I got a car.
Which actually means this: My parents very generously took me to buy a car as a late graduation present. While this leaves me both extremely grateful and extremely worried about any possible Silver-Spoon-In-Mouth comments (anyone does that I'll show them my bank account......I may have just been given a car but I certainly don't get a 100 bucks a week allowance from dearest Mummy and Father), I have a bigger concern in my mind.
Actually driving the damn thing.
There is a saying that "People who can't do, teach." I think this should be followed up with "People who can't drive, walk." Which has been my mode of getting around for months.
When I was in high school, there was no point in getting a licence. At least this was what I told myself at the time. I assumed that from all the saving in preparation for college tuition, there was no way in hell I was getting a car. Especially since I didn't have a job. And really, who wants to drive around in their mother's Ford Windstar? My classmates may have driven through town in muddy rigs on tractor wheels with a rebel flag sticker in the back window (Note: this is about as far above the Mason-Dixon line as you can go without a passport handy) but still....
Driving in a minivan? Talk about lame. I didn't want to be lame. I just wanted to survive high school without drawing attention to myself.
Senior year, I acquired a boyfriend who -HALLELUJAH!- had a car. And still had a car (about 4 or 5 different ones) in the four years we were necking. With the dissolution of our relationship on highly volatile terms, there also went another excuse for not needing a licence yet.
But I was still in college. Who really needed a car in college? I'd just get picked up by my parents on weekends or catch a ride into town with friends. They all liked to drive.
Note: hiding behind another excuse.
Graduation came and went. And guess who is now feeling like a supreme bum for having to mooch rides off of family members or friends breezing through the area? Guess who feels like the lamest 23 year old ever? Guess who is losing her mind over loneliness because of the inability to visit her dearly beloved friends, most of whom are scattered across New England? That would be this kid.
So, after having the seventh in a long line of emotional breakdowns since graduating in May, I made a decision. Well, I made several decisions that mopey and drunken night.....but the one relevant to this is: I will stop being a chicken shit and just get my godforsaken licence already.
The problem with that is....frankly, I'm a shitty driver.
For example:
1) I sometimes forget to hit the turn signal when I merge onto the highway because I'm freaking out about getting there in time without hitting anyone.
2) Similarly, when I do use the turn signal, if the wheel does not click it off, I forget to actually turn it off afterwards so I end up driving along like one of those old [insert own ethnicity here] grandmothers that comedians are always going on and on about.
3) I don't judge distance quite well. Whether this says something about my a) eyesight, b) depth perception or c) math skills, it is clear that this is not safe. Especially considering that this inability has already caused one minor accident. Which I will come back to.
4) I sometimes forget that I am driving. I don't mean this in some kind of heartbreaking but slightly amusing senile way, where I start talking about my cat and then take my foot of the gas and slowly coast to a stop in the middle of the street and proceed to abandon my vehicle to go in search of dear Mr. Mittens or whatever. I mean, I forget that I'm driving in a very alarming way which involves tuning the stereo or glancing at some landmark and then having the car turn subconsciously in that direction. Or that my brain, which should be entirely full of traffic laws and observance, starts going off into ideas for future blogs, plotting how to meet and hug David Tennant without freaking the poor man out, or daydreaming about...well....boys. All of which are very distracting lines of thought. And then the next thing you know my poor mother is yelling about me not watching out for that pedestrian on the curb. (Clearly, Ma, they were not about to enter the road. They saw me breeze by and jumped back like I poked them with a cow-prod. That'll teach them to keep looking both ways).
5) I suck at reverse. Seriously. Backing up is not a good thing at all considering I can't always remember which way to turn the wheel. I was never one of those kids that needed to be reminded which hand was left and which was right but somehow at adulthood, I've been reduced to holding my palms up in front of my face and going "Wait.....now which one is the right again?"
6) Don't even ask me to try parallel parking.
7) What's a 3-point turn again?
8) Exactly 15 minutes after I got my car.....I hit another car in a parking lot. See, my parents thought it would be a great idea to have me drive my new car home right after we got it. However, they then decided to stop at Hannaford's on the way. And I had to park in a small space which I instinctively knew was not enough room for me but upon the instruction of my father, I went ahead anyway. And bumped into the other car. Thankfully it wasn't that big of a deal but still. And then after the store, I pulled out into an intersection and nearly got into another accident because another car didn't stop. First day with new car= insanity. (Not forgetting the part where I was so flustered about the minor accident that I actually not only left my car unlocked but also forget the keys IN the ignition. I might as well have just posted a giant sign that screamed "EASY STEAL!")
9) I've also hit our garage door. Twice. Both times making the same mistake. I got pissed at my mother and hit the gas instead of the brake. Sad and frightening.
Despite that drunken decision, I'd pretty much come to the conclusion that I'm just no good at this. The idea of me driving without someone in the car telling me to watch out is scary. Sometimes I just don't pay attention. Or I get distracted. And I'm legitimately terrified about having other people's lives in my hands, those both in and out of my car. I'm scared I'm going to mess up again, only next time I'll have hurt someone. Or killed them. A car's a weapon, if you think about it.
On the other hand, I can't be dependent on others my entire life. It's not fair to them and not to myself either. But there is so much terror involved here......
My best friends still listen to my negative prattle and put up with it. And the other night when I was being negative yet again about driving and the fact that I suck at it, both informed me to SHUT UP.
Harsh.....but exactly what I needed. And what proceeded was one of my friends gently knocking some sense into me.
He asked, rather bluntly, "So what makes you think you're not good enough?"
And he, frankly, wouldn't let it go. I did not really want to have that conversation because there were a lot of reasons. But....I went with the summarized answer: Because I mess up. A lot.
And cringed with the lame and emo-ness of the whole thing.
But he just answered with another question. "You have a bike?"
I blinked. Was he going to tell me to travel on bike instead? O_o "Yeah..."
"Okay....when you first rode it did you fall? Fail? Crash?"
"Yes." I was beginning to see where he was going with this but my negativity slipped through anyway. "A lot. I didn't learn until I was almost 10." And then nearly whacked my head against the desk because I couldn't believe I'd actually typed out let alone sent the last part. That was embarrassing and in fact something I hadn't really admitted.
"And do you ride your bike now and barely fall?" And he added, "Age doesn't matter."
So I agreed. I rarely fall now.
"Okay....so what does that tell you?"
At that moment, I felt kind of like a child telling my teacher the really easy and obvious moral to the story. Something I should have known but needed a little help seeing. A little slow.....but not stupid. Not judged. Just prompted.
"That if I keep trying I can do it eventually."
"Mmhmm. It's just like riding a bike or cooking. Get what I'm saying?"
"I think so. Everything takes practice."
"YES! And when you say you're not good enough you're going to think negatively and fail."
And something happened in that moment. Not quite confidence but...determination happened. Because my friend's right. The reason I mess up the most is because I tell myself I can't do things. Or I let someone else tell me that. But the negative people aren't worth listening to and neither is that little negative voice in my head. These are things I know already.....but sometimes need reminding by my ever so patient friends.
So....I wrote this blog not only to express my fear of driving but to look at those stupid little mistakes and just laugh at them. Because they're funny. And not really as horrible as I've worked them up to be.
All I need is practice and everything's going to be fine. As nervous a driver as I am now, I will get better because I can and because there are people who believe in me. And maybe it's about time I start believing in myself.
So...don't forget your seatbelt. And look out for me on the road. I'll be looking out for you.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Cautionary Tales: Morals and Such From Elders
The holiday season is coming to an end and I'm sure most of you have been with family for x amount of time. Too little...too much....or just enough to remind you of why you don't live at home anymore. Time with family inevitably means telling them a little about what's going on in your life and then listening to their opinions on your living situation, job, significant other or lack thereof.
At some point in the visit, conversations are going to turn to the topic of, well, you. The biggest piece of advice I could give any of you, would be to either be really vague or completely make facts up. Maybe this is the coward's way out....but if you tend to second-guess yourself a lot like I do, this might be the wiser alternative.
I'll start out by saying: I love my family. And I know they love me. This is not an attack on them. I just find myself drained and frustrated after being around them lately. I think the problem with families is....everyone's in everyone else's business. If you don't want to discuss something, well why? We're all family here.....there's no secrets here. I think of my family like a cross between My Big Fat Greek Wedding and Everybody Loves Raymond. If you get the references, than you know what I'm talking about.
Whenever we meet up, there's the standard questions:
Q. "How's the job search going?/You find a job yet?" and other variations on that question.
A. "Awful" and "nope." (I'm looking elsewhere now because this town's a dead end.)
Q. "So did you and that boy break up?"
A. "Yeah a few months ago." (Thanks for bringing it up.)
Q. "Well isn't that for the best? He was kind of a rebound."
A. "......." (I'm not even going to honor that with a response.This is about the time where I start thinking about how much I could use some vodka.)
Q. "Do you hear from your other ex anymore?"
A. "Not a peep." (Great...now we're stuck on the subject of my love life failures huh?)
"Well I'm so glad you woke up and listened to us about him."
"....Yeah." (Actually, I'll take anything alcoholic.)
Q. "What have you been up to?"
A. "Writing. Hanging out. Job searching." (Wallowing in self pity. Fighting depression and anxiety. Healing. You know.....the usual.)
Q. "What have you been writing?"
A. "Poetry to submit to magazines." (Also, performance poetry that you won't like because some of it's about you. Blogs so maybe I can help someone else....which you also won't like. Because some of them are about you.)
And it goes on from there.
See, I was vague. I bit my tongue. I smiled and nodded. I left it to bare facts and did not embellish. It's like trading a technical manual for your usual novel of life stories. I've learned to do this after the realization that I was upset after every well-meaning comment. Sometimes, family just doesn't understand that you're not a child anymore. Sometimes, they don't realize you're not looking for advice or a kick in the pants. You're learning to live on your own terms and all you'd like is their support.
Their, preferably silent, support.
Other than the questions, you've got the never-ending advice they need to bestow on you. My grandmother in particular always likes to bring up is what I like to call her Cautionary Tales. These are an endless supply of stories she keeps in her head of people she knew or things she saw on the news or Dateline. Stories that are meant to discourage the listener from doing what they were thinking about doing.
I wanted to go out of the country as a teenager. I got stories about young girls brutally murdered on vacation, even though they were supposed to be safe with chaperones. And what about our old priest that was mugged in broad daylight?
I was going on a trip to NYC with my class in high school. She had a story about that too, cautioning me to listen to my teacher at all times. And to not go along with any plans my best friend had because there was a story about good girls who listened to their best friends and went off from their group and then ended up in deep trouble.
I mentioned an interest in moving to Massachusetts. She had stories about why this was a bad idea, that young women shouldn't live on their own. They couldn't defend themselves if a man wanted in their apartment. What if the roommate brought in someone unsavory? She'd heard stories about that. She knew a girl who was really trusting and ran into trouble there.
Recently, I made the mistake of telling her I was hoping that someday my friend and I would have another chance at romance. That maybe after time and people and whatnot, a little twist of fate would happen. She had a story for that too. A close cousin of hers, who'd been with a guy and then they broke up. A year later they were together again and this time got married. And then he abandoned her with a child. And she cut off all communication from the rest of her family and no one heard from her for years until one day, her neighbors smelled her from down the hall.
