Girls: A Guidebook For Guys

Seriously.....I'm thinking this needs to be made. Because all I've been hearing lately is, "I don't know how to talk to girls" or "I'm not good at this [this being relationships]" or "Girls ask where all the nice guys are and then they don't want me even though I'm a nice guyyyyyy."

Seriously guys. Stop whining.

Here is your guide to girls written by a girl. Although, I carry this warning: These are just some specific things. Sometimes those of my gender confuse the hell out of me too.

Lesson One: Girls Talk

When you start sending us horrible music videos and tell us it's your favorite band ever or say reaaaaaally awkward things to us in an attempt to be flirty......chances are, we're already copy and pasting it to our best friend. Usually to ask "How the hell do I respond to this??!" but there are the occasions where "What the hell? lmao" is more common.

You can't just tell us something like that and expect us to keep it in confidence. Unless you've seriously told us something that is specified as delicate or secret, we're going to share the rest with our female friends. And maybe even close male ones.

This is just a fact. Keep it in mind.

Lesson Two: When a Girl Says No, It Means NO

This is true for everything. If we say no to a) a night watching football, b) entering a mud wrestling competition, c) letting you stick your car in our exit only, or d) going out on a date with you in the first place.......we generally mean it. No. N-O.

Seriously.

We're not being cute or playing hard to get or just taking time to think about it. If it's a no, it's a damn no. Get over it.

Third Lesson: Take the Hint


See that girl there quietly sitting at her desk or over on that bench eating her lunch? She's obviously entirely engrossed in her noodles. So why is it that you insist on coming over and yapping at her?

Do you not see her eyes glazing over at your voice or the way she is pointedly ignoring you?

This is the key moment to read her body language and excuse yourself. Not internally freak out and try to backtrack and talk even more out of nerves or avoiding awkwardness.

It was already awkward from the moment you opened your mouth. Give it up. 

Fourth Lesson: You Are Not Her Mother

Stop asking for every single detail of our day. Stop checking in every hour upon the hour. Stop asking for everything we're up to or will be up to on a daily basis. Especially if you are not romantically involved.

This is why we moved out on our own. 

Fifth Lesson: If She's Drunk and Being Friendlier With You Than Normal, This Means Nothing

She is three sheets to the wind and going down. This is not the time to start raising your mainsail, sir.

Seriously. Don't get too excited. Alcohol lowers your inhibitions and makes you act a little more .....free with your personality.

If she's being friendlier than usual, it's a 98% chance that she's being friendly with EVERYONE ELSE. 
She's hitting on all of her close friends, despite the fact she is definitely straight. 
She's flashing strangers in Spain on Chatroulette. 
She just gave her ex a lapdance.

Dude.....you're not special tonight.

Sorry to be blunt, but that's kinda how it is. Sorry to disappoint but if she's not flirting or showing that kind of body language or giving you special attention the rest of the time........she's just not that into you.

Think about this: Have you ever been friendlier than normal while under the influence? Did you ever accidentally give someone the wrong idea?

This is exactly the same thing. Guys also get friendlier than they would be on a normal basis. That's just how it goes.

That, my friend, is the wonder of tequila.

Lesson Six: Dance Dance Revulsion

There's a bunch of girls out at the night club. They're dancing around in a circle, having a lot of fun.

What exactly possesses you to stare at one girl creepily for 5 minutes and then haul her by the waist to you and grind your erection against her butt?

Really? REALLY? Was she asking you to dance with her? Was she flirting with you? Or was she just out for a night of fun with her friends and you just made yourself at home?

If she's wide-eyed and mouthing "help me!" to her friends, this is a clear indication you are not wanted. Start acting like a gentlemen and think about her, instead of how much you want to get laid tonight.

And also, see above: No means no.

Stay classy, guys.

 property of Lauren Faust ^_^ (I just love Spike's  many faces)