How A Single Girl Celebrates Valentine's Day

Wake up in the morning.....totally not feeling like P Diddy.

Shut off the sounds of Avril screaming about having a bad reputation on your phone.

Blink a few times. Let your eyes focus on the date and time on the screen.

Curse and grumble to yourself.

Check Facebook. Scroll through the newsfeed. Torture yourself by checking your friend's profile and his newly confirmed relationship status.

Grumble some more.

Check your notifications. Laugh at messages from your best friends. Smile at a valentine you were tagged in by a friend. Comment. Like. Check your messages. Message back and forth with a friend. Check newsfeed again. Ditto notifications.

Remind yourself to not ruin other people's day with your own discontent. Its just another day, after all.

Sigh. Hide under covers.

Lean over to flick lava lamp off. Sit up and get out of bed. Talk to yourself, words that are half reprimanding and half pep talk. "Well, that's quite enough time spent feeling sorry for myself."

Grab clothes, some of your favorites that you set out specifically for today. Go to the bathroom. Take a long, hot, shower. Debate singing. Decide you don't much feel like it. Talk to yourself instead.

Dry your hair and wonder whether you should be concerned about the amount of talking you've been doing to yourself today.

Put hair up. Put jewelry on. Wonder why you're even bothering.

Check the To Do list you made for yourself. Make a face.

Pet your sleeping cat on the way to the kitchen. Grab laptop and turn it on. Torture yourself further on Facebook. Tear up. Shake your head, suck it up and open Youtube. Listen to def jam poetry as you make brunch.

Open fridge. Open cabinets. Stare at stove. Make another face. Debate how early in the day it is socially acceptable to start drinking.

Make really sweet tea instead. Make oatmeal. Load it with maple syrup and brown sugar. Throw in some raisins, so it at least resembles a healthy breakfast choice again.

Eat while watching more poetry. Nearly spray oatmeal everywhere while laughing at one performance. Wonder if that's a contributing factor as to why you are single. Shake it off. Decide to use that in a possible future poem.

Go into bathroom to practice your own performance poem that you finally memorized. Check your body language. Adjust it. Check your volume. Decide the acoustics are not the best in there. Continue anyway. Get all the way through the poem. Do a truly embarrassing victory dance.

Glance at reflection in bathroom mirror. Blink. Realize you look pretty damn hot. Decide any man's a moron who does not want to be with your sweet ass. Walk tall out of the bathroom.

Answer texts. Find valentine and chocolate from parents. Read card. Smile. Talk to a friend about many things, good and bad. Talk about plans. Actually feel excited about something. Laugh a hell of a lot.

Think about driving. Look at clock. Debate. Throw envelopes and deposit slip into bag. Debate again. Glare at To Do list. Move today's errands to the Wednesday section. Smile smugly at To Do list.

Begin making list of things to pack for Bonaroo. Begin making list of ways to make money for Bonaroo. Debate over old schoolbooks you no longer want. Start an ebay account to sell books. Look into selling them.

Get distracted by Twitter. Tweet something. Get distracted by all of the tweets from The Bloggess. Search for people on Twitter. Think about how creeped out celebrities might feel being followed by random fans. Wonder if you'll keep your Twitter when you're a famous author.

Get distracted by Ellen Degeneres tweets. Get distracted by Sophia Grace and Rosie videos on Youtube. Go back to Inforoo and your packing list. Get introduced to Flogging Molly. Squeal like a little girl. Debate whether you like them better than Dropkick. Decide that that's impossible to decide as they're both amazing.

Go back to ebay. Go through inventory of things to sell. Calculate bank account in head. Check job updates. Try to avoid looking at Facebook. Start eating chocolate.

Have an extremely awkward conversation with a guy in a call center who really wants to help you further your education. Try to explain you've already furthered your education. Have that be ignored. Listen. Finally hang up before collapsing into random hysterical laughter.

Tell friend about crazy call. Look at clock. Realize you have 2 minutes till the time you were supposed to pick up your mother at work. Swear. Run around, throwing dirty dishes into sink, grabbing mail and sorting it, getting bag, pulling jacket out of closet.

Tell friend you've gotta go. Run around some more, looking for hat and gloves. Find gloves. Decide that regular hat isn't going to cut it. Dump extra scarf and hat on sleeping cat. Get glared at by cat before he goes back to sleep.