The moral: Don't ever get back together with someone. They'll leave you and you'll die alone.
I'm beginning to think she made a lot of these stories up. Except for the one about the girls in another country. I saw that on the news.
But I realized after this last morsel, that all of her stories end the same way. Someone was trying to be adventurous, following their heart, taking chances and risks, trying to spread their wings or experience life. And then they ended up dead.
I'm beginning to see the similarity between my grandmother's Cautionary Tales and those fairy tales of old, where adults frightened children into staying home their entire life because the world was a terrifying place. Don't be adventurous or you'll end up almost eaten by a wild animal.
My entire life I've been so curious but too terrified to have adventures. I dreamed about having them. But I still found myself standing at the edge of my grandparent's property and staring across the wall into forbidden lands. Where I wasn't allowed to go.
Granted, that would have been trespassing. But I couldn't even let myself walk down their road and back. I used to play this game when I was a teenager, pushing my boundaries. I'd slowly and carefully walk slightly down the road, just to a cluster of trees at the edge of their yard. I'd pick up a rock from the ditch and chuck it across the road at the stop sign until it struck and made a loud clang. And then I'd run like hell back to their driveway again.
Rebellious, I know.
But I remember the anxiety coursing through me as I took those steps off where I was allowed to be. My palms were sweaty, my knees were weak, my head was screaming that I was going to get yelled at. Someone would hit me with their car. A van would show up and men in black masks would kidnap me. Something horrible would happen because I dared to be the tiniest bit adventurous.
And looking back on that now.....I find it rather sad. And explaining a hell of a lot about why I am the way I am. I've been raised on cautionary tales so the idea of going out on my own.....following my heart but having no real plan.....living life on my own terms......well, it sends me right into a panic attack.
But that's not how it should be. That's not how life should be. No one should be crippled by the fear of living their life.
This is what I've been learning in the past year, after a lot of reflection, analyzation and discussion with friends. You can't live your life afraid. You also can't live your life according to someone else. It's okay to be terrified.....but you gotta have the courage to do what you want anyway. Meg Cabot wrote that "Being brave is when you have to do something because you know it is right, but at the same time, you are afraid to do it, because it might hurt or whatever. But you do it anyway."
I'm telling you all: Do it anyway. Whatever it is. Moving to a new town. Writing a novel. Auditioning for a play. Trying out for cheerleading. Joining a gym. Telling the one you love, that you love them. Standing up to a bully. Visiting a distant land. Bringing down your personal demons.
You can do it. Despite the fear and the doubts and whatever people may have been telling you. You CAN do it. You are not going to become another Cautionary Tale. You are going to become an inspiring story. A goddamn legend.
And so am I.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
The New Year's Resolution: A Reflection
At the end of December, millions of people sit down and make lists of resolutions for the upcoming year. And within a month, most of them give up on completing any goals.
I have always been one of those people. My past lists included often times speaking more (since I'm pretty shy) or getting at least one piece of work published (but I couldn't make myself send anything out). Be braver, be louder, be something else.
They change a little bit over the years but not by much. For example:
EXHIBIT A: My New Fearful Fabulous New Year's Resolutions for 2006:
1) Stop procrastinating
2) Not give up on ANYTHING
3) Pass ALL my classes
4) Be more assertive
5) Finish writing at least 2 of my stories
6) Show people I'm not as dumb as they might think
7) STOP being afraid of guys
8) Learn something new every day
9) Be myself NO MATTER WHAT
10) Show people my comic abilities (literary and otherwise)
11) Improve at dancing
12) STOP caring what other people think about me
13) Start believing in myself
14) Be more spontaneous
15) Stop being so shy and quiet
16) Take a chance on relationships
17) HAVE FUN! (as always)
EXHIBIT B: My Prettyful Awesome Fearful Fantabulastic New Year's Resolutions for 2007:
1) Stop procrastinating (I mean it this time)
2) Not give up on my dreams or anything
3) Pass all my classes AND Senior Project
4) Continue being assertive
5) Finish writing at least 2 stories
6) Study more
7) Challenge myself and my writing ability
8) Gain more faith
9) Be myself NO MATTER WHAT
10) Get better at golf
11) STOP chewing on my nails....pens...etc
12) Be a better friend
13) Start believing in myself
14) Stop being so scared
15) Stop being so shy sometimes
16) Open up more
17) Keep track of everyone once this school year's over
18) As always, HAVE FUN!
Notice the level of resolutions...notice even the sheer amount of them. Almost impossible to complete. And frankly....some of them were negative. I was making high goals for myself with no timeline or details, leaving me feeling guilty at the end of another year and having accomplished very little.
Last year, I had the best new years in my entire life. It was full of friends, tons of fun, lots o' love and ended with the realization that there were things in my life that I needed to fix. And I had the strength and the gumption to fix them.
In the midst of all this, I made yet another list of new years resolutions.
EXHIBIT C: New Year's Resolutions 2011
1) STOP BEING AFRAID
2) TAKE CHANCES
3) HUG AT LEAST ONE PERSON EVERY DAY
4) Read more
5) Be more active
6) Go outside more
7) Stop having secrets
8) HAVE FUN
9) Get at least one thing published
10) Listen to my intuition
11) Be a better friend
12) Do at least one thing on my Bucket List
Note.....The list is shorter.....more conceivable. More possible. And not really as negative. I was starting to make goals of things that would make me happier as a person and help me be the person I wanted to be.
And....thinking back over this year.....I did accomplish a lot on that list. I took leaps and bounds from being the uncertain submissive girl I'd always been to the strong woman who knows what she wants.
I haven't really stopped being afraid. I am the cowardly lion. But even the cowardly lion receives some Courage. Mark Twain once said that "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear--not absence of fear." So...I can still be afraid and be courageous. Being courageous means standing up to that fear, looking it in the eye, and telling it to go fuck itself. And then going ahead with what you want and need to do, despite that fear. I'm scared of damn near everything, but this year, I've been the bravest I've ever been.
For example, I finally conquered my fear of public speaking.
I burned two bridges to my past because I was sick and tired of being abused by people who I thought loved me.
I put myself out there and pursued a boy, despite the fact that I was scared of rejection or that it could ruin our friendship or that he would ultimately hurt me.
I laid all my cards on the table at the end of that relationship and said everything I felt.
And I never gave up, even when I felt I should.
I let the people in my life know what I thought and how I felt, despite fear of their reactions.
I'm still crippled by anxiety and and the fear of not being good enough but by god, I'm brave.
I took chances and risks: for love, for friendship, for dreams, for myself.
I had a lot of fun, in between all of the sadness and bullshit. I was more open with hugging (since the old me hated hugging people I didn't know that well). I read a lot. I did more, I went out in nature and enjoyed it and felt a connection. I started telling the people close to me my secrets. I listened to my intuition.....even when I wasn't sure whether it was truly my gut speaking or just what I hoped for.
And I was taught my biggest lessons this year by my three best friends. They were the catalyst for finding the strength in myself I wasn't sure I had, for seeing that life is meant to be enjoyed, for realizing my own self-worth and for not giving up or settling. They have taught me what true friendship is.
This year has been a journey....one that's not over yet. There's a really long road ahead.....and that's okay. It's more than okay. It's wonderful.
And no matter what happens, everything is going to be okay. So my resolutions this year are all about being happier and living life to the fullest degrees possible.
And if I don't accomplish them all..... at least I tried.
Resolutions for 2012:
1) Do not give up on dreams
2) Learn a new thing every day
3) Be spontaneous
4) Love a whole lot
5) Do at least one thing on bucket list
6) Write. Something. Anything. Everything
7) Trust myself
8) Have fun!
I have always been one of those people. My past lists included often times speaking more (since I'm pretty shy) or getting at least one piece of work published (but I couldn't make myself send anything out). Be braver, be louder, be something else.
They change a little bit over the years but not by much. For example:
EXHIBIT A: My New Fearful Fabulous New Year's Resolutions for 2006:
1) Stop procrastinating
2) Not give up on ANYTHING
3) Pass ALL my classes
4) Be more assertive
5) Finish writing at least 2 of my stories
6) Show people I'm not as dumb as they might think
7) STOP being afraid of guys
8) Learn something new every day
9) Be myself NO MATTER WHAT
10) Show people my comic abilities (literary and otherwise)
11) Improve at dancing
12) STOP caring what other people think about me
13) Start believing in myself
14) Be more spontaneous
15) Stop being so shy and quiet
16) Take a chance on relationships
17) HAVE FUN! (as always)
EXHIBIT B: My Prettyful Awesome Fearful Fantabulastic New Year's Resolutions for 2007:
1) Stop procrastinating (I mean it this time)
2) Not give up on my dreams or anything
3) Pass all my classes AND Senior Project
4) Continue being assertive
5) Finish writing at least 2 stories
6) Study more
7) Challenge myself and my writing ability
8) Gain more faith
9) Be myself NO MATTER WHAT
10) Get better at golf
11) STOP chewing on my nails....pens...etc
12) Be a better friend
13) Start believing in myself
14) Stop being so scared
15) Stop being so shy sometimes
16) Open up more
17) Keep track of everyone once this school year's over
18) As always, HAVE FUN!
Notice the level of resolutions...notice even the sheer amount of them. Almost impossible to complete. And frankly....some of them were negative. I was making high goals for myself with no timeline or details, leaving me feeling guilty at the end of another year and having accomplished very little.
Last year, I had the best new years in my entire life. It was full of friends, tons of fun, lots o' love and ended with the realization that there were things in my life that I needed to fix. And I had the strength and the gumption to fix them.
In the midst of all this, I made yet another list of new years resolutions.
EXHIBIT C: New Year's Resolutions 2011
1) STOP BEING AFRAID
2) TAKE CHANCES
3) HUG AT LEAST ONE PERSON EVERY DAY
4) Read more
5) Be more active
6) Go outside more
7) Stop having secrets
8) HAVE FUN
9) Get at least one thing published
10) Listen to my intuition
11) Be a better friend
12) Do at least one thing on my Bucket List
Note.....The list is shorter.....more conceivable. More possible. And not really as negative. I was starting to make goals of things that would make me happier as a person and help me be the person I wanted to be.
And....thinking back over this year.....I did accomplish a lot on that list. I took leaps and bounds from being the uncertain submissive girl I'd always been to the strong woman who knows what she wants.
I haven't really stopped being afraid. I am the cowardly lion. But even the cowardly lion receives some Courage. Mark Twain once said that "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear--not absence of fear." So...I can still be afraid and be courageous. Being courageous means standing up to that fear, looking it in the eye, and telling it to go fuck itself. And then going ahead with what you want and need to do, despite that fear. I'm scared of damn near everything, but this year, I've been the bravest I've ever been.
For example, I finally conquered my fear of public speaking.
I burned two bridges to my past because I was sick and tired of being abused by people who I thought loved me.
I put myself out there and pursued a boy, despite the fact that I was scared of rejection or that it could ruin our friendship or that he would ultimately hurt me.
I laid all my cards on the table at the end of that relationship and said everything I felt.
And I never gave up, even when I felt I should.
I let the people in my life know what I thought and how I felt, despite fear of their reactions.
I'm still crippled by anxiety and and the fear of not being good enough but by god, I'm brave.
