I was at work at Grace Bros tonight and overheard my coworkers talking about someone.
Humphries: "She's so quiet you know....just walks by without really saying anything." That grabbed my attention. I moved nearer, pretending that I was straightening clothes on the rack.
Humphries: "I wouldn't mind going out and having a beer with her but she's just..."
Rosie: "Yeah I noticed. She doesn't always seem to know the right thing to say. It's too blunt."
Now I was really curious....and also concerned. The very human thing, you know. Overhear some gossip and instantly think it's all about you. Obviously.
But I legit thought it was about me. I already know everyone gossips. It happens. I gossip a lot too. Try not to but...it happens. But one thing I know about gossip is that no one is safe from it. Take part in it and as soon as your back is turned, you're the one being gossiped about.
So, I really honestly thought they were talking about me. I'm quiet. Sometimes maybe too blunt.
Especially the way they kept saying "She's such a nice girl but...."
I'm a nice girl. At least, that's what my co workers think. I think.
Humphries: "She's such a nice girl but she doesn't know how to talk to people."
Rosie: "Yeah a customer already told her 'I'm not sure if you realize that but you sound really rude'."
Then I knew it wasn't about me....because I hadn't had a customer tell me I was rude. I'd been called other things but....not rude ahah. So I did relax.
Another coworker asked who they were talking about. They replied with my name. I blinked and went "What?" Now they knew I'd been eavesdropping. But one of them turned and laughed "Oh no not you....the other ____."
It made sense. She's actually even more introverted than myself. And suddenly I was feeling pretty good. Finally, I thought. I was not viewed as the weirdo. I was the social one. I had carefully constructed this friendly, open, ever-helpful, occasionally sarcastic persona that I plastered on like the smile on my face as soon as I walk in the automatic doors. No one saw through it.
Another coworker told me today that I'm always laughing. But I couldn't tell her that 75% of that laughter is forced by nerves.
When I learned that the gossip had not been about me, I felt superior. Powerful.
And then another part of me, the shy, ever-careful, compassionate part of me that gets pushed to the side lately woke up. And I felt horrible.
Why should I feel superior to her? Why should I find this powerful that I'm somehow saved the gossip about being "a nice girl but.....you know"? We're not that different, her and I. I've just forced this friendly suit on while she remains herself.
Maybe she's the superior one. She is her whole self. I pretend. And even though they view her as odd, they still said they wouldn't mind grabbing a drink with her sometime.
I still have yet to get even an almost invitation.
And then I was nearly overwhelmed by the desperately awkward and self-loathing teenager I once was.....because I've tried so hard for over a year now for them all to like me. And while they might like me, they still don't want me to be their friend.
I'm again that 13 year old, sitting alone in the cafeteria, trying to hold back tears. I'm the 5 year old hiding in the coat closet on the first day of school. I'm the college freshman, trying not to puke as I bypass the cafeteria to hide in my room, far away from the possibility of being left out.
I'm always that kid, no matter what I do.
So I'll keep sitting here on my laptop late at night, listening to melancholy music, writing about life and what I can't change.
Humphries: "She's so quiet you know....just walks by without really saying anything." That grabbed my attention. I moved nearer, pretending that I was straightening clothes on the rack.
Humphries: "I wouldn't mind going out and having a beer with her but she's just..."
Rosie: "Yeah I noticed. She doesn't always seem to know the right thing to say. It's too blunt."
Now I was really curious....and also concerned. The very human thing, you know. Overhear some gossip and instantly think it's all about you. Obviously.
But I legit thought it was about me. I already know everyone gossips. It happens. I gossip a lot too. Try not to but...it happens. But one thing I know about gossip is that no one is safe from it. Take part in it and as soon as your back is turned, you're the one being gossiped about.
So, I really honestly thought they were talking about me. I'm quiet. Sometimes maybe too blunt.
Especially the way they kept saying "She's such a nice girl but...."
I'm a nice girl. At least, that's what my co workers think. I think.
Humphries: "She's such a nice girl but she doesn't know how to talk to people."
Rosie: "Yeah a customer already told her 'I'm not sure if you realize that but you sound really rude'."
Then I knew it wasn't about me....because I hadn't had a customer tell me I was rude. I'd been called other things but....not rude ahah. So I did relax.
Another coworker asked who they were talking about. They replied with my name. I blinked and went "What?" Now they knew I'd been eavesdropping. But one of them turned and laughed "Oh no not you....the other ____."
It made sense. She's actually even more introverted than myself. And suddenly I was feeling pretty good. Finally, I thought. I was not viewed as the weirdo. I was the social one. I had carefully constructed this friendly, open, ever-helpful, occasionally sarcastic persona that I plastered on like the smile on my face as soon as I walk in the automatic doors. No one saw through it.
Another coworker told me today that I'm always laughing. But I couldn't tell her that 75% of that laughter is forced by nerves.
When I learned that the gossip had not been about me, I felt superior. Powerful.
And then another part of me, the shy, ever-careful, compassionate part of me that gets pushed to the side lately woke up. And I felt horrible.
Why should I feel superior to her? Why should I find this powerful that I'm somehow saved the gossip about being "a nice girl but.....you know"? We're not that different, her and I. I've just forced this friendly suit on while she remains herself.
Maybe she's the superior one. She is her whole self. I pretend. And even though they view her as odd, they still said they wouldn't mind grabbing a drink with her sometime.
I still have yet to get even an almost invitation.
And then I was nearly overwhelmed by the desperately awkward and self-loathing teenager I once was.....because I've tried so hard for over a year now for them all to like me. And while they might like me, they still don't want me to be their friend.
I'm again that 13 year old, sitting alone in the cafeteria, trying to hold back tears. I'm the 5 year old hiding in the coat closet on the first day of school. I'm the college freshman, trying not to puke as I bypass the cafeteria to hide in my room, far away from the possibility of being left out.
I'm always that kid, no matter what I do.
So I'll keep sitting here on my laptop late at night, listening to melancholy music, writing about life and what I can't change.
