What Would Freud Say About This?

So I'd like to talk about something new today. Sex.

I know.....imagine that.....a blog talking about sex. That's never been done before.

All sarcasm and expectation aside, this is a serious topic. Especially the bit I'm going to mention.....

Having sex with a new person.

Now, you've already discovered yourself as a sexual being in this world. Hopefully. If not...well, this is going to be an interesting ride anyway so just hold on and keep reading.

Anyhoo, you've lost your "v-card" and have possibly even been to the level of sexual deviant. But whatever the arrangement that was previously feeding your new-found appetite for coitus (Relationship, FWB, or marriage), you now find yourself in a new relationship.

This relationship, however long it's been going on finds you poised now on.....well a different Edge of Glory than Gaga was actually talking about. I think. This is the mother monster......she could mean a world of innuendos here. But that's off topic.

Basically....what it comes down to is this.....you're about to have some form of sexual intercourse with your new gal or guy.

And you're thinking......Shit.

I mean....you're first thought when the whole thing is presented is probably not..."shit". It's probably something along the lines of garbled "OhYesBabyNowThereOhhhhh".

Unless....you know, it's around the time of date three or four....or fourteen (however you crazy kids handle it out there) and you're thinking, gosh, tonight could be the night.

You've been invited up to The Apartment. Or maybe they offered to make dinner at their place for the two of you. Maybe you've decided to be the bold one and ask them over. Whichever.

You now find yourself in a state of panic and anxious preparation. What the shit do you do now?

Here is this sexy person you're like having all sorts of fuzziness for and lo and behold they're in your place. Or you're in theirs. And something is going to happen. Tonight.

But...how does it start?

Well I'm here to tell you........I don't know either.

I'm just a Creative Writing BA with a love for romance novels and Homefries, my new boyfriend who's not so new because he was my friend for like 2 years but now he's more and there has been no sexy times yet and I don't know what I'm doing.

My dear friend Dash is putting together a playlist for me....one to help me with my SexAPeel. Yes, I spelled that correctly. It's supposed to help with my own lack of confidence in the whole sexual prowess department. If you think that would help you, do it. Make one. Pick like the most confident or sexual songs you can think of and put together a playlist on Youtube. It couldn't hurt.

Now, I'm a sexual being. Having been sexually active since 2007, I've certainly had enough sex ....with an ex. Whether it was actually good or not I have no idea since I don't really have anything to compare it to. If that's your deal too, don't worry about it. Everybody starts somewhere.

The main issue here then is....how hard is it to proposition someone?

Really hard.

Luckily there's a lot of options for the first move, some subtle and some more bold.
You could:

--Give them the come hither look.
You've seen it before. You probably know how to do it. Even if you're out of practice, you do know.

--Strip to music.
I'm not kidding. Shake your bon bon and throw them your thong thong.

--Shove them against the door.
That's pretty direct and a move best done immediately after arriving at your/their place.

--Get them drunk first.
NOOOOOOO. This was a trick answer. This one is a no-no. Getting them drunk to have your wicked way with them? That one is disrespectful. If you want their loving and not their revenge, don't write that bad romance with your alcohol.

Just...don't.

If you are at their abode, then they've got the upper hand. So....you could always wait for them to lead in this primitive dance into wild jungle sex.

But there's always the chance that they won't make the first move. Maybe you have a shy one? Maybe they want you to make the move?

Listen to me right now: Just because they're taking their sweet time initiating "it", THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT THEY DON'T WANT YOU. You are dating each other. Trust me, they want you like a monkey wants a fucking banana tree.

Do not think negative, paranoid thoughts like that. They want your whole crazyass self for some inexplicable reason. Who really knows why. Just shut up that voice that's whispering in your head things like, "Why aren't they making a move? Why aren't they touching me in that manner?"

Chances are because you're nervous as hell, they're picking up on it. Your aura or outward appearance is quite possibly that of a duck about to be plucked.

Stop with the inner freakout and just BREATHE. Breathe deep breaths. It's all gonna be okay, buttercup. Deep breaths do not mean hyperventilate either. Deep, slow, calming breaths. Hyperventilating is most definitely not sexy.

Now, carefully watch their face. Pay special attention to their eyes. Eyes, as you probably know by now, are an excellent way to read what's going on inside someone else's head. And really....do you need another reason to stare into your significant other's gorgeous eyes?

Also, watch their lips. If they are licking or biting them, that means something. But especially watch eyes. If their eyes are giving you that look (you know which one) then go ahead with your seduction rituals.

You should know the "ooh" look. If not in your brain, then in your gut. That whole Look is like wired into your deepest core. Bet you won't miss it if you're really paying attention.

So, what's next?

I would suggest using a line.

Yes, I know you already got them, picked them up, hooked them in. But use a line anyway. Look, I know it's cheesy. That's the point.

You use a line because it's cheesy and silly and it'll make them feel better. You can both laugh over it and hopefully that will calm you down too. Breaks up those little nervy snakes in your stomach.

The next step: Get nekkid.

Somehow, you are going to get them out of thier clothing. How you do it is your own deal. I would assume that there has been some amount of making out previously. So, start there. Rip their clothes off. Be more persuasive about it. Something.

There are about two methods to getting down to sex, kind of like ripping off a band-aid. You either take it hair by freaking hair (inch by inch) or you rip that bitch off.

So pick your speed young grasshopper: are you a ripper or an incher?

If you're an incher (and if you're nervous as shit you probably are, at least at first) you take it all slow.

Think of it like, a love scene in a movie where the world is all candles and the music is slow but not like a porno. More like slow beats or someone singing lightly. Personally, I think my soundtrack is Kings of Leon.

But ultimately, it's your movie.

The main thing you need to remember is this: Yes, they're new to your hidden body parts and you're new to thier bits. But you have done this before so, you do know how everything works.

It's like....getting a new car. You learned how to drive already so you don't need the instruction manual anymore but this time....you're gonna feel your way out. How does it move around curves, how is it on gas, does it handle rough roads well.

You know essentially how it works but it's a different model than you had before. So drive it carefully. You're not gonna break it unless you're too rough. Just test it out.

They're doing the same exact thing, you know? The point is...you know this shit. You really do.

Being with a new person is scary. Sex is scary with a new person, just like love is. Last time you did "it", did you really think you were going to have anything with a different person? Maybe not but now you do have someone new.... and it's a little scary......the whole things scary.

But that's what makes it worth it. The fear, the nerves, the adrenaline, and all that fuzziness for that person that I mentioned before.

It's okay you know. I'm exactly like you. I'm figuring this out just like you are and admittedly, I'm scared as shit. But I figure when it comes down to it, when that moment actually happens, I'm gonna take some breaths so I don't freak out and more importantly, avoid freaking him out.

And even if it's awkward or silly or we're laughing or turning red in the face or falling off furniture....I figure the second I look right into his beautiful, funky eyes and see that Look, that oooh look mixed with the same crazy inner shit that's probably in my eyes.... everything's going to be okay.

Because guess what......they're thinking the same thing. Maybe not as much or maybe they hide it well or maybe both of you are on here reading this same blog for some reason. Whatever it is, these thoughts have crossed their mind too.

Trust that it's going to be okay.

Because it is. And yeah, sex changes your relationship but.....it ultimately make things more intimate between you and brings you closer together.

Hopefully. If not....well, come back here for more advice.I've been there, kid; I'll get ya through it.

And cross your fingers for my ass!

I'm crossing mine for you.