Life Is a Highway.....So Get Ready to Be Ridden

I got a car.

Which actually means this: My parents very generously took me to buy a car as a late graduation present. While this leaves me both extremely grateful and extremely worried about any possible Silver-Spoon-In-Mouth comments (anyone does that I'll show them my bank account......I may have just been given a car but I certainly don't get a 100 bucks a week allowance from dearest Mummy and Father), I have a bigger concern in my mind.

Actually driving the damn thing.

There is a saying that "People who can't do, teach." I think this should be followed up with "People who can't drive, walk." Which has been my mode of getting around for months.

When I was in high school, there was no point in getting a licence. At least this was what I told myself at the time. I assumed that from all the saving in preparation for college tuition, there was no way in hell I was getting a car. Especially since I didn't have a job. And really, who wants to drive around in their mother's Ford Windstar? My classmates may have driven through town in muddy rigs on tractor wheels with a rebel flag sticker in the back window (Note: this is about as far above the Mason-Dixon line as you can go without a passport handy) but still....

Driving in a minivan? Talk about lame. I didn't want to be lame. I just wanted to survive high school without drawing attention to myself.

Senior year, I acquired a boyfriend who -HALLELUJAH!- had a car. And still had a car (about 4 or 5 different ones) in the four years we were necking. With the dissolution of our relationship on highly volatile terms, there also went another excuse for not needing a licence yet.

But I was still in college. Who really needed a car in college? I'd just get picked up by my parents on weekends or catch a ride into town with friends. They all liked to drive.

Note: hiding behind another excuse.

Graduation came and went. And guess who is now feeling like a supreme bum for having to mooch rides off of family members or friends breezing through the area? Guess who feels like the lamest 23 year old ever? Guess who is losing her mind over loneliness because of the inability to visit her dearly beloved friends, most of whom are scattered across New England? That would be this kid.

So, after having the seventh in a long line of emotional breakdowns since graduating in May, I made a decision. Well, I made several decisions that mopey and drunken night.....but the one relevant to this is: I will stop being a chicken shit and just get my godforsaken licence already.

The problem with that is....frankly, I'm a shitty driver.

For example:

1) I sometimes forget to hit the turn signal when I merge onto the highway because I'm freaking out about getting there in time without hitting anyone.

2) Similarly, when I do use the turn signal, if the wheel does not click it off, I forget to actually turn it off afterwards so I end up driving along like one of those old [insert own ethnicity here] grandmothers that comedians are always going on and on about.

3) I don't judge distance quite well. Whether this says something about my a) eyesight, b) depth perception or c) math skills, it is clear that this is not safe. Especially considering that this inability has already caused one minor accident. Which I will come back to.

4) I sometimes forget that I am driving. I don't mean this in some kind of heartbreaking but slightly amusing senile way, where I start talking about my cat and then take my foot of the gas and slowly coast to a stop in the middle of the street and proceed to abandon my vehicle to go in search of dear Mr. Mittens or whatever. I mean, I forget that I'm driving in a very alarming way which involves tuning the stereo or glancing at some landmark and then having the car turn subconsciously in that direction. Or that my brain, which should be entirely full of traffic laws and observance, starts going off into ideas for future blogs, plotting how to meet and hug David Tennant without freaking the poor man out, or daydreaming about...well....boys. All of which are very distracting lines of thought. And then the next thing you know my poor mother is yelling about me not watching out for that pedestrian on the curb. (Clearly, Ma, they were not about to enter the road. They saw me breeze by and jumped back like I poked them with a cow-prod. That'll teach them to keep looking both ways).

5) I suck at reverse. Seriously. Backing up is not a good thing at all considering I can't always remember which way to turn the wheel. I was never one of those kids that needed to be reminded which hand was left and which was right but somehow at adulthood, I've been reduced to holding my palms up in front of my face and going "Wait.....now which one is the right again?"

6) Don't even ask me to try parallel parking.

7) What's a 3-point turn again?

8) Exactly 15 minutes after I got my car.....I hit another car in a parking lot. See, my parents thought it would be a great idea to have me drive my new car home right after we got it. However, they then decided to stop at Hannaford's on the way. And I had to park in a small space which I instinctively knew was not enough room for me but upon the instruction of my father, I went ahead anyway. And bumped into the other car. Thankfully it wasn't that big of a deal but still. And then after the store, I pulled out into an intersection and nearly got into another accident because another car didn't stop. First day with new car= insanity. (Not forgetting the part where I was so flustered about the minor accident that I actually not only left my car unlocked but also forget the keys IN the ignition. I might as well have just posted a giant sign that screamed "EASY STEAL!")

9) I've also hit our garage door. Twice. Both times making the same mistake. I got pissed at my mother and hit the gas instead of the brake. Sad and frightening.

