College is about the time when big changes start happening. You're an adult but still have a childlike mindset ....which means getting wicked excited over sidewalk chalk, new Pokemon games and charming children's cartoons. But you've gotten a taste of freedom......and of alcohol, loud parties, the walk of shame, having security check your suite for craziness, truly bad food, and lots of papers and projects in a short period of time. 


You become used to not many hours of sleep, cat naps anywhere that's mildly soft, and loads of caffeine to keep you going. Besides the changes in your hours, your friends, and possibly morals.....your mind's changing. From class, discussions, news, shows, books, everything. Maybe you fight more with your family since you went to your "crazy liberal hippie" school. Maybe you change religions or cut loose from the cloth entirely. 


You start losing things. Respect for people. Pets. Old friends. Family members. Your rose-colored glasses. Your sanity (if you even had any to begin with).


Over the course of four years (or really just like the last year or so) I lost a grandfather I regret not getting to know better, a fiancee I regret not dumping sooner, and the idea that it was okay if I was miserable as long as others were happy. 


I wanted to be happy dammit. 


And a large part of that realization came later....after making drastic changes and losing a few things. The realization that I had a group of people around who gave more than two shits about me. 

tears of joy.....who knew?

I learned that true friends are there for you, even when you're being a emo asshole. They can rag on you for months about some embarrassing incident but tactfully let something go if they know you don't want to talk about. They'll also hound you until you spill what's upsetting you. They listen. They laugh with you....and at you, but in a good way.....like when you fall down in water......or trip up stairs......or fly into doors. They give advice  and help even when it's one in the morning because you needed them and suddenly had some kind of meltdown and you're apologizing all over the place and they tell you to just stop saying "sorry." They threaten to bitch slap you if you talk down on yourself one more time. They tell you to SHUT UP when you apologize for being useless. They hug you when you cry and make you laugh when you feel like you can't laugh anymore. They support you in just about everything and have the guts to tell you when you're wrong. They tell the truth, even when it ain't pretty. They go on attack for you when you can't fight bullies. They convince you into doing the craziest but most exhilarating things ever. They make you cry tears of joy....when you'd thought you were not the kind of person who was capable of that. You know they're there for you, even if they are not always physically there. 


And I think the greatest thing I learned about true friendship is, that a true friend wants you to be the best that you can be and does not demand anything from you. All they want is your friendship. No demands, no orders, no guilt trips, no expectations. 


They just want you to be you and to be their friend too. 


My friends taught me that....all of that. What's more, they taught me to see the strength inside myself that I didn't know existed. And I truly believe that we can do anything together. 




Love you Dash, Doppelganger, Spikey, Twi, AJ, Hikaru, Honey-sempai, Carrrrrrrl, and Ging. You're all the best......more than you know. 

Friendship is a group-glomp ^_^

(pics are property of Lauren Faust and the Hub)

Girls: A Guidebook For Guys

Seriously.....I'm thinking this needs to be made. Because all I've been hearing lately is, "I don't know how to talk to girls" or "I'm not good at this [this being relationships]" or "Girls ask where all the nice guys are and then they don't want me even though I'm a nice guyyyyyy."

Seriously guys. Stop whining.

Here is your guide to girls written by a girl. Although, I carry this warning: These are just some specific things. Sometimes those of my gender confuse the hell out of me too.

Lesson One: Girls Talk

When you start sending us horrible music videos and tell us it's your favorite band ever or say reaaaaaally awkward things to us in an attempt to be flirty......chances are, we're already copy and pasting it to our best friend. Usually to ask "How the hell do I respond to this??!" but there are the occasions where "What the hell? lmao" is more common.

You can't just tell us something like that and expect us to keep it in confidence. Unless you've seriously told us something that is specified as delicate or secret, we're going to share the rest with our female friends. And maybe even close male ones.

This is just a fact. Keep it in mind.

Lesson Two: When a Girl Says No, It Means NO

This is true for everything. If we say no to a) a night watching football, b) entering a mud wrestling competition, c) letting you stick your car in our exit only, or d) going out on a date with you in the first place.......we generally mean it. No. N-O.

Seriously.

We're not being cute or playing hard to get or just taking time to think about it. If it's a no, it's a damn no. Get over it.

Third Lesson: Take the Hint


See that girl there quietly sitting at her desk or over on that bench eating her lunch? She's obviously entirely engrossed in her noodles. So why is it that you insist on coming over and yapping at her?