I took chances and risks: for love, for friendship, for dreams, for myself.
I had a lot of fun, in between all of the sadness and bullshit. I was more open with hugging (since the old me hated hugging people I didn't know that well). I read a lot. I did more, I went out in nature and enjoyed it and felt a connection. I started telling the people close to me my secrets. I listened to my intuition.....even when I wasn't sure whether it was truly my gut speaking or just what I hoped for.
And I was taught my biggest lessons this year by my three best friends. They were the catalyst for finding the strength in myself I wasn't sure I had, for seeing that life is meant to be enjoyed, for realizing my own self-worth and for not giving up or settling. They have taught me what true friendship is.
This year has been a journey....one that's not over yet. There's a really long road ahead.....and that's okay. It's more than okay. It's wonderful.
And no matter what happens, everything is going to be okay. So my resolutions this year are all about being happier and living life to the fullest degrees possible.
And if I don't accomplish them all..... at least I tried.
Resolutions for 2012:
1) Do not give up on dreams
2) Learn a new thing every day
3) Be spontaneous
4) Love a whole lot
5) Do at least one thing on bucket list
6) Write. Something. Anything. Everything
7) Trust myself
8) Have fun!
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
The Truth About Anxiety
I'm a basketcase.
At least, that's what I tell myself on nights like this where it's almost 2 in the morning and I have a pounding headache and my stomach is tied up in fizzy knots.
This particular brand of unsettling insomnia is something that hits me when I have too much on my mind. Or some kind of emotional upheaval has occurred and I can no longer avoid dealing with it so it invades my brain until it's 5 in the morning and I'm crying into my stuffed elephant wondering why everything sucks.
Or end up watching reruns of Fresh Prince.
Sometimes I try to figure out what's wrong with me. This is a bad idea because if you're a hypochondriac like me, then there's about two hours spent on Web MD, followed by having a panic attack because I've managed to convince myself that I have an aneurysm. Or that my appendix is about to burst. Or that I've developed Diphtheria.
Lately, I've been reflecting on my mental health as well because frankly a lot of emotional shit has happened within the past year. And my fragile sense of normalcy and sanity shattered about the same time my heart did.
All emoness aside, I decided to diagnose myself online. Now, being a hypochondriac, I already freaked myself about about my mental and physical state back in 10th grade health class....and all those late night searches on Web MD. My search was actually more legitimate this time.
I'm already aware that I have anxiety. I've always been kinda on the nervous side my whole life; it just exploded due to stress my junior year of college. My main concern was the fact that it hasn't gotten any better. It has, in fact, gotten a lot worse. To the point where I have more panic attacks thinking I have some sort of disease. Or cannot eat because I might throw up because something upset me. Or not being able to sleep until I convince myself my heart won't stop. Or trying not to tweak out in front of strangers.
So....I sought out some answers. Do I really have such bad anxiety? How can I manage it? Am I going to be able to manage it without medication or a therapist?
The internet offers many lovely things......like, tests to find out how wacky you might be. It said that the test was in no way an actual diagnosis....but it was something to think about. So I took it.
My score was 39. The test scoring said "38 and above means you have severe anxiety." Well....that's great. Most of the symptoms that sounded pretty much like my life were under what's called General Anxiety Disorder.
1) Constant worries on your mind
2) Feeling like your anxiety is uncontrollable
3) Intrusive thoughts about things that make you nervous or upset
4) An inability to tolerate uncertainty
5) An intrusive feeling of apprehension
6) Inability to relax, enjoy quiet time or be by yourself
7) Difficulty concentrating or focusing on something
8) Putting things off because you feel overwhelmed
9) Avoiding situations that make you feel anxious
10) Feeling tense; muscles tightness or body aches
11) Having trouble falling asleep or staying asleep because you're mind will not stop
12) Feeling edgy or restless or jumpy
13) Stomach problems, nausea, diarrhea
I was like.....O_o no way.
And the article was like "Yes way, keep reading." Because they also talked about the anxiety in children.
- “What if” fears about situations far in the future
- Perfectionism, excessive self-criticism, and fear of making mistakes
- Feeling that they’re to blame for any disaster, and their worry will keep tragedy from occurring
- The conviction that misfortune is contagious and will happen to them
- Need for frequent reassurance and approval
And quite suddenly, it was clear that I have been anxious a lot longer than I thought. It was like all my childhood fears and worries were making sense.
But what can you do about it? Because frankly, this was becoming debilitating. To the point where I actually have to talk myself into walking out my front door just so I can walk to the bank. Or I feel like I'm going to throw up because something someone said or did....or didn't do ends up upsetting me greatly. Or I have severe meltdowns because I feel like I'm not good enough or I did something wrong or everything I touch is going to be destroyed.
This is not exactly normal. And I end most days feeling feeling frustrated with myself and utterly trapped.
So I found this great website that talks about anxiety, like all the different kinds and what causes them. This link is where I found all my information: http://helpguide.org/mental/generalized_anxiety_disorder.htm
It seems pretty legit, thought of course, it's right in saying that the site is helpful, but actually talking with a professional is the best way to deal with it. Which yeah....can be a little scary. But you can't hide from life. I've tried and all I've become is more anxious, self-conscious, and horribly sad.
So...not now.....but someday soon, I'll be looking for that help. Until then, I've been finding this section of the website particularly helpful. It's called AWARE....and hopefully, maybe it can help you too.
The key to switching out of an anxiety state is to accept it fully. Remaining in the present and accepting your anxiety causes it to disappear.
A: Accept the anxiety.
Welcome it. Don't fight it. replace your rejection, anger, and hatred of it with acceptance. By resisting, you're prolonging the unpleasantness of it. Instead, flow with it. Don 't make it responsible for how you think, feel, and act.
W: Watch your anxiety.
Look at it without judgement--not good, not bad. Rate it on a 0-to-10 scale and watch it go up and down. Be detached. Remember, you're not your anxiety. The more you can separate yourself from the experience, the more you can just watch it.
A: Act with the anxiety.
Act as if you aren't anxious. Function with it. Slow down if you have to, but keep going. Breathe slowly and normally. If you run from the situation your anxiety will go down, but your fear will go up. If you stay, both your anxiety and your fear will go down.
R: Repeat the steps.
Continue to accept your anxiety, watch it, and act with it until it goes down to a comfortable level. And it will. Just keep repeating these three steps: accept, watch, and act with it.
E: Expect the best.
What you fear the most rarely happens. Recognize that a certain amount of anxiety is normal. By expecting future anxiety you're putting yourself in a good position to accept it when it comes again.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Say It Simple, Say It Well
I was listening to the radio on the drive home last night. It was the Delilah show, something I used to fall asleep to as a kid. Probably a good thing I wasn't the one driving.
Anyway, I was beginning to zone out to the soothing tones of that radio matron and her sappy love songs....when I zeroed in on the lyrics.
And I had a realization. None of those sappy love songs make any sense.
I mean, really? "You are the sun/you are the rain"....how can you be both?
"She's my kinda rain/like love in a drunken sky" .....what does that even MEAN?
Why can't love be expressed without all those cheesy metaphors that make absolutely no sense? Why can't someone simply say how they feel, without all the flowery words? Does everyone have to turn into Percy Blysse Shelly when they're in love? Really?
I mean, the man was long-winded. Not every girl likes have a five-page-long ballad about how beautiful she is. You like her hair, her skin and her lips. Okay, okay, we get it. You're focusing elsewhere so you don't say anything about her tits. Good boy.
My favorite songs that lean more towards simplicity would have to be Hands Down by Dashboard Confessional and Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol.
Hands Down is talking about sex between a couple for the first time, said simply but beautifully. And at the end, you get the sense that though "love" has been said nowhere in the song, there are strong feelings between the two. "My hopes are so high/that your kiss might kill me/So won't you kill me/so I die happy/My heart is yours to fill or burst/to break or bury/or wear as jewelery/which ever you prefer." These lines are hopeful....Emo but hopeful. The other person effects them greatly....but they know, even though there's no words of feelings between them, that the other person cares too.
This is shown by some of the last lines: "You stood at your door with your hands on my waist/and you kissed me like you meant it/And I knew that you meant it/that you meant it/that you meant it."
It's hopeful. And isn't that what love is? A hope, a sensation. You hope that this feeling will last forever. You hope that the person you love, loves you too.
Snow Patrol's Chasing Cars is close enough to my own state of mind (and heart). It's said simply and beautifully. Why do so many songs lean towards flowery or impossible titles and songs? Why sing in a cheesy way when you can say everything here?
"We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we’re told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?"
Words that are spoken, every single one, has meaning. Deep meaning. To overuse I love you, to use flowery, overly-exaggerated speech almost makes those words lose such great meaning. It renders them ridiculous and untrue.
Maybe this is just the opinion from the Generation X/Y/whatever generation mine is considered now. Maybe with the onset of instant yet anonymous communication, much expression is lost on us. Maybe, being products of reformed hippies and heartless capitalism, we view love cynically.
But I still believe in it. I hope for it. But even I say again here......I want it put simply and randomly. That way I know it's truly from the heart.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sVQ4aLWLi8Q
The guy on this video knows it.
Anyway, I was beginning to zone out to the soothing tones of that radio matron and her sappy love songs....when I zeroed in on the lyrics.
And I had a realization. None of those sappy love songs make any sense.
I mean, really? "You are the sun/you are the rain"....how can you be both?
"She's my kinda rain/like love in a drunken sky" .....what does that even MEAN?
Why can't love be expressed without all those cheesy metaphors that make absolutely no sense? Why can't someone simply say how they feel, without all the flowery words? Does everyone have to turn into Percy Blysse Shelly when they're in love? Really?
I mean, the man was long-winded. Not every girl likes have a five-page-long ballad about how beautiful she is. You like her hair, her skin and her lips. Okay, okay, we get it. You're focusing elsewhere so you don't say anything about her tits. Good boy.
My favorite songs that lean more towards simplicity would have to be Hands Down by Dashboard Confessional and Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol.
Hands Down is talking about sex between a couple for the first time, said simply but beautifully. And at the end, you get the sense that though "love" has been said nowhere in the song, there are strong feelings between the two. "My hopes are so high/that your kiss might kill me/So won't you kill me/so I die happy/My heart is yours to fill or burst/to break or bury/or wear as jewelery/which ever you prefer." These lines are hopeful....Emo but hopeful. The other person effects them greatly....but they know, even though there's no words of feelings between them, that the other person cares too.
This is shown by some of the last lines: "You stood at your door with your hands on my waist/and you kissed me like you meant it/And I knew that you meant it/that you meant it/that you meant it."
It's hopeful. And isn't that what love is? A hope, a sensation. You hope that this feeling will last forever. You hope that the person you love, loves you too.
Snow Patrol's Chasing Cars is close enough to my own state of mind (and heart). It's said simply and beautifully. Why do so many songs lean towards flowery or impossible titles and songs? Why sing in a cheesy way when you can say everything here?
"We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we’re told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?"
Words that are spoken, every single one, has meaning. Deep meaning. To overuse I love you, to use flowery, overly-exaggerated speech almost makes those words lose such great meaning. It renders them ridiculous and untrue.