Put on frog hat because it's nearly impossible to be sad while wearing it. Look for keys. Find keys. Almost lose gloves. Find them again.

Run outside. Get in car. Start it. Almost panic about backing out of driveway. Kick self mentally for being idiotic. Remember which way to turn the wheel to go in reverse. Successfully drive through town.

Give weird looks to the people passing by who are giving you weird looks. Realize it's probably because of your fabulous frog hat. Decide again that you really need to get the hell out of this town. Smile energetically and wide eyed at everyone passing by. Hope you made them uncomfortable. Wonder if that's immature. Decide you don't really give a damn. Laugh to yourself.

Remember your music when you're almost there. Sing along to Hands Clean. Pick up Mumsy. Answer call from Daddio (while parked, no worries!)

Drive back while chatting with mother. Get stuck in traffic. Get excited about being stuck in traffic for the first time. Get honked at. Make unsavory insinuations about the honker's parentage and intelligence. Finally arrive home.

Remind your mother that you promised to make dinner tonight. Decide what to make for dinner. Empty dishwasher. Begin to fill it again. Gather ingredients. Check clock. Set table. Check clock again. Start dinner.

Wash dishes. Suddenly find yourself singing. Realize you've just sang Killing Me Softly, You Were Meant For Me and Hands one after another. Decide to stop singing so as to not make your mother worry.

Work on dinner. Find yourself humming A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes. Feel instantly better.

Check Facebook. Find yourself on Yahoo Answers. See that no one answered your question. Click over to other people's questions. Scroll through. Find a sad sounding question in the adolescent section. Read it. Get reminded of your own love life in high school. Feel sorry for the kid. Decide to help her. Answer to the best of your ability.

Remember the dinner that you now hear boiling away. Race back to turn temperature down. Check clock. Begin talking to yourself again about everything you have to do. Hear Daddio arrive home. Race around finishing dinner.

Sit down. Get praised over everything that was made. Feel extremely pleased with self. After dinner, show parents the adorable video Google did. Share a funny slam love poem with them. Eat quite possibly the best chocolate cheesecake ever, by Mumsy.

Check email. See that the girl whose question you answered has thanked you and said yours was the most helpful of the answers she received. Feel really happy about helping someone.

Decide the best way to celebrate today is by spreading love via the internet. Go back to Yahoo Answers. Scroll through questions. Answer some more questions on relationships, psychology, books, and anime.

Gossip with a friend. Watch Stargate with Mumsy. Drool over Dr. Daniel Jackson. Realize the similarity to Milo Thatch from Atlantis. Laugh hysterically.

Decide to write a blog about today. Debate over what to say.....and then decide to write a really insanely long blog recounting the entire day. Start typing. Turn on Pandora. See that Yanni comes up. Try to remember when the hell you added Yanni radio. Notice an add for Love Stinks radio.

Turn that on. Find yourself listening to an insane collection of oldies, with some Ting Tings and Maroon 5 thrown in. Continue writing blog. Pause to play air guitar to You Give Love a Bad Name. Realize you haven't ingested anything alcoholic all day and that there are only two empty spaces in your chocolate box.

Blink a few times. Feel a little pleased. See.....it was just another day. And it wasn't even that bad of a day. Rock out to The Supremes and The Clash.

Finish blog, knowing that tomorrow is another day. And it's going to be fabulous.

And maybe, just maybe, I will wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy.

Lessons Learned

"I realized my main issue while listening to Coldplay.

Chris Martin was singing about the stars being all yellow and I had realized that I wanted out of my own life. Not in a suicide kind of way. More like, a everyone-leave-me-alone, burning-bridges kind of way.

I was overloaded by everything they wanted from me. Give, take, want. What the hell was I? A plate of cookies? They consumed me, every bit of me until I was mere bone. I stared at my skeleton self in the mirror, noticing each crack in my structure, wondering whose hit had caused which scar.

And all the time my inner radio played on and on. I had 8 easy steps for letting go of all of this shit; I had torn myself open again and again. Nothing changed. Nothing got better. I was overloaded.

How can you go through the days and let everyone take a piece of you away? You were once a great monument of strength. Days went by and the rain stained your stones grey, left leaks in your roof. Weeds choked the ground around you. And as time went by, everyone came and took your stones away, bit by bit for their own use. A place of comfort, a bridge, a fortress. And then you looked down and realized you were crumbling. Your foundation was giving way....you were leaning too far over, about to fall.