Do you not see her eyes glazing over at your voice or the way she is pointedly ignoring you?

This is the key moment to read her body language and excuse yourself. Not internally freak out and try to backtrack and talk even more out of nerves or avoiding awkwardness.

It was already awkward from the moment you opened your mouth. Give it up. 

Fourth Lesson: You Are Not Her Mother

Stop asking for every single detail of our day. Stop checking in every hour upon the hour. Stop asking for everything we're up to or will be up to on a daily basis. Especially if you are not romantically involved.

This is why we moved out on our own. 

Fifth Lesson: If She's Drunk and Being Friendlier With You Than Normal, This Means Nothing

She is three sheets to the wind and going down. This is not the time to start raising your mainsail, sir.

Seriously. Don't get too excited. Alcohol lowers your inhibitions and makes you act a little more .....free with your personality.

If she's being friendlier than usual, it's a 98% chance that she's being friendly with EVERYONE ELSE. 
She's hitting on all of her close friends, despite the fact she is definitely straight. 
She's flashing strangers in Spain on Chatroulette. 
She just gave her ex a lapdance.

Dude.....you're not special tonight.

Sorry to be blunt, but that's kinda how it is. Sorry to disappoint but if she's not flirting or showing that kind of body language or giving you special attention the rest of the time........she's just not that into you.

Think about this: Have you ever been friendlier than normal while under the influence? Did you ever accidentally give someone the wrong idea?

This is exactly the same thing. Guys also get friendlier than they would be on a normal basis. That's just how it goes.

That, my friend, is the wonder of tequila.

Lesson Six: Dance Dance Revulsion

There's a bunch of girls out at the night club. They're dancing around in a circle, having a lot of fun.

What exactly possesses you to stare at one girl creepily for 5 minutes and then haul her by the waist to you and grind your erection against her butt?

Really? REALLY? Was she asking you to dance with her? Was she flirting with you? Or was she just out for a night of fun with her friends and you just made yourself at home?

If she's wide-eyed and mouthing "help me!" to her friends, this is a clear indication you are not wanted. Start acting like a gentlemen and think about her, instead of how much you want to get laid tonight.

And also, see above: No means no.

Stay classy, guys.

 property of Lauren Faust ^_^ (I just love Spike's  many faces)

Contrary to Popular Belief, This Former Tomboy Did Not Become A "Gender Confused" Adult

I think a large part of having a blog involves reading lots and lots of other blogs. Two of my favorites are The Bloggess and Hyperbole and a Half. But I'm usually stumbling across new ones all the time.

Recently, I came across a blog entitled Raising My Rainbow, in which the mother of two young sons writes about raising her effeminate, gender creative 5 year old. It's a thought-provoking, funny and, at times, heart-wrenching blog.

The author has mentioned often the stereotypical roles that have been placed on children by society from the very beginning. Mainly, in the area of dress and toys.

Since I've been doing some reflecting on my childhood lately, I began to think back to what I and my classmates preferred to do on and off the playgrounds. And upon this reflection, I came to a revelation. That yes.....society has been trying to conform children for years to identify with the gender roles of their physical sex.

I know......this is the moment where someone needs to shout "DUH!" in my general direction. But keep in mind......I've grown up as a sheltered, small-town girl with a super conservative family. I didn't even know anything about gender studies until going to college.

I guess I never really thought about this until recently, after I've been dubbed as a Rebel Without A Cause by relatives. Which I find ridiculous. I'm actually a Rebel With So Many Causes She Isn't Sure Which to Tackle First.

This week, it's gender stereotyping.

In religious ed, I was friends with a boy ("Jake") who absolutely loved his American Girl doll and insisted on bringing her to church. At the time, I remember hearing snarky comments by old women about this. Obviously, something was wrong with this kid. The word "fruit" was tossed around quite frequently. Which confused my young sensibilities because he certainly didn't look like a kiwi or an orange. Plus, I thought it was okay to play however you wanted to. Jake and I had most definitely enjoyed an afternoon playing Wedding Day, with the union between his Furby and my Fern Gully Crysta being proudly officiated by my red Power Ranger in vestments of tissue and scotch tape.

