At least, that's what I tell myself on nights like this where it's almost 2 in the morning and I have a pounding headache and my stomach is tied up in fizzy knots.
This particular brand of unsettling insomnia is something that hits me when I have too much on my mind. Or some kind of emotional upheaval has occurred and I can no longer avoid dealing with it so it invades my brain until it's 5 in the morning and I'm crying into my stuffed elephant wondering why everything sucks.
Or end up watching reruns of Fresh Prince.
Sometimes I try to figure out what's wrong with me. This is a bad idea because if you're a hypochondriac like me, then there's about two hours spent on Web MD, followed by having a panic attack because I've managed to convince myself that I have an aneurysm. Or that my appendix is about to burst. Or that I've developed Diphtheria.
Lately, I've been reflecting on my mental health as well because frankly a lot of emotional shit has happened within the past year. And my fragile sense of normalcy and sanity shattered about the same time my heart did.
All emoness aside, I decided to diagnose myself online. Now, being a hypochondriac, I already freaked myself about about my mental and physical state back in 10th grade health class....and all those late night searches on Web MD. My search was actually more legitimate this time.
I'm already aware that I have anxiety. I've always been kinda on the nervous side my whole life; it just exploded due to stress my junior year of college. My main concern was the fact that it hasn't gotten any better. It has, in fact, gotten a lot worse. To the point where I have more panic attacks thinking I have some sort of disease. Or cannot eat because I might throw up because something upset me. Or not being able to sleep until I convince myself my heart won't stop. Or trying not to tweak out in front of strangers.
So....I sought out some answers. Do I really have such bad anxiety? How can I manage it? Am I going to be able to manage it without medication or a therapist?
The internet offers many lovely things......like, tests to find out how wacky you might be. It said that the test was in no way an actual diagnosis....but it was something to think about. So I took it.
My score was 39. The test scoring said "38 and above means you have severe anxiety." Well....that's great. Most of the symptoms that sounded pretty much like my life were under what's called General Anxiety Disorder.
1) Constant worries on your mind
2) Feeling like your anxiety is uncontrollable
3) Intrusive thoughts about things that make you nervous or upset
4) An inability to tolerate uncertainty
5) An intrusive feeling of apprehension
6) Inability to relax, enjoy quiet time or be by yourself
7) Difficulty concentrating or focusing on something
8) Putting things off because you feel overwhelmed
9) Avoiding situations that make you feel anxious
10) Feeling tense; muscles tightness or body aches
11) Having trouble falling asleep or staying asleep because you're mind will not stop
12) Feeling edgy or restless or jumpy
13) Stomach problems, nausea, diarrhea
I was like.....O_o no way.
And the article was like "Yes way, keep reading." Because they also talked about the anxiety in children.
- “What if” fears about situations far in the future
- Perfectionism, excessive self-criticism, and fear of making mistakes
- Feeling that they’re to blame for any disaster, and their worry will keep tragedy from occurring
- The conviction that misfortune is contagious and will happen to them
- Need for frequent reassurance and approval
And quite suddenly, it was clear that I have been anxious a lot longer than I thought. It was like all my childhood fears and worries were making sense.
But what can you do about it? Because frankly, this was becoming debilitating. To the point where I actually have to talk myself into walking out my front door just so I can walk to the bank. Or I feel like I'm going to throw up because something someone said or did....or didn't do ends up upsetting me greatly. Or I have severe meltdowns because I feel like I'm not good enough or I did something wrong or everything I touch is going to be destroyed.
This is not exactly normal. And I end most days feeling feeling frustrated with myself and utterly trapped.
So I found this great website that talks about anxiety, like all the different kinds and what causes them. This link is where I found all my information: http://helpguide.org/mental/generalized_anxiety_disorder.htm
It seems pretty legit, thought of course, it's right in saying that the site is helpful, but actually talking with a professional is the best way to deal with it. Which yeah....can be a little scary. But you can't hide from life. I've tried and all I've become is more anxious, self-conscious, and horribly sad.
So...not now.....but someday soon, I'll be looking for that help. Until then, I've been finding this section of the website particularly helpful. It's called AWARE....and hopefully, maybe it can help you too.
The key to switching out of an anxiety state is to accept it fully. Remaining in the present and accepting your anxiety causes it to disappear.
A: Accept the anxiety.
Welcome it. Don't fight it. replace your rejection, anger, and hatred of it with acceptance. By resisting, you're prolonging the unpleasantness of it. Instead, flow with it. Don 't make it responsible for how you think, feel, and act.
W: Watch your anxiety.
Look at it without judgement--not good, not bad. Rate it on a 0-to-10 scale and watch it go up and down. Be detached. Remember, you're not your anxiety. The more you can separate yourself from the experience, the more you can just watch it.
A: Act with the anxiety.
Act as if you aren't anxious. Function with it. Slow down if you have to, but keep going. Breathe slowly and normally. If you run from the situation your anxiety will go down, but your fear will go up. If you stay, both your anxiety and your fear will go down.
R: Repeat the steps.
Continue to accept your anxiety, watch it, and act with it until it goes down to a comfortable level. And it will. Just keep repeating these three steps: accept, watch, and act with it.
E: Expect the best.
What you fear the most rarely happens. Recognize that a certain amount of anxiety is normal. By expecting future anxiety you're putting yourself in a good position to accept it when it comes again.