But you pretended like you meant to do that. And so no one offered you any support. Because you were so good at pretending.

They destroyed your own emotions so all you could feel was theirs. They left you open, stranded, too empathetic to break away.

Or maybe that's just me. The oversensitive one. The one who always gets too much. I know so much it makes my head throb every night. I feel so much that I'm numb from a continuous overload. The system can't compute. Error, error. Reboot.

Reboot my life. How did it get to this point? Where everyone says they care but then they always want something. Expect everything. They come with hands outstretched and what am I to do then? Tears in eyes--do I turn them away?

I can't.

I can't on principle, on moral, on the fact that I care too damn much for my own capacity. Draining me. Every last drop. The modern day vampires do not feast on blood but on emotion. Empathy. Sympathy.

Fuck my life."

I wrote the above rant almost two years ago. I never realized what a dark place I was in at the time. Last fall, I reached new levels of an all out low......so low I forgot about this previous struggle.

Since I seem to be on a reflecting on growth kick lately, I figured maybe this was something to talk about. I found this tonight when I was looking through old journals. I remember the exact moment of writing this. I'd escaped my room, armed with the green composition notebook, a blue pen, and my ipod I settled in the darkest corner I could find in the atrium of my dorm. I listened to only the most emotional songs that came up on shuffle, feeling sorry for myself as I scribbled as fast as I could.

I don't remember what drove me there....an argument with my then best friend? Another argument with my then fiancee? Or quite possibly, around the time I was told, in no uncertain terms that I would have to choose between the two?

I don't remember. But I do remember that action of writing. I remember the small feeling of relief after I got all of those horrible words out of me.

It was everything I'd been wanting to say but couldn't. Everything I felt like I couldn't say because it would hurt people. Because maybe I was being selfish and too sensitive. Maybe I was a weakling who couldn't handle this. I just needed to be stronger. If I spoke up, I made myself sound like a martyr.

That's not what I wanted to be. So I'd keep quiet. I can handle so much more.

That was my mantra back then. Avoid trouble at all costs. Sweep real issues under the rug. Life was easier that way, and at least if you did that, people still had your back. But I was lying to myself because the people who I thought had my back were, in fact, breaking it.

But I've learned. I learned to tell the truth. I learned to admit when something's bothering me. I learned to tell the people closest to me how I really feel. I've learned that true friends expect nothing from you and all they want is your friendship. And I learned that it's not selfish to want time to yourself, to want to step back, to need to do things only for you.

And it's okay to ask for help. This is not a weakness. This is not a sign that you're broken or a weakling or messed up. It just means that you can't handle everything on your own. And that's okay. Burdens are hard to carry by yourself. This is what Bill Withers was talking about when he wrote Lean On Me.

Please swallow your pride
If I have things
You need to borrow

For no one can fill
Those of your needs
That you won't let show

You just call on me brother
When you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on

I just might have a problem
That you'll understand
We all need somebody to lean on

I'm still learning how to appreciate this. Another sign that you keep learning lessons, no matter how long you've been out of school.

Life Is a Highway.....So Get Ready to Be Ridden

I got a car.

Which actually means this: My parents very generously took me to buy a car as a late graduation present. While this leaves me both extremely grateful and extremely worried about any possible Silver-Spoon-In-Mouth comments (anyone does that I'll show them my bank account......I may have just been given a car but I certainly don't get a 100 bucks a week allowance from dearest Mummy and Father), I have a bigger concern in my mind.

Actually driving the damn thing.

There is a saying that "People who can't do, teach." I think this should be followed up with "People who can't drive, walk." Which has been my mode of getting around for months.

When I was in high school, there was no point in getting a licence. At least this was what I told myself at the time. I assumed that from all the saving in preparation for college tuition, there was no way in hell I was getting a car. Especially since I didn't have a job. And really, who wants to drive around in their mother's Ford Windstar? My classmates may have driven through town in muddy rigs on tractor wheels with a rebel flag sticker in the back window (Note: this is about as far above the Mason-Dixon line as you can go without a passport handy) but still....

Driving in a minivan? Talk about lame. I didn't want to be lame. I just wanted to survive high school without drawing attention to myself.