I also played with a younger kid ("Anakin") who absolutely loved the Jewel Princess book series. I don't remember even blinking when he asked me to play princesses with him after helping him read his favorite book. Hell, why not? The books were cool and Anakin was a fun kid. But I remember the sad and embarrassed look on that little guy's face when some boys my age began picking on him about his choice of reading and games. I destroyed them with all the anger my limited cussing vocabulary allowed at the time. But nothing took away that look in Anakin's eyes.

Remembering the boys I played with growing up and hearing the stories of other children now, I see that I had it pretty easy. There's the argument that girls tend to have it easier than boys with the issues of nonconforming toys. I suppose this must be true. My parents certainly never argued with me about my choices in toys. When my favorite aunt spoiled me at the toy store, she never blinked twice when I insisted on the pack of Hot Wheels or the western cap pistols complete with holsters. I don't remember being steered towards the Barbies or puking/peeing/crying baby dolls.

But I do remember one of my cousins being concerned over the fact his young son was playing with my old baby carriage on one visit.

I do remember the public outrage over a male purple Teletubby who carried a purse.

I do remember being extremely upset at the age of 7 because I was mistaken for a boy when I dressed up as a ninja for Halloween (this was before I discovered that pirates were by far more awesome).

I remember being upset a couple years later when I was again mistaken for a boy on Halloween because I was dressed as an extraterrestrial ambassador as opposed to my best friend who had chosen to be a belly dancer. (btw, it sleeted that All Hallow's Eve. Guess who had the slightly smarter and warmer costume?)

I was even more upset at the age of 12, the last time I went Trick or Treating in my neighborhood, when some older teenagers made comments and laughed about whether I was a boy or a girl. I was Harry Potter that year. Because Harry (besides Dumbledore and Hagrid) was my favorite. Not Hermione (I thought she was an annoying know-it-all at the time), not McGonagall (I was a little intimidated by her originally) but Harry freaking Potter. I remember returning home shortly after that, entirely upset about what had been my favorite costume ever.

Even though I ventured out to demand candy in other towns with high school friends and later dressed up for the hell of it in college, that was the last year I dressed in anything but a specifically female costume.

And I find that rather sad. How many other kids have possibly done that?

I grew up as a tomboy. I much preferred running around in the woods, pretending to fight invisible evil doers to playing tea time. I loved playing kickball or Legos with the younger kids in the after school program, instead of making jewelry or gossiping with the girls my age. When my younger cousin (hereafter called Lando) was old enough to play with, he was like a godsend in a playmate. He had tons of plastic swords he used to carefully store in between the couch cushions in the den. Our visits often broke out in epic lightsaber battles. Lando and I dreamed of having a fort to hide out in.

I was a grass-stained lanky kid with a backwards cap and a growing hatred for the color pink. My mother frequently told me that I should act more ladylike in public. Which basically meant, not muddying the dress I'd been forced into, not burping loudly and then laughing, not crossing my legs ankle to knee (I used to copy my dad like crazy), not spitting watermelon seeds all over the place, etc.

I replied that I did not want to be ladylike because "Ladies don't have any fun!" Hell, any classic character from Eliza Doolittle to Mulan could tell you that.

This is not to say I never did anything girly. I often played with Barbies and horses....although that playtime wasn't restricted to tea parties and household tasks. What usually happened were story lines to rival that of any common plot on All My Children or Days of Our Lives. I loved my dollhouse but that too resembled epic plots. More often than not a great disaster occurred that the family had to overcome or a simple vacation became a modern take on Swiss Family Robinson (I went through a period in which I was obsessed with shipwrecked stories).

My poor, ever-suffering toys and their daily emotional upheaval.

Starwars actions figures also often became a part of the larger stories. Obiwan became the rebellious teenage son who liked to ride motorcycles. Padme was a tomboy who particularly detested her mother's insistence on wearing "nicer clothes".

My cars were either specifically cars that I zoomed around (with or without accompanying sound effects) or skateboards for action figures/dollhouse dolls.

My favorites movies were The Little Mermaid and the Back to the Future Trilogy.

So I don't know if you could say I played like a girl or I played like a boy. I like to think that I played like a very creative child. From an early age, I think what playtime most indicated about me was that I was going to be a writer.

Today:

--One of my favorite movies is still Back to the Future.

--I still have a soft spot for Ariel but Belle, Mulan and Rapunzel have been more of who I've identified with over the past few years.

--I still think cowboys are more fun to be than cowgirls. Mainly because of my dislike of tassels.

--I still wear hats on backwards, on occasion.