Maybe this is just the opinion from the Generation X/Y/whatever generation mine is considered now. Maybe with the onset of instant yet anonymous communication, much expression is lost on us. Maybe, being products of reformed hippies and heartless capitalism, we view love cynically.
But I still believe in it. I hope for it. But even I say again here......I want it put simply and randomly. That way I know it's truly from the heart.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sVQ4aLWLi8Q
The guy on this video knows it.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
'Sponsitility......
I went to the dentist's today.
Like most people, I hate having to go. It's not exactly a fun time having people fishing around in your mouth with pointy objects. As I was seated with a glinting smile, I pondered for a moment what would actually possess a person to work with teeth. I mean really? Do you just wake up one morning and decide, golly gee, I wanna become a dental hygienist! Do they like shoving fingers into strange people's mouths? Is it an adrenaline rush for them? A fetish?
I'll bet that's what it is. A tooth fetish.
But seriously.....to want to poke people in the mouth with sharp little sticky hooked things? There's an inner sadist lurking behind those green masks.
However, I was trying to not think about this as the hygenist began her attack on my molars. No sense in having a full-blown panic attack with my mouth wedged open. So I drifted off into my inner happy place. Only this time my inner happy place was inundated with a nagging mature voice. Like an inner Jiminy Cricket, only this one wasn't so much my conscience as it was the Voice of Reason and Responsibility.
And this voice started off reasonably enough with legit thoughts and then turned into rants about ways I was not in fact a mature and responsible adult.
For example.....
Responsible adults brush their teeth every single day, twice a day. For more than 15 seconds.
Responsible adults also floss if not every day, at least twice a week.
Responsible adults have gym memberships. They also go for mile walks and runs in the morning.
Responsible adults do not hiss at sunlight when someone opens their curtains at 9 AM.
Responsible adults eat healthy foods, like fruits and vegetables and grains. They eat AND enjoy the bread with all the crap on the crust. They don't call a Dew and a package of Ramen to be a balanced meal.
Responsible adults drink wine for the hell of it. Tasteful, nice glasses of wine with dinner or sipped gently while reading a book.
Responsible adults also read literature.....books that make you think. Not your old worn copy of Captain Underpants for the millionth time because it's still funny.
Responsible adults no longer find bathroom humor to be funny.
Responsible adults drink wine in quiet nights in and on dates. Or they drink cosmopolitans at the bar. They do not create questionable concoctions with their friends and then end the night with throwing pieces from a drinking game down the shirt of the girl with the most displayed breasts.
Responsible adults don't play drinking games; they play parcheesi.
Responsible adults do not spend their money on coloring books or sidewalk chalk. They put their moola in savings. Or buy closet organizers.
Responsible adults also have organized closets. And shiny cars. And clean houses. They do not shove all their shit under the bed to hide it.
Responsible adults go out into public without having panic attacks. They also sit appropriately, use manners and never ever burp loudly in front of other people.
Responsible adults........
And that's when I realized, you know what..... responsible adults sound like they don't have too much fun.
*grabs sidewalk chalk and vodka* Who's ready for a fun night?
Like most people, I hate having to go. It's not exactly a fun time having people fishing around in your mouth with pointy objects. As I was seated with a glinting smile, I pondered for a moment what would actually possess a person to work with teeth. I mean really? Do you just wake up one morning and decide, golly gee, I wanna become a dental hygienist! Do they like shoving fingers into strange people's mouths? Is it an adrenaline rush for them? A fetish?
I'll bet that's what it is. A tooth fetish.
But seriously.....to want to poke people in the mouth with sharp little sticky hooked things? There's an inner sadist lurking behind those green masks.
However, I was trying to not think about this as the hygenist began her attack on my molars. No sense in having a full-blown panic attack with my mouth wedged open. So I drifted off into my inner happy place. Only this time my inner happy place was inundated with a nagging mature voice. Like an inner Jiminy Cricket, only this one wasn't so much my conscience as it was the Voice of Reason and Responsibility.
And this voice started off reasonably enough with legit thoughts and then turned into rants about ways I was not in fact a mature and responsible adult.
For example.....
Responsible adults brush their teeth every single day, twice a day. For more than 15 seconds.
Responsible adults also floss if not every day, at least twice a week.
Responsible adults have gym memberships. They also go for mile walks and runs in the morning.
Responsible adults do not hiss at sunlight when someone opens their curtains at 9 AM.
Responsible adults eat healthy foods, like fruits and vegetables and grains. They eat AND enjoy the bread with all the crap on the crust. They don't call a Dew and a package of Ramen to be a balanced meal.
Responsible adults drink wine for the hell of it. Tasteful, nice glasses of wine with dinner or sipped gently while reading a book.
Responsible adults also read literature.....books that make you think. Not your old worn copy of Captain Underpants for the millionth time because it's still funny.
Responsible adults no longer find bathroom humor to be funny.
Responsible adults drink wine in quiet nights in and on dates. Or they drink cosmopolitans at the bar. They do not create questionable concoctions with their friends and then end the night with throwing pieces from a drinking game down the shirt of the girl with the most displayed breasts.
Responsible adults don't play drinking games; they play parcheesi.
Responsible adults do not spend their money on coloring books or sidewalk chalk. They put their moola in savings. Or buy closet organizers.
Responsible adults also have organized closets. And shiny cars. And clean houses. They do not shove all their shit under the bed to hide it.
Responsible adults go out into public without having panic attacks. They also sit appropriately, use manners and never ever burp loudly in front of other people.
Responsible adults........
And that's when I realized, you know what..... responsible adults sound like they don't have too much fun.
*grabs sidewalk chalk and vodka* Who's ready for a fun night?
Monday, May 23, 2011
What Would Freud Say About This?
So I'd like to talk about something new today. Sex.
I know.....imagine that.....a blog talking about sex. That's never been done before.
All sarcasm and expectation aside, this is a serious topic. Especially the bit I'm going to mention.....
Having sex with a new person.
Now, you've already discovered yourself as a sexual being in this world. Hopefully. If not...well, this is going to be an interesting ride anyway so just hold on and keep reading.
Anyhoo, you've lost your "v-card" and have possibly even been to the level of sexual deviant. But whatever the arrangement that was previously feeding your new-found appetite for coitus (Relationship, FWB, or marriage), you now find yourself in a new relationship.
This relationship, however long it's been going on finds you poised now on.....well a different Edge of Glory than Gaga was actually talking about. I think. This is the mother monster......she could mean a world of innuendos here. But that's off topic.
Basically....what it comes down to is this.....you're about to have some form of sexual intercourse with your new gal or guy.
And you're thinking......Shit.
I mean....you're first thought when the whole thing is presented is probably not..."shit". It's probably something along the lines of garbled "OhYesBabyNowThereOhhhhh".
Unless....you know, it's around the time of date three or four....or fourteen (however you crazy kids handle it out there) and you're thinking, gosh, tonight could be the night.
You've been invited up to The Apartment. Or maybe they offered to make dinner at their place for the two of you. Maybe you've decided to be the bold one and ask them over. Whichever.
You now find yourself in a state of panic and anxious preparation. What the shit do you do now?
Here is this sexy person you're like having all sorts of fuzziness for and lo and behold they're in your place. Or you're in theirs. And something is going to happen. Tonight.
But...how does it start?
Well I'm here to tell you........I don't know either.
I'm just a Creative Writing BA with a love for romance novels and Homefries, my new boyfriend who's not so new because he was my friend for like 2 years but now he's more and there has been no sexy times yet and I don't know what I'm doing.
My dear friend Dash is putting together a playlist for me....one to help me with my SexAPeel. Yes, I spelled that correctly. It's supposed to help with my own lack of confidence in the whole sexual prowess department. If you think that would help you, do it. Make one. Pick like the most confident or sexual songs you can think of and put together a playlist on Youtube. It couldn't hurt.
Now, I'm a sexual being. Having been sexually active since 2007, I've certainly had enough sex ....with an ex. Whether it was actually good or not I have no idea since I don't really have anything to compare it to. If that's your deal too, don't worry about it. Everybody starts somewhere.
The main issue here then is....how hard is it to proposition someone?
Really hard.
Luckily there's a lot of options for the first move, some subtle and some more bold.
You could:
--Give them the come hither look.
You've seen it before. You probably know how to do it. Even if you're out of practice, you do know.
--Strip to music.
I'm not kidding. Shake your bon bon and throw them your thong thong.
--Shove them against the door.
That's pretty direct and a move best done immediately after arriving at your/their place.
--Get them drunk first.
NOOOOOOO. This was a trick answer. This one is a no-no. Getting them drunk to have your wicked way with them? That one is disrespectful. If you want their loving and not their revenge, don't write that bad romance with your alcohol.
Just...don't.
If you are at their abode, then they've got the upper hand. So....you could always wait for them to lead in this primitive dance into wild jungle sex.
But there's always the chance that they won't make the first move. Maybe you have a shy one? Maybe they want you to make the move?
Listen to me right now: Just because they're taking their sweet time initiating "it", THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT THEY DON'T WANT YOU. You are dating each other. Trust me, they want you like a monkey wants a fucking banana tree.
Do not think negative, paranoid thoughts like that. They want your whole crazyass self for some inexplicable reason. Who really knows why. Just shut up that voice that's whispering in your head things like, "Why aren't they making a move? Why aren't they touching me in that manner?"
Chances are because you're nervous as hell, they're picking up on it. Your aura or outward appearance is quite possibly that of a duck about to be plucked.
Stop with the inner freakout and just BREATHE. Breathe deep breaths. It's all gonna be okay, buttercup. Deep breaths do not mean hyperventilate either. Deep, slow, calming breaths. Hyperventilating is most definitely not sexy.
Now, carefully watch their face. Pay special attention to their eyes. Eyes, as you probably know by now, are an excellent way to read what's going on inside someone else's head. And really....do you need another reason to stare into your significant other's gorgeous eyes?
Also, watch their lips. If they are licking or biting them, that means something. But especially watch eyes. If their eyes are giving you that look (you know which one) then go ahead with your seduction rituals.
You should know the "ooh" look. If not in your brain, then in your gut. That whole Look is like wired into your deepest core. Bet you won't miss it if you're really paying attention.
So, what's next?
I would suggest using a line.
Yes, I know you already got them, picked them up, hooked them in. But use a line anyway. Look, I know it's cheesy. That's the point.
You use a line because it's cheesy and silly and it'll make them feel better. You can both laugh over it and hopefully that will calm you down too. Breaks up those little nervy snakes in your stomach.
The next step: Get nekkid.
Somehow, you are going to get them out of thier clothing. How you do it is your own deal. I would assume that there has been some amount of making out previously. So, start there. Rip their clothes off. Be more persuasive about it. Something.
There are about two methods to getting down to sex, kind of like ripping off a band-aid. You either take it hair by freaking hair (inch by inch) or you rip that bitch off.
So pick your speed young grasshopper: are you a ripper or an incher?
If you're an incher (and if you're nervous as shit you probably are, at least at first) you take it all slow.
Think of it like, a love scene in a movie where the world is all candles and the music is slow but not like a porno. More like slow beats or someone singing lightly. Personally, I think my soundtrack is Kings of Leon.
But ultimately, it's your movie.