Senior year, I acquired a boyfriend who -HALLELUJAH!- had a car. And still had a car (about 4 or 5 different ones) in the four years we were necking. With the dissolution of our relationship on highly volatile terms, there also went another excuse for not needing a licence yet.

But I was still in college. Who really needed a car in college? I'd just get picked up by my parents on weekends or catch a ride into town with friends. They all liked to drive.

Note: hiding behind another excuse.

Graduation came and went. And guess who is now feeling like a supreme bum for having to mooch rides off of family members or friends breezing through the area? Guess who feels like the lamest 23 year old ever? Guess who is losing her mind over loneliness because of the inability to visit her dearly beloved friends, most of whom are scattered across New England? That would be this kid.

So, after having the seventh in a long line of emotional breakdowns since graduating in May, I made a decision. Well, I made several decisions that mopey and drunken night.....but the one relevant to this is: I will stop being a chicken shit and just get my godforsaken licence already.

The problem with that is....frankly, I'm a shitty driver.

For example:

1) I sometimes forget to hit the turn signal when I merge onto the highway because I'm freaking out about getting there in time without hitting anyone.

2) Similarly, when I do use the turn signal, if the wheel does not click it off, I forget to actually turn it off afterwards so I end up driving along like one of those old [insert own ethnicity here] grandmothers that comedians are always going on and on about.

3) I don't judge distance quite well. Whether this says something about my a) eyesight, b) depth perception or c) math skills, it is clear that this is not safe. Especially considering that this inability has already caused one minor accident. Which I will come back to.

4) I sometimes forget that I am driving. I don't mean this in some kind of heartbreaking but slightly amusing senile way, where I start talking about my cat and then take my foot of the gas and slowly coast to a stop in the middle of the street and proceed to abandon my vehicle to go in search of dear Mr. Mittens or whatever. I mean, I forget that I'm driving in a very alarming way which involves tuning the stereo or glancing at some landmark and then having the car turn subconsciously in that direction. Or that my brain, which should be entirely full of traffic laws and observance, starts going off into ideas for future blogs, plotting how to meet and hug David Tennant without freaking the poor man out, or daydreaming about...well....boys. All of which are very distracting lines of thought. And then the next thing you know my poor mother is yelling about me not watching out for that pedestrian on the curb. (Clearly, Ma, they were not about to enter the road. They saw me breeze by and jumped back like I poked them with a cow-prod. That'll teach them to keep looking both ways).

5) I suck at reverse. Seriously. Backing up is not a good thing at all considering I can't always remember which way to turn the wheel. I was never one of those kids that needed to be reminded which hand was left and which was right but somehow at adulthood, I've been reduced to holding my palms up in front of my face and going "Wait.....now which one is the right again?"

6) Don't even ask me to try parallel parking.

7) What's a 3-point turn again?

8) Exactly 15 minutes after I got my car.....I hit another car in a parking lot. See, my parents thought it would be a great idea to have me drive my new car home right after we got it. However, they then decided to stop at Hannaford's on the way. And I had to park in a small space which I instinctively knew was not enough room for me but upon the instruction of my father, I went ahead anyway. And bumped into the other car. Thankfully it wasn't that big of a deal but still. And then after the store, I pulled out into an intersection and nearly got into another accident because another car didn't stop. First day with new car= insanity. (Not forgetting the part where I was so flustered about the minor accident that I actually not only left my car unlocked but also forget the keys IN the ignition. I might as well have just posted a giant sign that screamed "EASY STEAL!")

9) I've also hit our garage door. Twice. Both times making the same mistake. I got pissed at my mother and hit the gas instead of the brake. Sad and frightening.

Despite that drunken decision, I'd pretty much come to the conclusion that I'm just no good at this. The idea of me driving without someone in the car telling me to watch out is scary. Sometimes I just don't pay attention. Or I get distracted. And I'm legitimately terrified about having other people's lives in my hands, those both in and out of my car. I'm scared I'm going to mess up again, only next time I'll have hurt someone. Or killed them. A car's a weapon, if you think about it.

On the other hand, I can't be dependent on others my entire life. It's not fair to them and not to myself either. But there is so much terror involved here......

My best friends still listen to my negative prattle and put up with it. And the other night when I was being negative yet again about driving and the fact that I suck at it, both informed me to SHUT UP.

Harsh.....but exactly what I needed. And what proceeded was one of my friends gently knocking some sense into me.