--If you gave me a choice between a blue item and a pink one, I'll always head straight for the blue. But I'm accepting a little bit of pink in my life here and there. (I think the only reason I hated the color to begin with was because I was supposed to like it.)

--I like being girly now if the mood strikes.....I just think it's a waste of time and effort on a daily basis.

--I'd still rather play lightsaber fight or pirates than princesses with my younger cousins. However, tiaras? Totally awesome.

--I think I can rock a fedora better than my best guy friend can. Not that I'd admit it to him :-P

--I'm more obsessed with My Little Pony at 23 than I was at the age of 8. This is largely in part to the amazingness that is Lauren Faust.

See? I played with "boy toys", wore "boy sneakers", and sometimes even pretended to be a boy superhero and am I irreversibly screwed up? Am I gender confused? No. No, I'm not. And neither are the kids I grew up with. There's no confusion or so called "identity crisis". They know who they are and what they are about, whether they're gay, straight, bi or transgender, just like I know who I am and what I'm about.

I'm about equality and peace and love. I'm about shaking things up when change needs to happen and smoothing things over when calm is needed. I hate conforming to society. I'm comfortable enough in my own sexuality to call another girl attractive. I'm admittedly a hot mess but its actually due to societal and familial expectations and demands, not what I happened to be into at the age of 5.

And when I have kids someday , I will not only allow but encourage them to play or dress however they want. Because really, who cares? It's what makes them happy and I plan on raising happy, accepting and amazing little human beings.

And why do 6 year old boys with American Girl dolls or who dress in tutus and girls who love Superman or who wear "boy clothes" make society so damn nervous anyway? Who are they hurting exactly?

No one.

They're just breaking the walls society has boxed you in with for years. Let them crack, let them fall. When the dust clears, you'll see life for what it is: Something that's meant to be enjoyed by all.

So, join the revolution! Barbies and cowboy hats for all! WHOOHOO!

If you want to have your mind blown with the hypocrisy of Dr. Phil or just lose even more respect for him, go here: http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/258

Also, seriously, check out any of the blogs I mentioned. They are awesome and well-written by some truly amazing women ^_^

Adventures In the Nude or Things You Never Questioned Until Breaking Up

They say that love is blind and I'm starting to think that this statement is true. Of all the ridiculous sayings about love that have been made famous:

--Love means never having to say your sorry (Yeah, okay, if you WANT to break up)

--All's fair in love and war (So what? Both suck? Is that what you're trying to get at here? Yeah, ok, Jordin Sparks, "love is a battlefield" and so on)

--You only hurt the one you love (Isn't that the other way around? You only really hurt the one who loves you?)

--She's my kinda rain/like love in a drunken sky (What are you on, Tim McGraw? Seriously? Can I have some of it? Maybe then I'd understand what you're talking about.)

Out of all of them, "Love is blind" is the one that is probably most true. At least, in relationships. Until you know better. Or at least grow a little as an individual.

I've technically had four boyfriends, but today I'm going to be talking about boy number three because that was the longest relationship, as well as the one where all of these weird things occurred.

We were together for four years. And lemme tell you.......that was about three and a half years of the most blinded love you could ever dream of.

I know, I know. After a break-up, those involved are always pointing fingers and exaggerating things and making the other person sound like a total asshole. So here's a little disclaimer:

--Yes sometimes I exaggerate for comedic effect. However, this time, I am not. Every single thing I am about to tell you is true. It happened or was said. And I'm not saying he (let's call him "Thor") was a monster. I'm just saying that things were not okay with us and there was some weird stuff I put up with for whatever reason at the time. Call it unsure of how to act in a relationship. Call it submissive personality. Call it love-blind.

And any of you who've been in a long-term relationship has no doubt put up with weird or aggravating things from time to time. So, let's begin:

1) The Nekkid Rules

First off, once a relationship progresses into the sexual phase, things are never really the same. Sometimes better, sometimes not. No matter what, your relationship evolves in some way. Especially in the bedroom. My first and clearest memory of the weird things occurring then would involve what I called The Nekkid Rule.

It happened one afternoon. I'd ended up over at Thor's house. His room was in the finished off basement and we naturally spent quite a bit of time down there. On this particular occasion we were about to settle in for movie watching and I started to sit down on his bed. Only to be held off by one hand.

"Whaaaat?" I asked, laughing and confused.

"Take your clothes off."