The main thing you need to remember is this: Yes, they're new to your hidden body parts and you're new to thier bits. But you have done this before so, you do know how everything works.
It's like....getting a new car. You learned how to drive already so you don't need the instruction manual anymore but this time....you're gonna feel your way out. How does it move around curves, how is it on gas, does it handle rough roads well.
You know essentially how it works but it's a different model than you had before. So drive it carefully. You're not gonna break it unless you're too rough. Just test it out.
They're doing the same exact thing, you know? The point is...you know this shit. You really do.
Being with a new person is scary. Sex is scary with a new person, just like love is. Last time you did "it", did you really think you were going to have anything with a different person? Maybe not but now you do have someone new.... and it's a little scary......the whole things scary.
But that's what makes it worth it. The fear, the nerves, the adrenaline, and all that fuzziness for that person that I mentioned before.
It's okay you know. I'm exactly like you. I'm figuring this out just like you are and admittedly, I'm scared as shit. But I figure when it comes down to it, when that moment actually happens, I'm gonna take some breaths so I don't freak out and more importantly, avoid freaking him out.
And even if it's awkward or silly or we're laughing or turning red in the face or falling off furniture....I figure the second I look right into his beautiful, funky eyes and see that Look, that oooh look mixed with the same crazy inner shit that's probably in my eyes.... everything's going to be okay.
Because guess what......they're thinking the same thing. Maybe not as much or maybe they hide it well or maybe both of you are on here reading this same blog for some reason. Whatever it is, these thoughts have crossed their mind too.
Trust that it's going to be okay.
Because it is. And yeah, sex changes your relationship but.....it ultimately make things more intimate between you and brings you closer together.
Hopefully. If not....well, come back here for more advice.I've been there, kid; I'll get ya through it.
And cross your fingers for my ass!
I'm crossing mine for you.
I know.....imagine that.....a blog talking about sex. That's never been done before.
All sarcasm and expectation aside, this is a serious topic. Especially the bit I'm going to mention.....
Having sex with a new person.
Now, you've already discovered yourself as a sexual being in this world. Hopefully. If not...well, this is going to be an interesting ride anyway so just hold on and keep reading.
Anyhoo, you've lost your "v-card" and have possibly even been to the level of sexual deviant. But whatever the arrangement that was previously feeding your new-found appetite for coitus (Relationship, FWB, or marriage), you now find yourself in a new relationship.
This relationship, however long it's been going on finds you poised now on.....well a different Edge of Glory than Gaga was actually talking about. I think. This is the mother monster......she could mean a world of innuendos here. But that's off topic.
Basically....what it comes down to is this.....you're about to have some form of sexual intercourse with your new gal or guy.
And you're thinking......Shit.
I mean....you're first thought when the whole thing is presented is probably not..."shit". It's probably something along the lines of garbled "OhYesBabyNowThereOhhhhh".
Unless....you know, it's around the time of date three or four....or fourteen (however you crazy kids handle it out there) and you're thinking, gosh, tonight could be the night.
You've been invited up to The Apartment. Or maybe they offered to make dinner at their place for the two of you. Maybe you've decided to be the bold one and ask them over. Whichever.
You now find yourself in a state of panic and anxious preparation. What the shit do you do now?
Here is this sexy person you're like having all sorts of fuzziness for and lo and behold they're in your place. Or you're in theirs. And something is going to happen. Tonight.
But...how does it start?
Well I'm here to tell you........I don't know either.
I'm just a Creative Writing BA with a love for romance novels and Homefries, my new boyfriend who's not so new because he was my friend for like 2 years but now he's more and there has been no sexy times yet and I don't know what I'm doing.
My dear friend Dash is putting together a playlist for me....one to help me with my SexAPeel. Yes, I spelled that correctly. It's supposed to help with my own lack of confidence in the whole sexual prowess department. If you think that would help you, do it. Make one. Pick like the most confident or sexual songs you can think of and put together a playlist on Youtube. It couldn't hurt.
Now, I'm a sexual being. Having been sexually active since 2007, I've certainly had enough sex ....with an ex. Whether it was actually good or not I have no idea since I don't really have anything to compare it to. If that's your deal too, don't worry about it. Everybody starts somewhere.
The main issue here then is....how hard is it to proposition someone?
Really hard.
Luckily there's a lot of options for the first move, some subtle and some more bold.
You could:
--Give them the come hither look.
You've seen it before. You probably know how to do it. Even if you're out of practice, you do know.
--Strip to music.
I'm not kidding. Shake your bon bon and throw them your thong thong.
--Shove them against the door.
That's pretty direct and a move best done immediately after arriving at your/their place.
--Get them drunk first.
NOOOOOOO. This was a trick answer. This one is a no-no. Getting them drunk to have your wicked way with them? That one is disrespectful. If you want their loving and not their revenge, don't write that bad romance with your alcohol.
Just...don't.
If you are at their abode, then they've got the upper hand. So....you could always wait for them to lead in this primitive dance into wild jungle sex.
But there's always the chance that they won't make the first move. Maybe you have a shy one? Maybe they want you to make the move?
Listen to me right now: Just because they're taking their sweet time initiating "it", THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT THEY DON'T WANT YOU. You are dating each other. Trust me, they want you like a monkey wants a fucking banana tree.
Do not think negative, paranoid thoughts like that. They want your whole crazyass self for some inexplicable reason. Who really knows why. Just shut up that voice that's whispering in your head things like, "Why aren't they making a move? Why aren't they touching me in that manner?"
Chances are because you're nervous as hell, they're picking up on it. Your aura or outward appearance is quite possibly that of a duck about to be plucked.
Stop with the inner freakout and just BREATHE. Breathe deep breaths. It's all gonna be okay, buttercup. Deep breaths do not mean hyperventilate either. Deep, slow, calming breaths. Hyperventilating is most definitely not sexy.
Now, carefully watch their face. Pay special attention to their eyes. Eyes, as you probably know by now, are an excellent way to read what's going on inside someone else's head. And really....do you need another reason to stare into your significant other's gorgeous eyes?
Also, watch their lips. If they are licking or biting them, that means something. But especially watch eyes. If their eyes are giving you that look (you know which one) then go ahead with your seduction rituals.
You should know the "ooh" look. If not in your brain, then in your gut. That whole Look is like wired into your deepest core. Bet you won't miss it if you're really paying attention.
So, what's next?
I would suggest using a line.
Yes, I know you already got them, picked them up, hooked them in. But use a line anyway. Look, I know it's cheesy. That's the point.
You use a line because it's cheesy and silly and it'll make them feel better. You can both laugh over it and hopefully that will calm you down too. Breaks up those little nervy snakes in your stomach.
The next step: Get nekkid.
Somehow, you are going to get them out of thier clothing. How you do it is your own deal. I would assume that there has been some amount of making out previously. So, start there. Rip their clothes off. Be more persuasive about it. Something.
There are about two methods to getting down to sex, kind of like ripping off a band-aid. You either take it hair by freaking hair (inch by inch) or you rip that bitch off.
So pick your speed young grasshopper: are you a ripper or an incher?
If you're an incher (and if you're nervous as shit you probably are, at least at first) you take it all slow.
Think of it like, a love scene in a movie where the world is all candles and the music is slow but not like a porno. More like slow beats or someone singing lightly. Personally, I think my soundtrack is Kings of Leon.
But ultimately, it's your movie.
The main thing you need to remember is this: Yes, they're new to your hidden body parts and you're new to thier bits. But you have done this before so, you do know how everything works.
It's like....getting a new car. You learned how to drive already so you don't need the instruction manual anymore but this time....you're gonna feel your way out. How does it move around curves, how is it on gas, does it handle rough roads well.
You know essentially how it works but it's a different model than you had before. So drive it carefully. You're not gonna break it unless you're too rough. Just test it out.
They're doing the same exact thing, you know? The point is...you know this shit. You really do.
Being with a new person is scary. Sex is scary with a new person, just like love is. Last time you did "it", did you really think you were going to have anything with a different person? Maybe not but now you do have someone new.... and it's a little scary......the whole things scary.
But that's what makes it worth it. The fear, the nerves, the adrenaline, and all that fuzziness for that person that I mentioned before.
It's okay you know. I'm exactly like you. I'm figuring this out just like you are and admittedly, I'm scared as shit. But I figure when it comes down to it, when that moment actually happens, I'm gonna take some breaths so I don't freak out and more importantly, avoid freaking him out.
And even if it's awkward or silly or we're laughing or turning red in the face or falling off furniture....I figure the second I look right into his beautiful, funky eyes and see that Look, that oooh look mixed with the same crazy inner shit that's probably in my eyes.... everything's going to be okay.
Because guess what......they're thinking the same thing. Maybe not as much or maybe they hide it well or maybe both of you are on here reading this same blog for some reason. Whatever it is, these thoughts have crossed their mind too.
Trust that it's going to be okay.
Because it is. And yeah, sex changes your relationship but.....it ultimately make things more intimate between you and brings you closer together.
Hopefully. If not....well, come back here for more advice.I've been there, kid; I'll get ya through it.
And cross your fingers for my ass!
I'm crossing mine for you.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Why I Fear The Slopes
I have a confession to make: I didn't learn how to ski until I was 14.
This wouldn't seem odd at all until you realize that I live in Vermont......and skiing is basically the only reason we get tourists in the winter.
I mean, sure I'd been on skis before. At the age of 7, I was scooting around my very flat backyard on some flimsy bright red skis, trying to not cross them and die. But I had never been to an actual mountain.
It was about three or so days after Christmas and my uncle and aunt decided they were going to check out the powder. My aunt found out that I in fact did not know how to ski. Well that was apparently a crime.
"You should really go! It'll be great!"
I, of course, had no intentions of allowing my feet to be strapped to unreliable pieces of metal/plastic/wood/whatever the hell skis are made out of. But I have a really hard time saying no to people without coming across as rude. So I tried to ease out of it like..."Oh...I don't know...I mean....my nose is running.....and I"m kinda tired...."
Of course, there's no saying 'no' to my aunt. If you try to get out of doing something she suggests, she begins with the spiel of "You never know until you try!" or "I think it really would be a good thing for you...."
As it happens on most occasions when I try to politely and carefully extract myself from some brand new life-changing experience she tries to foist upon me, my aunt tried a new tactic. She brought it up loudly and brightly in front of my mother.
My mother, who is probably where I inherited the whole guilt complex about seeming rude for refusing to do something, did what mothers do when there's a chance to do something "exciting": She answered for me.
"Oh of course she'd love to go!" And then she turned to me, gave me a very serious Mom-face and informed me that I really should in fact go. Because apparently winter sports are good for me. The uncoordinated kid.
So that was how I found myself in the car heading off to some mountain with my aunt and uncle excitedly talking about how much fun it was going to be. And how I really needed to be more active and this was perfect.
I was trundled off into a beginner's class, where I nervously tried to avoid letting anyone know that I was in fact from Vermont. They would judge me surely for going 14 years without having learned how to ski. Other than a sad mishap, in which I neatly avoided a father and son from Connecticut and smacked into the instructor instead, the whole learning experience went all right. While I wasn't a very good skier, I could at least navigate the small slope they'd taken us on.
When I reconvened with my uncle and aunt, I told them about the success. After lunch, my aunt went off and my uncle insisted he'd take me up on another hill. We headed out....only he started walking in the wrong direction. I asked him where we were going.