He asked, rather bluntly, "So what makes you think you're not good enough?"
And he, frankly, wouldn't let it go. I did not really want to have that conversation because there were a lot of reasons. But....I went with the summarized answer: Because I mess up. A lot.
And cringed with the lame and emo-ness of the whole thing.

But he just answered with another question. "You have a bike?"

I blinked. Was he going to tell me to travel on bike instead? O_o "Yeah..."

"Okay....when you first rode it did you fall? Fail? Crash?"

"Yes." I was beginning to see where he was going with this but my negativity slipped through anyway. "A lot. I didn't learn until I was almost 10." And then nearly whacked my head against the desk because I couldn't believe I'd actually typed out let alone sent the last part. That was embarrassing and in fact something I hadn't really admitted.

"And do you ride your bike now and barely fall?" And he added, "Age doesn't matter."

So I agreed. I rarely fall now.

"Okay....so what does that tell you?"

At that moment, I felt kind of like a child telling my teacher the really easy and obvious moral to the story. Something I should have known but needed a little help seeing. A little slow.....but not stupid. Not judged. Just prompted.

"That if I keep trying I can do it eventually."

"Mmhmm. It's just like riding a bike or cooking. Get what I'm saying?"

"I think so. Everything takes practice."

"YES! And when you say you're not good enough you're going to think negatively and fail."

And something happened in that moment. Not quite confidence but...determination happened. Because my friend's right. The reason I mess up the most is because I tell myself I can't do things. Or I let someone else tell me that. But the negative people aren't worth listening to and neither is that little negative voice in my head. These are things I know already.....but sometimes need reminding by my ever so patient friends.

So....I wrote this blog not only to express my fear of driving but to look at those stupid little mistakes and just laugh at them. Because they're funny. And not really as horrible as I've worked them up to be.

All I need is practice and everything's going to be fine. As nervous a driver as I am now, I will get better because I can and because there are people who believe in me. And maybe it's about time I start believing in myself.

So...don't forget your seatbelt. And look out for me on the road. I'll be looking out for you.

Cautionary Tales: Morals and Such From Elders

The holiday season is coming to an end and I'm sure most of you have been with family for x amount of time. Too little...too much....or just enough to remind you of why you don't live at home anymore. Time with family inevitably means telling them a little about what's going on in your life and then listening to their opinions on your living situation, job, significant other or lack thereof.

At some point in the visit, conversations are going to turn to the topic of, well, you. The biggest piece of advice I could give any of you, would be to either be really vague or completely make facts up. Maybe this is the coward's way out....but if you tend to second-guess yourself a lot like I do, this might be the wiser alternative.

I'll start out by saying: I love my family. And I know they love me. This is not an attack on them. I just find myself drained and frustrated after being around them lately. I think the problem with families is....everyone's in everyone else's business. If you don't want to discuss something, well why? We're all family here.....there's no secrets here. I think of my family like a cross between My Big Fat Greek Wedding and Everybody Loves Raymond. If you get the references, than you know what I'm talking about.

Whenever we meet up, there's the standard questions:

Q. "How's the job search going?/You find a job yet?" and other variations on that question.

A. "Awful" and "nope." (I'm looking elsewhere now because this town's a dead end.)

Q. "So did you and that boy break up?"

A. "Yeah a few months ago." (Thanks for bringing it up.)

Q. "Well isn't that for the best? He was kind of a rebound."

A. "......." (I'm not even going to honor that with a response.This is about the time where I start thinking about how much I could use some vodka.)

Q. "Do you hear from your other ex anymore?"

A. "Not a peep." (Great...now we're stuck on the subject of my love life failures huh?)

"Well I'm so glad you woke up and listened to us about him."

"....Yeah." (Actually, I'll take anything alcoholic.)

Q. "What have you been up to?"

A. "Writing. Hanging out. Job searching." (Wallowing in self pity. Fighting depression and anxiety. Healing. You know.....the usual.)

Q. "What have you been writing?"

A. "Poetry to submit to magazines." (Also, performance poetry that you won't like because some of it's about you. Blogs so maybe I can help someone else....which you also won't like. Because some of them are about you.)

And it goes on from there.

