I really have abandoned this blog. I didn't mean to......it's just....I moved. And got busy. And all of a sudden I wasn't sitting sadly on my couch at 3 am listening to Third Eye Blind and writing about life. I was off.....actually living it.
So I really am sorry to whoever has been reading this and waiting for a new entry. I didn't disappear. I'm here.
So....I figured, here's something that I wrote a couple months ago........with a few thoughts and an update of sorts.
There will be an actual new entry soon. Promise.
Dating websites are the grounds for possible happiness. But the overall experience is hit or miss.....sometimes with a whole lot of misses.
I joined one such website last month. For the most part, I've sat back and had others message me. I've only actively pursued one guy ever in my entire life and my confidence level is not quite up to the challenge again.
But I did always respond. Whether it was to call some dude out for being a despicable human being (Seriously.....NSA hook up with you? And keep it on the DL because you have a GF? Asshole) or to joke around with some wisecracker, I did write back.
But I was unsure of whether I really wanted to meet anyone in real life. As long as they were just online, they were okay. Safe. Fake people....words on a screen and a couple pictures. Nothing tangible.
I even had a massive panic attack at one request to meet up.
But spontaneity made me agree to take a chance and meet up with one guy. It went well.....at first. But then my anxiety, intuition and best friends were all there to point out that I might be repeating the past again.....down a long road of dependence and control. Somewhere I promised myself I'd never go again.
Plus, he was kind of a dick.
Regardless, I was disappointed. Disappointed in that jerk....that he was a jerk. Disappointed with myself for being unable to judge character. And rather angry with the universe for thrusting this lesson on me yet again. And I'm overcome by the fear that I'll keep making the same mistakes. I had hopes.....though admittedly not for any one person.
Just the hope that someone would want me. Me, for all of me, not just because I'm apparently cute when I get mad or that I'm easily manipulated. But because I've got a big heart and I'm too honest. Because I make weird voices, act like a nutcase after sugar or caffeine, cry when characters die in books or movies, scream at spiders, and do anything for those I care about. Because I make promises and keep them, absolutely have to write ideas down as they pop into my head on anything available, and might need to have a reassuring hand touch mine in the dark.
I want someone who will appreciate my sense of humor, understand my quirks, deal with my occasional temper and hold me when I'm crying, even though I might tell them to go the hell away. I want someone who will dance like a basketcase with me, someone who can deal with my oldies playlist and not make fun of me, talk about weird stuff until 3 am, and who can appreciate how much my family and friends mean to me.
And it's really scary to pin these hopes to another again. But I find myself reaching out from inside, always hopeful that maybe....that person is just around the corner."
I'm guessing that last sentence or two was influenced by Simple Plan's Just Around the Corner. Knowing me, I was probably listening to it on some mildly sad/sappy/emotional playlist while writing the above because I was feeling kind of sad....sappy.....and emotional. That used to happen a lot. But not since August. Because around the beginning-ish of that month, I decided to say....screw it. Well, not really "screw it" but more like ......screw feeling sad because I was alone. Screw being afraid of falling in love just because I didn't ever want to feel like I'd rather be an emotionless Cyberman rather than feel anything ever again.
As a valley girl would say, that is soooooo 2011.
But basically, I figured out a couple things: A) I was entirely over my ex Homefries, B) I was not terrified of falling in love again and what's more, C) I actually was more open to it. As in, not pretending that internet people aren't tangible.
I told the universe in a tentative manner that I was wearing my big girl pants. Finally. So bring it on, oh great and powerful universe cupid!
And the universe did. ^_^
Totally promise......more blogs in future! And hopefully more frequently. Updates on past few months!!
As a valley girl would say, that is soooooo 2011.
But basically, I figured out a couple things: A) I was entirely over my ex Homefries, B) I was not terrified of falling in love again and what's more, C) I actually was more open to it. As in, not pretending that internet people aren't tangible.
I told the universe in a tentative manner that I was wearing my big girl pants. Finally. So bring it on, oh great and powerful universe cupid!
And the universe did. ^_^
Totally promise......more blogs in future! And hopefully more frequently. Updates on past few months!!