Despite that drunken decision, I'd pretty much come to the conclusion that I'm just no good at this. The idea of me driving without someone in the car telling me to watch out is scary. Sometimes I just don't pay attention. Or I get distracted. And I'm legitimately terrified about having other people's lives in my hands, those both in and out of my car. I'm scared I'm going to mess up again, only next time I'll have hurt someone. Or killed them. A car's a weapon, if you think about it.

On the other hand, I can't be dependent on others my entire life. It's not fair to them and not to myself either. But there is so much terror involved here......

My best friends still listen to my negative prattle and put up with it. And the other night when I was being negative yet again about driving and the fact that I suck at it, both informed me to SHUT UP.

Harsh.....but exactly what I needed. And what proceeded was one of my friends gently knocking some sense into me.

He asked, rather bluntly, "So what makes you think you're not good enough?"
And he, frankly, wouldn't let it go. I did not really want to have that conversation because there were a lot of reasons. But....I went with the summarized answer: Because I mess up. A lot.
And cringed with the lame and emo-ness of the whole thing.

But he just answered with another question. "You have a bike?"

I blinked. Was he going to tell me to travel on bike instead? O_o "Yeah..."

"Okay....when you first rode it did you fall? Fail? Crash?"

"Yes." I was beginning to see where he was going with this but my negativity slipped through anyway. "A lot. I didn't learn until I was almost 10." And then nearly whacked my head against the desk because I couldn't believe I'd actually typed out let alone sent the last part. That was embarrassing and in fact something I hadn't really admitted.

"And do you ride your bike now and barely fall?" And he added, "Age doesn't matter."

So I agreed. I rarely fall now.

"Okay....so what does that tell you?"

At that moment, I felt kind of like a child telling my teacher the really easy and obvious moral to the story. Something I should have known but needed a little help seeing. A little slow.....but not stupid. Not judged. Just prompted.

"That if I keep trying I can do it eventually."

"Mmhmm. It's just like riding a bike or cooking. Get what I'm saying?"

"I think so. Everything takes practice."

"YES! And when you say you're not good enough you're going to think negatively and fail."

And something happened in that moment. Not quite confidence but...determination happened. Because my friend's right. The reason I mess up the most is because I tell myself I can't do things. Or I let someone else tell me that. But the negative people aren't worth listening to and neither is that little negative voice in my head. These are things I know already.....but sometimes need reminding by my ever so patient friends.

So....I wrote this blog not only to express my fear of driving but to look at those stupid little mistakes and just laugh at them. Because they're funny. And not really as horrible as I've worked them up to be.

All I need is practice and everything's going to be fine. As nervous a driver as I am now, I will get better because I can and because there are people who believe in me. And maybe it's about time I start believing in myself.

So...don't forget your seatbelt. And look out for me on the road. I'll be looking out for you.

Cautionary Tales: Morals and Such From Elders

The holiday season is coming to an end and I'm sure most of you have been with family for x amount of time. Too little...too much....or just enough to remind you of why you don't live at home anymore. Time with family inevitably means telling them a little about what's going on in your life and then listening to their opinions on your living situation, job, significant other or lack thereof.

At some point in the visit, conversations are going to turn to the topic of, well, you. The biggest piece of advice I could give any of you, would be to either be really vague or completely make facts up. Maybe this is the coward's way out....but if you tend to second-guess yourself a lot like I do, this might be the wiser alternative.

I'll start out by saying: I love my family. And I know they love me. This is not an attack on them. I just find myself drained and frustrated after being around them lately. I think the problem with families is....everyone's in everyone else's business. If you don't want to discuss something, well why? We're all family here.....there's no secrets here. I think of my family like a cross between My Big Fat Greek Wedding and Everybody Loves Raymond. If you get the references, than you know what I'm talking about.

Whenever we meet up, there's the standard questions:

Q. "How's the job search going?/You find a job yet?" and other variations on that question.

A. "Awful" and "nope." (I'm looking elsewhere now because this town's a dead end.)

Q. "So did you and that boy break up?"

A. "Yeah a few months ago." (Thanks for bringing it up.)

Q. "Well isn't that for the best? He was kind of a rebound."

A. "......." (I'm not even going to honor that with a response.This is about the time where I start thinking about how much I could use some vodka.)

Q. "Do you hear from your other ex anymore?"

A. "Not a peep." (Great...now we're stuck on the subject of my love life failures huh?)

"Well I'm so glad you woke up and listened to us about him."

"....Yeah." (Actually, I'll take anything alcoholic.)

Q. "What have you been up to?"

A. "Writing. Hanging out. Job searching." (Wallowing in self pity. Fighting depression and anxiety. Healing. You know.....the usual.)

Q. "What have you been writing?"

A. "Poetry to submit to magazines." (Also, performance poetry that you won't like because some of it's about you. Blogs so maybe I can help someone else....which you also won't like. Because some of them are about you.)

