FML--It's Twilight

So I realized something unsettling today. I am Bella.

Yes, you read that correctly. Bella. As in Bella Swan, worst emo ever created since Jane Eyre.

How could such a thing happen? you might ask. How does one come upon a realization such as this. Well, I'll tell you, it was an unpleasant thing to find staring me in the face.

I was sitting with The Boy, my head leaning on his shoulder, being all silly and clingy and nuzzling-like, and thinking about my stomach. You see, I woke up this morning to the loudness caused by my parents (apparently our dog took off and they were screaming for him, chasing him down the road.....fun times) and instnatly, my brain, which had apparently been dealing with unpleasant dreams was then full of freaking out about schoolwork. I was curled up in bed, fighting the womanly time and a sudden panic attack. Which, you know, was just lovely.

So I was still feeling out my innards, because they're rather testy and thinking about how much my stomach was acting up becuase of my stress. And I nuzzled further and realized that I was not coming home again until most likely, winter break. Which is only three weeks away (!!!!!!!) but still.......

So my stomach twisted some more. Because I'm away at school, which has been harder this semester since I've become a nutcase. And because I really am depending on The Boy a hell of a lot. Which I know is not exactly healthy. But.....I just feel better when I'm with him. I mean, I can still panic.....but for the most part, I feel better when I'm sitting with him and being silly.

And the more I thought about it........the panic attacks, the freaking out, the blagh feeling, the down-ness, the disconnection, the only-feeling-ok-when-with-him.............I realized that I......had become something I did not like.

I am Bella. I freak out when I'm not with my boy, at varying degrees, depending. I have freak outs and feel better with him. Only....The Boy's not an Edward. He's more Jacob if anything....but he's not that either. Agh.

This is horrible. I'm a clingy emo with no feelings. Which is an oxymoron. I think.

*bangs head on desk*

I Want a Moment to Be Real; Wanna Touch Things I Don't Feel

I've been wondering if whether or not I am human anymore. Or at least, that was something I was wondering about last week. I'm feeling more normal now, which is a good thing.

But last week, I was a mess. Did anyone see it? Hopefully not. I like to think I'm good at hiding it (usually). Internally, I was having a minor freak out session. Mainly from wondering whether I was suffering from depression on top of everything else.....or whether I was simply drifting off into the territory of those crazy less-than-humans, that bunch of slightly off people that make dogs growl and children scatter. The type that usually snaps and starts killing people in cold blood.

That's always been a fear, personally. You know, that I'm insane. Because I talk to myself. Because I can think up ways of people dying. Then again, I've got a pretty vivid imagination..........and Agatha Christie used to do the same thing. Stare at some old plot where her archaeologist husband was digging and be entirely focused on how one could be murdered with a piece of broken pot or a pickaxe. Something along those lines.

So, I'm probably not insane. Just a writer.

But that old fear cropped up again with this whole lack-of-human-emotion thing. I was feeling anger, annoyance, fear.......but not the positive emotions. It was like I was behind a wall of some kind.....like I was disconnected. Like I was on drugs.....which doesn't make sense because I'm totally not, prescription or otherwise.

I was a muddled mess of crap.....and had been for like....two weeks. Until Thursday.

I was up at the mansion for our club officer's meeting. I was early. So I sat down and waited for the others. I happened to be waiting by the wall that's full of all kinds of pamphlets. Relationship abuse, safe sex, the hiv, make sure to clean your vagina....you know the kind.

Then...in between some sex thing and Depression was a pamphlet on Anxiety. Curious, I picked it up. Hey, I was bored.....and besides, maybe it had more to offer than "Well there are pills..." or "Take a deep breath" or "Talk to a professional."

There was the usual......and then, in one section it read: Is it a panic attack? and advised that if you've had 4 or more symptoms to see your physician. So I looked over the list and found that I had, between the time of beginning to flip out over sickness to the present, in fact suffered from 10 of the 13 symptoms.