"Uh....I thought we were actually going to watch a movie this time."

"We are." Thor grinned up at me. "But you have to be naked."

"Uh....what?" and I tried to sit down again. But that wasn't going to happen.

"No. You're only allowed to be here if you're naked." He smiled cheekily up at me and tried to pull my top off. "That's the rule."

Now, the girl then and the one now are two very different people. As odd as that sounds. If I was told that now, I would say, "Fine" and turn around and leave. However, the girl I was then thought this behavior was adorable and endearing. And obeyed.

And therefore, never really got to see large sections of the damn movies. Seriously. I finally just watched Shooter tonight. That is so violent but a really good movie. I can't believe I missed Marky Mark flexing his muscles and being a badass sniper for some horizontal cha-cha.

2) Food and Drink: Open Game

Thor used to make me feel like Dora the Explorer in a never ending episode, yelling "Swiper, no swiping!!!!"

I mean, we had meal times worked out into a kind of nice little diplomatic arrangement. I hated onions and peppers in my salad, so he got them. He abhorred olives to an amazing degree, so I got them. But then he would break our treaties and invade my plate to seize my food. That I was actually eating.

Seriously, I know I'm a skinny chick so you obviously believe I don't eat that much. I know I can be a picky eater sometimes. But when I'm actually eating something, you do not need to reach onto my plate and take something off of it. You could always ....I dunno....ask.

Plus, I have a thing about sharing food directly. Candy bars or sandwiches.....maybe I can handle it. Lollipops, chewing gum and ice cream however makes me physically ill. And it didn't really matter if Thor and I were regularly swapping saliva. Something about him stealing a mouthful of my ice cream cone would have me relinquishing it immediately. I never said why though. I just said "Oh I'm full." Or "Wow....now I'm really cold. You can have the rest."

I was all about sparing him my little eccentricities since his mother was extremely OCD and irked him constantly with everything she was particular about. My little annoyances about food? Not that big a deal, I told myself.

However, I did get to the point of snarling like a rabid dog when Thor would steal my drinks.

I am not kidding about the snarling either. He looked taken aback for a couple seconds, blinked a lot and then started laughing and telling me I was adorable and DRANK THE REST OF MY DAMN DEW. You don't touch a woman's Dew. You just don't.

Thor also was fond of taking the alcohol I was nursing and chugging it down. What was that? Were we in some kind of drinking competition that I was unaware of?

What it most likely was about was the fact that he didn't want me drinking around other people. If we were alone, it was okay. If we were hanging out with my friends, nope. Don't let her get too drunk. She overshares, leans on people, and occasionally flashes her bra. Which again, I took to be sweet on some level. Protective.

But at the same time, I was beginning to get pissed. That was something I actually talked with him about. Asking him to not steal anything I was drinking because it was mine and I would get thirsty and then have nothing. Because Thor didn't just take a sip or two. No, he chugged. And he kept chugging, apparently thinking my request was something else that was adorable about me and not to be taken seriously.

Maybe I should have snarled more maliciously?

3) What's Yours Is Mine and What's Mine Is Also Mine

This kind of goes along with the above section. Thor had this tendency to make himself at home. With everything.

What I mean is that when he was over at my house, sometimes he would just disappear and I would go looking for him and find him for some reason in my bed. And again with the stealing of food and drink.

Now, I'm all for sharing. However, when I was at his house, he didn't always share everything. When Thor felt like playing video games, he didn't share the controller. Even when there was the option of two person games, he wanted to play and expected me to sit and watch. For like two hours.

And again, the drinking thing. Stealing my alcohol but not letting me have his. Not that I really wanted it most of the time. He drank peppermint schnapps which I'm convinced is the foulest drink on the planet. Might as well just swig mouthwash.

4) The Desperate Nights. And Days. And Mornings, Afternoons, Random Minutes, Showers, Road Trips, and etc.

Any of the above times were an opportunity to screw.

I know....that urge to do it almost constantly in random places is a part of a developing relationship. You just look at each other in a certain way and then the next thing you know the two of you are doing it in your dorm bathroom. Or at the drive in. Or a rest area. Virtually anywhere. It's like you've lost your mind and all common sense and thoughts of decency. All that matters is having your hands alllllll over each other. RIGHT NOW.