And it goes on from there.

See, I was vague. I bit my tongue. I smiled and nodded. I left it to bare facts and did not embellish. It's like trading a technical manual for your usual novel of life stories. I've learned to do this after the realization that I was upset after every well-meaning comment. Sometimes, family just doesn't understand that you're not a child anymore. Sometimes, they don't realize you're not looking for advice or a kick in the pants. You're learning to live on your own terms and all you'd like is their support.

Their, preferably silent, support.

Other than the questions, you've got the never-ending advice they need to bestow on you. My grandmother in particular always likes to bring up is what I like to call her Cautionary Tales. These are an endless supply of stories she keeps in her head of people she knew or things she saw on the news or Dateline. Stories that are meant to discourage the listener from doing what they were thinking about doing.

I wanted to go out of the country as a teenager. I got stories about young girls brutally murdered on vacation, even though they were supposed to be safe with chaperones. And what about our old priest that was mugged in broad daylight?

I was going on a trip to NYC with my class in high school. She had a story about that too, cautioning me to listen to my teacher at all times. And to not go along with any plans my best friend had because there was a story about good girls who listened to their best friends and went off from their group and then ended up in deep trouble.

I mentioned an interest in moving to Massachusetts. She had stories about why this was a bad idea, that young women shouldn't live on their own. They couldn't defend themselves if a man wanted in their apartment. What if the roommate brought in someone unsavory? She'd heard stories about that. She knew a girl who was really trusting and ran into trouble there.

Recently, I made the mistake of telling her I was hoping that someday my friend and I would have another chance at romance. That maybe after time and people and whatnot, a little twist of fate would happen. She had a story for that too. A close cousin of hers, who'd been with a guy and then they broke up. A year later they were together again and this time got married. And then he abandoned her with a child. And she cut off all communication from the rest of her family and no one heard from her for years until one day, her neighbors smelled her from down the hall.

The moral: Don't ever get back together with someone. They'll leave you and you'll die alone.

I'm beginning to think she made a lot of these stories up. Except for the one about the girls in another country. I saw that on the news.

But I realized after this last morsel, that all of her stories end the same way. Someone was trying to be adventurous, following their heart, taking chances and risks, trying to spread their wings or experience life. And then they ended up dead.

I'm beginning to see the similarity between my grandmother's Cautionary Tales and those fairy tales of old, where adults frightened children into staying home their entire life because the world was a terrifying place. Don't be adventurous or you'll end up almost eaten by a wild animal.

My entire life I've been so curious but too terrified to have adventures. I dreamed about having them. But I still found myself standing at the edge of my grandparent's property and staring across the wall into forbidden lands. Where I wasn't allowed to go.

Granted, that would have been trespassing. But I couldn't even let myself walk down their road and back. I used to play this game when I was a teenager, pushing my boundaries. I'd slowly and carefully walk slightly down the road, just to a cluster of trees at the edge of their yard. I'd pick up a rock from the ditch and chuck it across the road at the stop sign until it struck and made a loud clang. And then I'd run like hell back to their driveway again.

Rebellious, I know.

But I remember the anxiety coursing through me as I took those steps off where I was allowed to be. My palms were sweaty, my knees were weak, my head was screaming that I was going to get yelled at. Someone would hit me with their car. A van would show up and men in black masks would kidnap me. Something horrible would happen because I dared to be the tiniest bit adventurous.

And looking back on that now.....I find it rather sad. And explaining a hell of a lot about why I am the way I am. I've been raised on cautionary tales so the idea of going out on my own.....following my heart but having no real plan.....living life on my own terms......well, it sends me right into a panic attack.

But that's not how it should be. That's not how life should be. No one should be crippled by the fear of living their life.

This is what I've been learning in the past year, after a lot of reflection, analyzation and discussion with friends. You can't live your life afraid. You also can't live your life according to someone else. It's okay to be terrified.....but you gotta have the courage to do what you want anyway. Meg Cabot wrote that "Being brave is when you have to do something because you know it is right, but at the same time, you are afraid to do it, because it might hurt or whatever. But you do it anyway."

I'm telling you all: Do it anyway. Whatever it is. Moving to a new town. Writing a novel. Auditioning for a play. Trying out for cheerleading. Joining a gym. Telling the one you love, that you love them. Standing up to a bully. Visiting a distant land. Bringing down your personal demons.

You can do it. Despite the fear and the doubts and whatever people may have been telling you. You CAN do it. You are not going to become another Cautionary Tale. You are going to become an inspiring story. A goddamn legend.

And so am I.

The New Year's Resolution: A Reflection

At the end of December, millions of people sit down and make lists of resolutions for the upcoming year. And within a month, most of them give up on completing any goals.