See, I was vague. I bit my tongue. I smiled and nodded. I left it to bare facts and did not embellish. It's like trading a technical manual for your usual novel of life stories. I've learned to do this after the realization that I was upset after every well-meaning comment. Sometimes, family just doesn't understand that you're not a child anymore. Sometimes, they don't realize you're not looking for advice or a kick in the pants. You're learning to live on your own terms and all you'd like is their support.

Their, preferably silent, support.

Other than the questions, you've got the never-ending advice they need to bestow on you. My grandmother in particular always likes to bring up is what I like to call her Cautionary Tales. These are an endless supply of stories she keeps in her head of people she knew or things she saw on the news or Dateline. Stories that are meant to discourage the listener from doing what they were thinking about doing.

I wanted to go out of the country as a teenager. I got stories about young girls brutally murdered on vacation, even though they were supposed to be safe with chaperones. And what about our old priest that was mugged in broad daylight?

I was going on a trip to NYC with my class in high school. She had a story about that too, cautioning me to listen to my teacher at all times. And to not go along with any plans my best friend had because there was a story about good girls who listened to their best friends and went off from their group and then ended up in deep trouble.

I mentioned an interest in moving to Massachusetts. She had stories about why this was a bad idea, that young women shouldn't live on their own. They couldn't defend themselves if a man wanted in their apartment. What if the roommate brought in someone unsavory? She'd heard stories about that. She knew a girl who was really trusting and ran into trouble there.

Recently, I made the mistake of telling her I was hoping that someday my friend and I would have another chance at romance. That maybe after time and people and whatnot, a little twist of fate would happen. She had a story for that too. A close cousin of hers, who'd been with a guy and then they broke up. A year later they were together again and this time got married. And then he abandoned her with a child. And she cut off all communication from the rest of her family and no one heard from her for years until one day, her neighbors smelled her from down the hall.

The moral: Don't ever get back together with someone. They'll leave you and you'll die alone.

I'm beginning to think she made a lot of these stories up. Except for the one about the girls in another country. I saw that on the news.

But I realized after this last morsel, that all of her stories end the same way. Someone was trying to be adventurous, following their heart, taking chances and risks, trying to spread their wings or experience life. And then they ended up dead.

I'm beginning to see the similarity between my grandmother's Cautionary Tales and those fairy tales of old, where adults frightened children into staying home their entire life because the world was a terrifying place. Don't be adventurous or you'll end up almost eaten by a wild animal.

My entire life I've been so curious but too terrified to have adventures. I dreamed about having them. But I still found myself standing at the edge of my grandparent's property and staring across the wall into forbidden lands. Where I wasn't allowed to go.

Granted, that would have been trespassing. But I couldn't even let myself walk down their road and back. I used to play this game when I was a teenager, pushing my boundaries. I'd slowly and carefully walk slightly down the road, just to a cluster of trees at the edge of their yard. I'd pick up a rock from the ditch and chuck it across the road at the stop sign until it struck and made a loud clang. And then I'd run like hell back to their driveway again.

Rebellious, I know.

But I remember the anxiety coursing through me as I took those steps off where I was allowed to be. My palms were sweaty, my knees were weak, my head was screaming that I was going to get yelled at. Someone would hit me with their car. A van would show up and men in black masks would kidnap me. Something horrible would happen because I dared to be the tiniest bit adventurous.

And looking back on that now.....I find it rather sad. And explaining a hell of a lot about why I am the way I am. I've been raised on cautionary tales so the idea of going out on my own.....following my heart but having no real plan.....living life on my own terms......well, it sends me right into a panic attack.

But that's not how it should be. That's not how life should be. No one should be crippled by the fear of living their life.

This is what I've been learning in the past year, after a lot of reflection, analyzation and discussion with friends. You can't live your life afraid. You also can't live your life according to someone else. It's okay to be terrified.....but you gotta have the courage to do what you want anyway. Meg Cabot wrote that "Being brave is when you have to do something because you know it is right, but at the same time, you are afraid to do it, because it might hurt or whatever. But you do it anyway."

I'm telling you all: Do it anyway. Whatever it is. Moving to a new town. Writing a novel. Auditioning for a play. Trying out for cheerleading. Joining a gym. Telling the one you love, that you love them. Standing up to a bully. Visiting a distant land. Bringing down your personal demons.

You can do it. Despite the fear and the doubts and whatever people may have been telling you. You CAN do it. You are not going to become another Cautionary Tale. You are going to become an inspiring story. A goddamn legend.

And so am I.