"I'm taking you on a real hill." *looks determined*
"A.....real...hill?" O_O;
He pointed at this snow covered monstrosity and I had an instant case of cottonmouth. "But..um....the instructor suggested...the bunny slope..."
"Bunny hill? Pfff. You can do better than that."
The thing is.....when you get on the bigger hills, there's no truck to ride in or tow you up it. There's the actual lifts.
I managed to fall off of it when we got to the top, resulting in my uncle having to drag me out of the way. I took that as a bad omen but he was gung ho about the entire thing. By god, his niece was going to ski like a champ by the end of the afternoon.
We were perched at the edge of the slope and I was staring down, wide-eyed, as the trail rounded a corner and people whizzed past. There was no way in hell I was getting down there.
"Um...I think this was a bad idea."
"No it's not. C'mon. Let's go."
And so I tried. I went at an angle but because of the slope, I was moving much faster than I had previously. In sheer panic, my mind went blank and I managed to forget everything I'd just learned a couple of hours before. I was headed straight for trees and I began flailing trying to stop even as my uncle was calling out behind me "Turn! Turn!" The skis crossed and I fell painfully on the ground, nearly taking out someone who was trying to go by.
My uncle swooped over and tried to tell me again how to ski. That wasn't going to help though. I clung to the snow with gloved fingers, convinced I was going to fall off the world.
"I just want to go home." >_<
"The only way to do that is down this hill." >_< I was trapped. there was no other way down.....and I hated my life and everyone in it.
My uncle hauled me up and rambled at me about keeping my knees bent and shifting and braking and etc. It all sounded like blahblahblahrammarammablaghlatidah.
I tried to focus on making it down. But going in the opposite direction I was headed straight for trees again, only mixed with brambles and other unpleasant looking plant life. Fear struck my heart again and I did the only thing I could think of: I made myself fall.
Here was a solution. I could zigzag my way down and stop myself by plopping into the snow. Perfect. By the fifteenth time I'd done this, my uncle was fed up with me.
"Why can't you try skiing down? You just need to turn! It's going to be dark by the time we get down!"
I'd had enough as well. "You wanted me to ski down......I'M GETTING DOWN THE GODDAMN MOUNTAIN!" only by that time I'd burst into tears out of sheer frustration and terror, so it came out more like "YOU WANNA ME-----YYY TAH SKIIIII DOWWW I'M GERRRTING DOWWWW THA G-G-G-G-G-ODDAAM-M-M-MNNN MOUUUUUUUUUU---NTAAINN!!!!!!!"
My uncle threw up his hands and let me flop my way down the mountain like a dead fish. I was so happy to reach the bottom I nearly kissed the ground. But that would have required hitting the earth again and then clambering back up and I knew my knees and sides couldn't take much more of that.
And my uncle and aunt NEVER BROUGHT UP SKIING AGAIN.
Whether this is because it was too much of a hassle....or because they felt bad the next day when I woke up in a world of hurt and with the mother of all sinus infections the world may never know.
All I do know is this: I fear the mountain and with good reason.
This wouldn't seem odd at all until you realize that I live in Vermont......and skiing is basically the only reason we get tourists in the winter.
I mean, sure I'd been on skis before. At the age of 7, I was scooting around my very flat backyard on some flimsy bright red skis, trying to not cross them and die. But I had never been to an actual mountain.
It was about three or so days after Christmas and my uncle and aunt decided they were going to check out the powder. My aunt found out that I in fact did not know how to ski. Well that was apparently a crime.
"You should really go! It'll be great!"
I, of course, had no intentions of allowing my feet to be strapped to unreliable pieces of metal/plastic/wood/whatever the hell skis are made out of. But I have a really hard time saying no to people without coming across as rude. So I tried to ease out of it like..."Oh...I don't know...I mean....my nose is running.....and I"m kinda tired...."
Of course, there's no saying 'no' to my aunt. If you try to get out of doing something she suggests, she begins with the spiel of "You never know until you try!" or "I think it really would be a good thing for you...."
As it happens on most occasions when I try to politely and carefully extract myself from some brand new life-changing experience she tries to foist upon me, my aunt tried a new tactic. She brought it up loudly and brightly in front of my mother.
My mother, who is probably where I inherited the whole guilt complex about seeming rude for refusing to do something, did what mothers do when there's a chance to do something "exciting": She answered for me.
"Oh of course she'd love to go!" And then she turned to me, gave me a very serious Mom-face and informed me that I really should in fact go. Because apparently winter sports are good for me. The uncoordinated kid.
So that was how I found myself in the car heading off to some mountain with my aunt and uncle excitedly talking about how much fun it was going to be. And how I really needed to be more active and this was perfect.
I was trundled off into a beginner's class, where I nervously tried to avoid letting anyone know that I was in fact from Vermont. They would judge me surely for going 14 years without having learned how to ski. Other than a sad mishap, in which I neatly avoided a father and son from Connecticut and smacked into the instructor instead, the whole learning experience went all right. While I wasn't a very good skier, I could at least navigate the small slope they'd taken us on.
When I reconvened with my uncle and aunt, I told them about the success. After lunch, my aunt went off and my uncle insisted he'd take me up on another hill. We headed out....only he started walking in the wrong direction. I asked him where we were going.
"I'm taking you on a real hill." *looks determined*
"A.....real...hill?" O_O;
He pointed at this snow covered monstrosity and I had an instant case of cottonmouth. "But..um....the instructor suggested...the bunny slope..."
"Bunny hill? Pfff. You can do better than that."
The thing is.....when you get on the bigger hills, there's no truck to ride in or tow you up it. There's the actual lifts.
I managed to fall off of it when we got to the top, resulting in my uncle having to drag me out of the way. I took that as a bad omen but he was gung ho about the entire thing. By god, his niece was going to ski like a champ by the end of the afternoon.
We were perched at the edge of the slope and I was staring down, wide-eyed, as the trail rounded a corner and people whizzed past. There was no way in hell I was getting down there.
"Um...I think this was a bad idea."
"No it's not. C'mon. Let's go."
And so I tried. I went at an angle but because of the slope, I was moving much faster than I had previously. In sheer panic, my mind went blank and I managed to forget everything I'd just learned a couple of hours before. I was headed straight for trees and I began flailing trying to stop even as my uncle was calling out behind me "Turn! Turn!" The skis crossed and I fell painfully on the ground, nearly taking out someone who was trying to go by.
My uncle swooped over and tried to tell me again how to ski. That wasn't going to help though. I clung to the snow with gloved fingers, convinced I was going to fall off the world.
"I just want to go home." >_<
"The only way to do that is down this hill." >_< I was trapped. there was no other way down.....and I hated my life and everyone in it.
My uncle hauled me up and rambled at me about keeping my knees bent and shifting and braking and etc. It all sounded like blahblahblahrammarammablaghlatidah.
I tried to focus on making it down. But going in the opposite direction I was headed straight for trees again, only mixed with brambles and other unpleasant looking plant life. Fear struck my heart again and I did the only thing I could think of: I made myself fall.
Here was a solution. I could zigzag my way down and stop myself by plopping into the snow. Perfect. By the fifteenth time I'd done this, my uncle was fed up with me.
"Why can't you try skiing down? You just need to turn! It's going to be dark by the time we get down!"
I'd had enough as well. "You wanted me to ski down......I'M GETTING DOWN THE GODDAMN MOUNTAIN!" only by that time I'd burst into tears out of sheer frustration and terror, so it came out more like "YOU WANNA ME-----YYY TAH SKIIIII DOWWW I'M GERRRTING DOWWWW THA G-G-G-G-G-ODDAAM-M-M-MNNN MOUUUUUUUUUU---NTAAINN!!!!!!!"
My uncle threw up his hands and let me flop my way down the mountain like a dead fish. I was so happy to reach the bottom I nearly kissed the ground. But that would have required hitting the earth again and then clambering back up and I knew my knees and sides couldn't take much more of that.
And my uncle and aunt NEVER BROUGHT UP SKIING AGAIN.
Whether this is because it was too much of a hassle....or because they felt bad the next day when I woke up in a world of hurt and with the mother of all sinus infections the world may never know.
All I do know is this: I fear the mountain and with good reason.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
yeah that's how I feel.....fucker
I'm just better off without you....
Tell Me I'm A Wreck--Every Avenue
I COULD HAVE BEEN EASIER ON YOU
I COULD HAVE BEEN ALL YOU HELD ONTO
I know I wasn't fair,
I tried my best to care about you
I know I could have been a better man
But always had to have the upper hand
I'm struggling to see the better side of me
But I CAN'T TAKE ALL YOUR JABS AND TAUNTS
You're pointing out my every fault
AND YOU WONDER WHY I WALKED AWAY
WHEN YOU TELL ME I'M A WRECK
YOU SAY THAT I'M A MESS
HOW COULD YOU EXPECT ANYTHING LESS?
You latched onto me then cried I strung you along
I told you when you asked
I knew this wouldn't last
At least I could be honest about that
And now you're telling everyone
How I only did you wrong
I guess you never knew me at all
Remember on my 21st birthday
You took me where we went on our first date
We stayed till closing time,
after 4 glasses of wine
You started with a pointless argument
You said that I forgot to compliment
The dress you wore that night
That I've seen a thousand times
BUT I THINK WE JUST WANT DIFFERENT THINGS
I WANT SPACE, YOU WANT A DIAMOND RING
Whatever made you think we were meant to be?
When you tell me I'm a wreck
You say that I'm a mess
How could you expect anything less?
You latched onto me then cried I strung you along
I told you when you asked
I knew this wouldn't last
At least I could be honest about that
And now you're telling everyone
How I only did you wrong
I guess you never knew me at all
You tell me I'm a wreck
You say that I'm a mess
How could you expect anything less
When you tell me I'm a wreck
You say that I'm a mess
How could you expect anything less?
You latched onto me then cried I strung you along
I told you when you asked
I knew this wouldn't last
At least I could be honest about that
And now you're telling everyone
How I only did you wrong
STILL I SEE YOU STANDING THERE
WAITING 'ROUND FOR ME TO FALL
Girl YOU MUST BE CRAZY
STILL BELIEVING YOU AND ME BELONG
I GUESS YOU NEVER KNEW ME AT ALL.
Wounded--Third Eye Blind
The guy who put his hands on you,
has got nothing to do with me.
And the bruises that you feel will heal
and I hope you come around,
cause we're missing you.
You used to speak so easy,
now you're afaid to talk to me.
Its like walking with the wounded.
Carrying that weight way too far,
the concrete pulled you down so hard
out there with the wounded,
We're missing you.
Well I never claimed to understand
what happens after dark,
but my fingers catch the sparks
at the thought of touching you,
When you're wounded
lemme break it down til I force the issue,
we miss your face and you know I wish you would
come back down to the Delva Bar
you tell em' ,"That's just my battle scar."
I wanna kiss you, and knock em down like we used to
you're a marigold
till you're walking down shaking that ass again,
then you walk on, baby, walk on, you walk on.
on and on
you're an angel in the pit with her hands in the air
and we're missing you.