Wonderful. So....I really do have a problem.

Thankfully, I realized also that I'm not insane. Well, that's a bad way of putting it. I'm the good insane. But I'm not the unfeeling-robot-who-will-totally-flip-someday-and-become-a-serial-killer.

That problem, "Feeling that you're watching yourself from far away, or that everything is either too vivid or not vivid enough" is a symptom of anxiety. Or just a panic attack.

So that's what it all comes back to. Anxiety. And the fact that my mind is trying to destroy me.

Loverly.

And it also says that genetics are part of the cause. And my mother and both grandmothers are worryworts. Gramma even gave herself a STROKE from worrying about Grampa being in a rehabilitation center after breaking his hip really bad.

So you know....this bodes well for me in the long run lol.

But......I am writing on here. I'm talking about it. Hell....I'm joking about it now. I told The Boy he was dating a psycho......and teased my mom about having a daughter who has as many issues as her allergy-ridden dog.

I mean, what else can I do? Sit here and think, good lord, I should just quit school? Because that thought has crossed my mind alot. Quit school, get rid of that stress level.....because the only thing making me go back is my friends.

But if I did quit...then I would be running away. I would be trying to hide back behind my parents, like some little kid on the first day of Kindergarten. I can't run away.....I can't hide myself. I hid myself all summer long, I was a hermit for most of the time and look where it got me: freaking out over little things, zero motivation to do anything academic, gaining a mental problem. It's ridiculous. I never should have done that to myself. But I was running then.

I keep running from responsibility even as I'm asking for people to pile it on. Yeah, I can be an officer, yeah I can do that for you, yeah I can remember that date, yeah sure......I can handle two 400 level courses next spring........

The thing is....I want to run away but some stubborn part of me (the adult part I suppose) is stopping me in my tracks. That half is grabbing the other by it's collar and going "Where the hell d'ya think you're going?" Which you know.....is a positive thing. Because....I'm still here. I'm still doing this......even though I should be doing something productive right now and not typing this blog.....but this is for my mental health so...what the fuck ever.

So, I'll take little moments to enjoy campus (how about that beautiful yet freakish weather today, huh?). I'll take pictures, which is both productive and relaxing. I'll write for a bit about whatever. I'll get hugs amd give them. I'll sit somewhere else to do work or take a water break. Maybe I'll even take a little mental vaykay.......

All those things that they suggest on this sheet of stress relievers my mom gave me. Because I started something and I'm damn well going to finish it. And my brain, my silly little brain, is not going to get in the way of that.

I shall prevail. Hopefully.


I'm Still Here--Goo Goo Dolls

I am a question to the world

Not an answer to be heard

Or a moment that's held in your arms

And what do you think you'd ever say

I won't listen anyway

You don't know me

And I'll never be what you want

Me to be

And what

Do you think you'd understand

I'm boy, no, I'm a man

You can't take me

And throw me away

And how

Can you learn what's never shown

Yeah, you stand here on your own

They don't know me

'Cause I'm not here

[Chorus]

And I want a moment to be real

Want to touch things I don't feel

Wanna hold on and feel I belong

And how can the world want me to change

They're the ones that stay the same

They don't know me

'Cause I'm not here

And you see the things they never see

All you wanted - I could be

Now you know me

And I'm not afraid

And I want to tell you who I am

Can you help me be a man

They can't break me

As long as I know who I am

[Chorus]

And how can the world want me to change

They're the ones that stay the same

They can't see me

But I'm still here

They can't tell me who to be

'Cause I'm not what they see

Yeah, the world is still sleepin' while I keep on dreaming for me

And their words are just whispers and lies that I'll never believe

[Chorus]

And how can you say I'll never change

They're the ones that stay the same

I'm the one now

'Cause I'm still here

I'm the one

'Cause I'm still here

I'm still here

I'm still here

I'm still here.....