I have always been one of those people. My past lists included often times speaking more (since I'm pretty shy) or getting at least one piece of work published (but I couldn't make myself send anything out). Be braver, be louder, be something else.

They change a little bit over the years but not by much. For example:

EXHIBIT A: My New Fearful Fabulous New Year's Resolutions for 2006:
1) Stop procrastinating
2) Not give up on ANYTHING
3) Pass ALL my classes
4) Be more assertive
5) Finish writing at least 2 of my stories
6) Show people I'm not as dumb as they might think
7) STOP being afraid of guys
8) Learn something new every day
9) Be myself NO MATTER WHAT
10) Show people my comic abilities (literary and otherwise)
11) Improve at dancing
12) STOP caring what other people think about me
13) Start believing in myself
14) Be more spontaneous
15) Stop being so shy and quiet
16) Take a chance on relationships
17) HAVE FUN! (as always)

EXHIBIT B: My Prettyful Awesome Fearful Fantabulastic New Year's Resolutions for 2007:
1) Stop procrastinating (I mean it this time)
2) Not give up on my dreams or anything
3) Pass all my classes AND Senior Project
4) Continue being assertive
5) Finish writing at least 2 stories
6) Study more
7) Challenge myself and my writing ability
8) Gain more faith
9) Be myself NO MATTER WHAT
10) Get better at golf
11) STOP chewing on my nails....pens...etc
12) Be a better friend
13) Start believing in myself
14) Stop being so scared
15) Stop being so shy sometimes
16) Open up more
17) Keep track of everyone once this school year's over
18) As always, HAVE FUN!


Notice the level of resolutions...notice even the sheer amount of them. Almost impossible to complete. And frankly....some of them were negative. I was making high goals for myself with no timeline or details, leaving me feeling guilty at the end of another year and having accomplished very little.

Last year, I had the best new years in my entire life. It was full of friends, tons of fun, lots o' love and ended with the realization that there were things in my life that I needed to fix. And I had the strength and the gumption to fix them.

In the midst of all this, I made yet another list of new years resolutions.

EXHIBIT C: New Year's Resolutions 2011
1) STOP BEING AFRAID
2) TAKE CHANCES
3) HUG AT LEAST ONE PERSON EVERY DAY
4) Read more
5) Be more active
6) Go outside more
7) Stop having secrets
8) HAVE FUN
9) Get at least one thing published
10) Listen to my intuition
11) Be a better friend
12) Do at least one thing on my Bucket List

Note.....The list is shorter.....more conceivable. More possible. And not really as negative. I was starting to make goals of things that would make me happier as a person and help me be the person I wanted to be.

And....thinking back over this year.....I did accomplish a lot on that list. I took leaps and bounds from being the uncertain submissive girl I'd always been to the strong woman who knows what she wants.

I haven't really stopped being afraid. I am the cowardly lion. But even the cowardly lion receives some Courage. Mark Twain once said that "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear--not absence of fear." So...I can still be afraid and be courageous. Being courageous means standing up to that fear, looking it in the eye, and telling it to go fuck itself. And then going ahead with what you want and need to do, despite that fear. I'm scared of damn near everything, but this year, I've been the bravest I've ever been.

For example, I finally conquered my fear of public speaking.
I burned two bridges to my past because I was sick and tired of being abused by people who I thought loved me.
I put myself out there and pursued a boy, despite the fact that I was scared of rejection or that it could ruin our friendship or that he would ultimately hurt me.
I laid all my cards on the table at the end of that relationship and said everything I felt.
And I never gave up, even when I felt I should.
I let the people in my life know what I thought and how I felt, despite fear of their reactions.

I'm still crippled by anxiety and and the fear of not being good enough but by god, I'm brave.

I took chances and risks: for love, for friendship, for dreams, for myself.

I had a lot of fun, in between all of the sadness and bullshit. I was more open with hugging (since the old me hated hugging people I didn't know that well). I read a lot. I did more, I went out in nature and enjoyed it and felt a connection. I started telling the people close to me my secrets. I listened to my intuition.....even when I wasn't sure whether it was truly my gut speaking or just what I hoped for.

And I was taught my biggest lessons this year by my three best friends. They were the catalyst for finding the strength in myself I wasn't sure I had, for seeing that life is meant to be enjoyed, for realizing my own self-worth and for not giving up or settling. They have taught me what true friendship is.

This year has been a journey....one that's not over yet. There's a really long road ahead.....and that's okay. It's more than okay. It's wonderful.

And no matter what happens, everything is going to be okay. So my resolutions this year are all about being happier and living life to the fullest degrees possible.

And if I don't accomplish them all..... at least I tried.


Resolutions for 2012:
1) Do not give up on dreams
2) Learn a new thing every day
3) Be spontaneous
4) Love a whole lot
5) Do at least one thing on bucket list
6) Write. Something. Anything. Everything
7) Trust myself
8) Have fun!