Now it's fall and your shoulders get tighter
nervous flicks on your lighter...boots
your pissed off poets
your women's groups
and the friends with you we should've known this fool
well I guess we missed the mark,
still my fingers catch the sparks at the thought of
them touching you
now your wounded
Lemme break it down till I force the issue
you never come around and you know we miss you
WELL NOBODY TOOK YOUR PRIDE AWAY
I SAID "THAT'S SOMETHING PEOPLE SAY."
BACK DOWN THE BULLY TO THE BACK OF THE BUS,
'CAUSE IT'S TIME FOR THEM TO BE SCARED OF US
till you're yelling how we're living cause you got the ball
and then you rock on, baby, rock on, you rock on.
on and on.
you're a summertime hottie with her socks in the air,
you're screaming I dont care baby I dont care no
you say you dont know, you say here we go now,
all I know is we're missing you
you say you dont know, you say here we go now,
all I know is we're missing you
show up, show up wounded
show up, show up wounded
What The Hell--Avril Lavigne
You say that I'm messing with your head (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
All 'cause I was making out with your friends (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
LOVE HURTS WHETHER IT'S RIGHT OR WRONG (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
I can't stop 'cause I'm having too much fun (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
YOU'RE ON YOUR KNEES
BEGGING PLEASE
STAY WITH ME
BUT HONESTLY
I JUST NEED TO BE A LITTLE CRAZY
ALL MY LIFE I'VE BEEN GOOD BUT NOW WHOA I'M THINKING WHAT THE HELL
All I want is to mess around and I don't really care about
If you love me, if you hate me, you can't save me, baby, baby
All my life I've been good but now, whoa, what the hell
What... what... what... What the hell?
SO WHAT IF I GO OUT ON A MILLION DATES (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
YOU NEVER CALL OR LISTEN TO ME ANYWAY (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
I'D RATHER RAGE THAN SIT AROUND AND WAIT ALL DAY (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
Don't get me wrong. I just need some time to play-ay (yeah)
You're on your knees
Begging please
Stay with me
But honestly
I just need to be a little crazy
All my life I've been good but now, whoa I'm thinking what the hell
All I want is to mess around and I don't really care about
If you love me, if you hate me
You can't save me, baby, baby
All my life I've been good but now, whoa, what the hell
La la la la la la la la... Woah... Woah...
La la la la la la la la... Woah... Woah...
You say that I'm messing with your head
Boy, I like messing in your bed
Yeah, I am messing with your head
When I'm messing with you in bed
All my life I've been good but now, whoa I'm thinking what the hell (what the hell)
All I want is to mess around and I don't really care about (I don't care about)
All my life I've been good but now, whoa I'm thinking what the hell
All I want is to mess around and I don't really care about. (if you love me)
If you love me (no), if you hate me (no)
You can't save me, baby, baby (if you love me)
ALL MY LIFE I'VE BEEN GOOD BUT NOW WHOOOOOOA WHAT THE HELL!
La la, La la la la la la, La la, La la la la la la la
King of Anything--Sara Bareilles (I think this is my new theme song...seriously)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Keep drinkin' coffee
Stare me down across the table
While I look outside
So many things I'd say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet
And count the cars that pass by
You've got opinions, man
We're all entitled to 'em
But I never asked
So let me thank you for your time
And try to not waste any more of mine
Get out of here fast
I hate to break it to you babe
But I'm not drowning
There's no one here to save
Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything?
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
You sound so innocent
All full of good intent
You swear you know best
But you expect me to
Jump up on board with you
Ride off into your delusional sunset
I'm not the one who's lost
With no direction oh
But you won't ever see
You're so busy makin' maps
With my name on them in all caps
You got the talkin' down
Just not the listening
And who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything?
All my life
I've tried
To make everybody happy while I
Just hurt
And hide
Waitin' for someone to tell me it's my turn
To decide
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything?
Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything?
Let me hold your crown, babe
Oh oh
Ah
Little Miss--Sugarland
Little Miss Down On Love
Little Miss I Give Up
Little Miss I'LL GET TOUGH
DON'T YOU WORRY 'BOUT ME ANYMORE
Little Miss Checkered Dress
Little Miss One Big Mess
Little Miss I'LL TAKE LESS
WHEN I ALWAYS GIVE SO MUCH MORE
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Yeah, SOMETIMES YA GOTTA LOSE 'TIL YOU WIN
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
IT'LL BE ALRIGHT AGAIN
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
(Okay)
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
Little Miss Do Your Best
Little Miss Never Rest
Little Miss Be My Guest
I'll Make More Anytime That It Runs Out
Little Miss You'll Go Far
Little Miss Hide Your Scars
Little Miss Who You Are
Is So Much More Than You Like To Talk About
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
And it'll be alright again
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
(Okay)
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
Oh, Lord
Oh, and you are loved
Are loved
Little Miss Brand New Start
Little Miss Do Your Part
Little Miss Big Ol' Heart Beats Wide Open
She's ready now for love
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Well, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
It'll be alright again
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
(Okay)
It'll be alright again, I'M OKAY
IT'LL BE ALRIGHT AGAIN
Imperfection--Saving Jane
MY HAIR'S A WRECK
Mascara runs
MY FEET GET DIRTY
AND MY SKIN BURNS IN THE SUN.
My lips they bleed
But I still sing my songs.
TAKES ME A MINUTE
TO ADMIT IT WHEN I'M WRONG.
Pretty is as pretty does,
BUT PRETTY'S NOT MY THING.
THIS IS WHAT YOU GET!
THIS IS WHO I AM!
TAKE ME NOW OR LEAVE ME
ANY WAY YOU CAN.
SOMETIMES I TRIP AND FALL
BUT I KNOW WHERE I STAND.
AND IF YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT CHANGING MY DIRECTION,
DON'T MESS WITH IMPERFECTION.
MY BACK IS WEAK,
BUT MY WILL IS TRUE.
Got good intentions
But I never follow through.
I say too much,
And don't know when to leave.
IN CASE YOU'RE LOOKIN',
THAT'S MY HEART THERE ON MY SLEEVE.
Ego trips and stupid slip ups,
I'm a mess but
This is what you get.
This is who I am.
Take me now or leave me
Any way you can.
Sometimes I trip and fall
But I know where I stand.
And if you're thinking about changing my direction,
Don't mess with imperfection.
Scratched and bruised,
A little used,
But baby I work fine.
You might call me
Damaged goods,
But I'm one of a kind.
My hair's a wreck,
No I'm not perfect
But I'm not the only one.
This is what you get.
This is who I am.
Take me now or leave me
Any way you can.
Sometimes I trip and fall
But I know where I stand.
And if you're thinking about changing my direction,
Don't mess with imperfection.
This is who I am.
And if you're thinking about changing my direction,
Don't mess with imperfection.
You Don't Own Me--Lesley Gore
You don't own me, I'm not just one of your many toys
You don't own me, don't say I can't go with other boys
And don't tell me what to do
And don't tell me what to say
And please, when I go out with you
Don't put me on display, 'cause
You don't own me, don't try to change me in any way
You don't own me, don't tie me down 'cause I'd never stay
Oh, I don't tell you what to say
I don't tell you what to do
So just let me be myself
That's all I ask of you
I'm young and I love to be young
I'm free and I love to be free
To live my life the way I want
To say and do whatever I please
A-a-a-nd don't tell me what to do
Oh-h-h-h don't tell me what to say
And please, when I go out with you
Don't put me on display
I don't tell you what to say
Oh-h-h-h don't tell you what to do
So just let me be myself
That's all I ask of you
I'm young and I love to be young
I'm free and I love to be free
To live my life the way I want
Freak The Freak Out--Victoria Justice
Are you listening, hear me talk, hear me sing
Open up the door, easy less, easy more
When you tell me to beware, are you here, are you there
Is there something I should know, easy come, easy go
Out of your head, don't hear a word I said
I can't communicate when you wait, don't relate
I try to talk to you, but you never even knew
So what's it gonna be, tell me, can you hear me
I'm so sick of it, your attention defecit,
Never listen, you never listen
I'm so sick of it, go and throw another fit
Never listen, you never listen
CHORUS:
I scream your name, It always stays the same
I scream and shout
So what I'm gonna do now is freak the freak out
Whoa oh (4x)
Easy come easy go
(can you hear me?)
CHORUS:
I scream your name, It always stays the same
I scream and shout
So what I'm gonna do now is freak the freak out
Whoa oh (4x)
I scream your name, but you never listen
But you never listen
But you never listen....
According To You--Orianthi (yyyyeaaah)
According to you
I’m stupid,
I’m useless,
I can’t do anything right.
According to you
I’m difficult,
hard to please,
forever changing my mind.
I’m a mess in a dress,
can’t show up on time,
even if it would save my life.
According to you. According to you.
But according to him
I’m beautiful,
incredible,
he can’t get me out of his head.
According to him
I’m funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don’t feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He’s into me for everything I’m not,
according to you.
According to you
I’m boring,
I’m moody,
and you can’t take me any place.
According to you
I suck at telling jokes cause I always give it away.
I’m the girl with the worst attention span;
you’re the boy who puts up with that.
According to you. According to you.
But according to him
I’m beautiful,
incredible,
he can’t get me out of his head.
According to him
I’m funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don’t feel like stopping that,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He’s into me for everything I’m not,
according to you.
I need to feel appreciated,
like I’m not hated. Oh no
Why can’t you see me through his eyes?
It’s too bad you’re making me decide
But according to me
you’re stupid,
you’re useless,
you can’t do anything right.
But according to him
I’m beautiful,
incredible,
he can’t get me out of his head.
According to him
I’m funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don’t feel like stopping it,
baby tell me what I got to lose.
He’s into me for everything I’m not,
according to you. [you, you]
According to you. [you, you]
According to you
I’m stupid,
I’m useless,
I can't do anything right....
See?
Tell Me I'm A Wreck--Every Avenue
I COULD HAVE BEEN EASIER ON YOU
I COULD HAVE BEEN ALL YOU HELD ONTO
I know I wasn't fair,
I tried my best to care about you
I know I could have been a better man
But always had to have the upper hand
I'm struggling to see the better side of me
But I CAN'T TAKE ALL YOUR JABS AND TAUNTS
You're pointing out my every fault
AND YOU WONDER WHY I WALKED AWAY
WHEN YOU TELL ME I'M A WRECK
YOU SAY THAT I'M A MESS
HOW COULD YOU EXPECT ANYTHING LESS?
You latched onto me then cried I strung you along
I told you when you asked
I knew this wouldn't last
At least I could be honest about that
And now you're telling everyone
How I only did you wrong
I guess you never knew me at all
Remember on my 21st birthday
You took me where we went on our first date
We stayed till closing time,
after 4 glasses of wine
You started with a pointless argument
You said that I forgot to compliment
The dress you wore that night
That I've seen a thousand times
BUT I THINK WE JUST WANT DIFFERENT THINGS
I WANT SPACE, YOU WANT A DIAMOND RING
Whatever made you think we were meant to be?
When you tell me I'm a wreck
You say that I'm a mess
How could you expect anything less?
You latched onto me then cried I strung you along
I told you when you asked
I knew this wouldn't last
At least I could be honest about that
And now you're telling everyone
How I only did you wrong
I guess you never knew me at all
You tell me I'm a wreck
You say that I'm a mess
How could you expect anything less
When you tell me I'm a wreck
You say that I'm a mess
How could you expect anything less?