It takes two to tango obviously. And at the time I thought this was exciting and amazing and I felt so free and rebellious. Even now, I might share something like this in a joking manner. Because on the one hand, it's hilarious and risque. On the other hand, it's very embarrassing. And I took a long time to wake up and think wow.....you know....I'm not really into this. It was crazy and fun but this whole exhibitionist thing ain't me. At least, not a sober me.

And I'd try to discourage the random sex in random places. It didn't always work......which brings me to the next thing.

5) No Actually Doesn't Mean No

Apparently.

When things began happening and I wasn't feeling it, I would say "no" or "Not now" or "I'm not in the mood tonight." I'd gently push Thor away or step back. But he wouldn't always listen.

He would pull me back or continue, laughing a little and trying to be sweet. He thought I was kidding. Even when he would stop, he'd go "Aw reaaaaaaaally?" in this dejected voice. And then he'd try pushing my buttons a few minutes later. Always checking to see if I'd changed my mind.

Eventually I would give up and give in. And there were even a couple occasions where I was incapacitated and "no" was completely ignored.

At the time.....I don't know what I was thinking. Happiness that I was so obviously wanted. That I was so obviously needed. And the feeling that, why should you deny an expression of love when you're in a relationship? Isn't that mean? Isn't that ridiculous?

I had some twisted kind of idea of how love is supposed to be expressed.

6) I Want to Take Care of You and other lies

I'm not saying this is always a lie. I'm just saying there is a fine line between someone genuinely wanting to take care of you and someone ruling your life.

Walking between the rainy road and you so you don't get splashed is nice.

Hanging all over you when you stop to talk to a guy friend is not.

Sending you messages on Facebook is cute.

Freaking out because you left your computer open and your friends posted statuses on your profile as a prank is not.

Bringing you blankets and cuddling with you when you're sick is sweet.

Cuddling to convince you to have sex later while you are sick is not.

Know the difference.

7) PDA: When Your Life Becomes Reality TV

I know for a fact that none of my friends wanted to see Thor and I sucking face like vacuum cleaners. I'm sure the people in Wal-Mart didn't either.

8) You Dyed Your Hair?: When your Body is No Longer Your Own

When you reach a certain age, you feel like you do not need to ask permission for anything anymore. Like, getting your ears pierced, getting a tattoo, dying your hair......

I died my hair fuschia at the age of 18 because I wanted to and because I figured.....hell, I'm a legal adult. I just graduated from high school. Who really gives a shit anymore?

My parents just gaped at me for a few moments and then started laughing. And then made sure it would wash out in a couple months.

Thor was not impressed. At all.

He lifted up strands of my brightly colored hair and went in this dejected voice, "You dyed your hair?"

Um. Duh.

But I was very anxious about his reaction at the time. "What....you don't like it?"

Thor eyed it with this pained look on his face. "Well....I just liked your hair the way it was. I think it's pretty the way it is." Translation: I hate what you did with your hair.

I was kind of crushed. "I just wanted to do something different with it......"

A month later he had his hair cut extremely short and asked what I thought. I shot the same words back at him. And he said "Well you never asked me about your hair before you dyed it."

We were at an impasse.

When I wanted to pierce my ears the following year, Thor wasn't so sure about it. So I didn't. Until this summer.

He liked my hair really long so when I eventually got it cut shorter, it was a necessity. It got caught in everything and was really annoying to wash, brush and took forever to dry. Thor wasn't sure what to think about it but I said it had been annoying. Plus, I donated it. How could he argue with that?

The point is, I felt like I had to ask permission to change things about myself. When all I really need to do was ask myself.

Maybe what blinds you is the thought that this person, this one person, is so wonderful, such a beautiful soul.....that you can't help but see only the good in them. And that results in placing them on this high up pedestal.

And that's nice and all.....but it's not the truth. It's not real.

What's real is seeing that person, seeing all of that beautiful person (the good, the bad, and the ugly, the flaws, the imperfections, the things that drive you absolutely bonkers that they do or say), seeing all of those things and not erasing them or excusing them away.....but loving them anyway. Loving them despite all of it and for all of it.

And if there is something you truly cannot live with or some way they are mistreating you, then you need to see it, truly see it, acknoweldge it, and let them go. Love is a wonderful thing, a beautiful thing, but don't let it blind you to the truth about people. Never let it keep you in the dark about serious issues.

"I love you and because I love you, I would rather have you hate me for telling you the truth than adore me for telling you lies." --Pietro Ariteno

That's real love.