You latched onto me then cried I strung you along
I told you when you asked
I knew this wouldn't last
At least I could be honest about that
And now you're telling everyone
How I only did you wrong
STILL I SEE YOU STANDING THERE
WAITING 'ROUND FOR ME TO FALL
Girl YOU MUST BE CRAZY
STILL BELIEVING YOU AND ME BELONG
I GUESS YOU NEVER KNEW ME AT ALL.
Wounded--Third Eye Blind
The guy who put his hands on you,
has got nothing to do with me.
And the bruises that you feel will heal
and I hope you come around,
cause we're missing you.
You used to speak so easy,
now you're afaid to talk to me.
Its like walking with the wounded.
Carrying that weight way too far,
the concrete pulled you down so hard
out there with the wounded,
We're missing you.
Well I never claimed to understand
what happens after dark,
but my fingers catch the sparks
at the thought of touching you,
When you're wounded
lemme break it down til I force the issue,
we miss your face and you know I wish you would
come back down to the Delva Bar
you tell em' ,"That's just my battle scar."
I wanna kiss you, and knock em down like we used to
you're a marigold
till you're walking down shaking that ass again,
then you walk on, baby, walk on, you walk on.
on and on
you're an angel in the pit with her hands in the air
and we're missing you.
Now it's fall and your shoulders get tighter
nervous flicks on your lighter...boots
your pissed off poets
your women's groups
and the friends with you we should've known this fool
well I guess we missed the mark,
still my fingers catch the sparks at the thought of
them touching you
now your wounded
Lemme break it down till I force the issue
you never come around and you know we miss you
WELL NOBODY TOOK YOUR PRIDE AWAY
I SAID "THAT'S SOMETHING PEOPLE SAY."
BACK DOWN THE BULLY TO THE BACK OF THE BUS,
'CAUSE IT'S TIME FOR THEM TO BE SCARED OF US
till you're yelling how we're living cause you got the ball
and then you rock on, baby, rock on, you rock on.
on and on.
you're a summertime hottie with her socks in the air,
you're screaming I dont care baby I dont care no
you say you dont know, you say here we go now,
all I know is we're missing you
you say you dont know, you say here we go now,
all I know is we're missing you
show up, show up wounded
show up, show up wounded
What The Hell--Avril Lavigne
You say that I'm messing with your head (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
All 'cause I was making out with your friends (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
LOVE HURTS WHETHER IT'S RIGHT OR WRONG (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
I can't stop 'cause I'm having too much fun (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
YOU'RE ON YOUR KNEES
BEGGING PLEASE
STAY WITH ME
BUT HONESTLY
I JUST NEED TO BE A LITTLE CRAZY
ALL MY LIFE I'VE BEEN GOOD BUT NOW WHOA I'M THINKING WHAT THE HELL
All I want is to mess around and I don't really care about
If you love me, if you hate me, you can't save me, baby, baby
All my life I've been good but now, whoa, what the hell
What... what... what... What the hell?
SO WHAT IF I GO OUT ON A MILLION DATES (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
YOU NEVER CALL OR LISTEN TO ME ANYWAY (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
I'D RATHER RAGE THAN SIT AROUND AND WAIT ALL DAY (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
Don't get me wrong. I just need some time to play-ay (yeah)
You're on your knees
Begging please
Stay with me
But honestly
I just need to be a little crazy
All my life I've been good but now, whoa I'm thinking what the hell
All I want is to mess around and I don't really care about
If you love me, if you hate me
You can't save me, baby, baby
All my life I've been good but now, whoa, what the hell
La la la la la la la la... Woah... Woah...
La la la la la la la la... Woah... Woah...
You say that I'm messing with your head
Boy, I like messing in your bed
Yeah, I am messing with your head
When I'm messing with you in bed
All my life I've been good but now, whoa I'm thinking what the hell (what the hell)
All I want is to mess around and I don't really care about (I don't care about)
All my life I've been good but now, whoa I'm thinking what the hell
All I want is to mess around and I don't really care about. (if you love me)
If you love me (no), if you hate me (no)
You can't save me, baby, baby (if you love me)
ALL MY LIFE I'VE BEEN GOOD BUT NOW WHOOOOOOA WHAT THE HELL!
La la, La la la la la la, La la, La la la la la la la
King of Anything--Sara Bareilles (I think this is my new theme song...seriously)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Keep drinkin' coffee
Stare me down across the table
While I look outside
So many things I'd say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet
And count the cars that pass by
You've got opinions, man
We're all entitled to 'em
But I never asked
So let me thank you for your time
And try to not waste any more of mine
Get out of here fast
I hate to break it to you babe
But I'm not drowning
There's no one here to save
Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything?
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
You sound so innocent
All full of good intent
You swear you know best
But you expect me to
Jump up on board with you
Ride off into your delusional sunset
I'm not the one who's lost
With no direction oh
But you won't ever see
You're so busy makin' maps
With my name on them in all caps
You got the talkin' down
Just not the listening
And who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything?
All my life
I've tried
To make everybody happy while I
Just hurt
And hide
Waitin' for someone to tell me it's my turn
To decide
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything?
Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything?
Let me hold your crown, babe
Oh oh
Ah
Little Miss--Sugarland
Little Miss Down On Love
Little Miss I Give Up
Little Miss I'LL GET TOUGH
DON'T YOU WORRY 'BOUT ME ANYMORE
Little Miss Checkered Dress
Little Miss One Big Mess
Little Miss I'LL TAKE LESS
WHEN I ALWAYS GIVE SO MUCH MORE
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Yeah, SOMETIMES YA GOTTA LOSE 'TIL YOU WIN
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
IT'LL BE ALRIGHT AGAIN
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
(Okay)
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
Little Miss Do Your Best
Little Miss Never Rest
Little Miss Be My Guest
I'll Make More Anytime That It Runs Out
Little Miss You'll Go Far
Little Miss Hide Your Scars
Little Miss Who You Are
Is So Much More Than You Like To Talk About
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
And it'll be alright again
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
(Okay)
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
Oh, Lord
Oh, and you are loved
Are loved
Little Miss Brand New Start
Little Miss Do Your Part
Little Miss Big Ol' Heart Beats Wide Open
She's ready now for love
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Well, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
It'll be alright again
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
(Okay)
It'll be alright again, I'M OKAY
IT'LL BE ALRIGHT AGAIN
Imperfection--Saving Jane
MY HAIR'S A WRECK
Mascara runs
MY FEET GET DIRTY
AND MY SKIN BURNS IN THE SUN.
My lips they bleed
But I still sing my songs.
TAKES ME A MINUTE
TO ADMIT IT WHEN I'M WRONG.
Pretty is as pretty does,
BUT PRETTY'S NOT MY THING.
THIS IS WHAT YOU GET!
THIS IS WHO I AM!
TAKE ME NOW OR LEAVE ME
ANY WAY YOU CAN.
SOMETIMES I TRIP AND FALL
BUT I KNOW WHERE I STAND.
AND IF YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT CHANGING MY DIRECTION,
DON'T MESS WITH IMPERFECTION.
MY BACK IS WEAK,
BUT MY WILL IS TRUE.
Got good intentions
But I never follow through.
I say too much,
And don't know when to leave.
IN CASE YOU'RE LOOKIN',
THAT'S MY HEART THERE ON MY SLEEVE.
Ego trips and stupid slip ups,
I'm a mess but
This is what you get.
This is who I am.
Take me now or leave me
Any way you can.
Sometimes I trip and fall
But I know where I stand.
And if you're thinking about changing my direction,
Don't mess with imperfection.
Scratched and bruised,
A little used,
But baby I work fine.
You might call me
Damaged goods,
But I'm one of a kind.
My hair's a wreck,
No I'm not perfect
But I'm not the only one.
This is what you get.
This is who I am.
Take me now or leave me
Any way you can.
Sometimes I trip and fall
But I know where I stand.
And if you're thinking about changing my direction,
Don't mess with imperfection.
This is who I am.
And if you're thinking about changing my direction,
Don't mess with imperfection.
You Don't Own Me--Lesley Gore
You don't own me, I'm not just one of your many toys
You don't own me, don't say I can't go with other boys
And don't tell me what to do
And don't tell me what to say
And please, when I go out with you
Don't put me on display, 'cause
You don't own me, don't try to change me in any way
You don't own me, don't tie me down 'cause I'd never stay
Oh, I don't tell you what to say
I don't tell you what to do
So just let me be myself
That's all I ask of you
I'm young and I love to be young
I'm free and I love to be free
To live my life the way I want
To say and do whatever I please
A-a-a-nd don't tell me what to do
Oh-h-h-h don't tell me what to say
And please, when I go out with you
Don't put me on display
I don't tell you what to say
Oh-h-h-h don't tell you what to do
So just let me be myself
That's all I ask of you
I'm young and I love to be young
I'm free and I love to be free
To live my life the way I want
Freak The Freak Out--Victoria Justice
Are you listening, hear me talk, hear me sing
Open up the door, easy less, easy more
When you tell me to beware, are you here, are you there
Is there something I should know, easy come, easy go
Out of your head, don't hear a word I said
I can't communicate when you wait, don't relate
I try to talk to you, but you never even knew
So what's it gonna be, tell me, can you hear me
I'm so sick of it, your attention defecit,
Never listen, you never listen
I'm so sick of it, go and throw another fit
Never listen, you never listen
CHORUS:
I scream your name, It always stays the same
I scream and shout
So what I'm gonna do now is freak the freak out
Whoa oh (4x)
Easy come easy go
(can you hear me?)
CHORUS:
I scream your name, It always stays the same
I scream and shout
So what I'm gonna do now is freak the freak out
Whoa oh (4x)
I scream your name, but you never listen
But you never listen
But you never listen....
According To You--Orianthi (yyyyeaaah)
According to you
I’m stupid,
I’m useless,
I can’t do anything right.
According to you
I’m difficult,
hard to please,
forever changing my mind.
I’m a mess in a dress,
can’t show up on time,
even if it would save my life.
According to you. According to you.
But according to him
I’m beautiful,
incredible,
he can’t get me out of his head.
According to him
I’m funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don’t feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He’s into me for everything I’m not,
according to you.
According to you
I’m boring,
I’m moody,
and you can’t take me any place.
According to you
I suck at telling jokes cause I always give it away.
I’m the girl with the worst attention span;
you’re the boy who puts up with that.
According to you. According to you.
But according to him
I’m beautiful,
incredible,
he can’t get me out of his head.
According to him
I’m funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don’t feel like stopping that,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He’s into me for everything I’m not,
according to you.
I need to feel appreciated,
like I’m not hated. Oh no
Why can’t you see me through his eyes?
It’s too bad you’re making me decide
But according to me
you’re stupid,
you’re useless,
you can’t do anything right.
But according to him
I’m beautiful,
incredible,
he can’t get me out of his head.
According to him
I’m funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don’t feel like stopping it,
baby tell me what I got to lose.
He’s into me for everything I’m not,
according to you. [you, you]
According to you. [you, you]
According to you
I’m stupid,
I’m useless,
I can't do anything right....
See?
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