The New Year's Resolution: A Reflection

At the end of December, millions of people sit down and make lists of resolutions for the upcoming year. And within a month, most of them give up on completing any goals.

I have always been one of those people. My past lists included often times speaking more (since I'm pretty shy) or getting at least one piece of work published (but I couldn't make myself send anything out). Be braver, be louder, be something else.

They change a little bit over the years but not by much. For example:

EXHIBIT A: My New Fearful Fabulous New Year's Resolutions for 2006:
1) Stop procrastinating
2) Not give up on ANYTHING
3) Pass ALL my classes
4) Be more assertive
5) Finish writing at least 2 of my stories
6) Show people I'm not as dumb as they might think
7) STOP being afraid of guys
8) Learn something new every day
9) Be myself NO MATTER WHAT
10) Show people my comic abilities (literary and otherwise)
11) Improve at dancing
12) STOP caring what other people think about me
13) Start believing in myself
14) Be more spontaneous
15) Stop being so shy and quiet
16) Take a chance on relationships
17) HAVE FUN! (as always)

EXHIBIT B: My Prettyful Awesome Fearful Fantabulastic New Year's Resolutions for 2007:
1) Stop procrastinating (I mean it this time)
2) Not give up on my dreams or anything
3) Pass all my classes AND Senior Project
4) Continue being assertive
5) Finish writing at least 2 stories
6) Study more
7) Challenge myself and my writing ability
8) Gain more faith
9) Be myself NO MATTER WHAT
10) Get better at golf
11) STOP chewing on my nails....pens...etc
12) Be a better friend
13) Start believing in myself
14) Stop being so scared
15) Stop being so shy sometimes
16) Open up more
17) Keep track of everyone once this school year's over
18) As always, HAVE FUN!


Notice the level of resolutions...notice even the sheer amount of them. Almost impossible to complete. And frankly....some of them were negative. I was making high goals for myself with no timeline or details, leaving me feeling guilty at the end of another year and having accomplished very little.

Last year, I had the best new years in my entire life. It was full of friends, tons of fun, lots o' love and ended with the realization that there were things in my life that I needed to fix. And I had the strength and the gumption to fix them.

In the midst of all this, I made yet another list of new years resolutions.

EXHIBIT C: New Year's Resolutions 2011
1) STOP BEING AFRAID
2) TAKE CHANCES
3) HUG AT LEAST ONE PERSON EVERY DAY
4) Read more
5) Be more active
6) Go outside more
7) Stop having secrets
8) HAVE FUN
9) Get at least one thing published
10) Listen to my intuition
11) Be a better friend
12) Do at least one thing on my Bucket List

Note.....The list is shorter.....more conceivable. More possible. And not really as negative. I was starting to make goals of things that would make me happier as a person and help me be the person I wanted to be.

And....thinking back over this year.....I did accomplish a lot on that list. I took leaps and bounds from being the uncertain submissive girl I'd always been to the strong woman who knows what she wants.

I haven't really stopped being afraid. I am the cowardly lion. But even the cowardly lion receives some Courage. Mark Twain once said that "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear--not absence of fear." So...I can still be afraid and be courageous. Being courageous means standing up to that fear, looking it in the eye, and telling it to go fuck itself. And then going ahead with what you want and need to do, despite that fear. I'm scared of damn near everything, but this year, I've been the bravest I've ever been.

For example, I finally conquered my fear of public speaking.
I burned two bridges to my past because I was sick and tired of being abused by people who I thought loved me.
I put myself out there and pursued a boy, despite the fact that I was scared of rejection or that it could ruin our friendship or that he would ultimately hurt me.
I laid all my cards on the table at the end of that relationship and said everything I felt.
And I never gave up, even when I felt I should.
I let the people in my life know what I thought and how I felt, despite fear of their reactions.

I'm still crippled by anxiety and and the fear of not being good enough but by god, I'm brave.

I took chances and risks: for love, for friendship, for dreams, for myself.

I had a lot of fun, in between all of the sadness and bullshit. I was more open with hugging (since the old me hated hugging people I didn't know that well). I read a lot. I did more, I went out in nature and enjoyed it and felt a connection. I started telling the people close to me my secrets. I listened to my intuition.....even when I wasn't sure whether it was truly my gut speaking or just what I hoped for.

And I was taught my biggest lessons this year by my three best friends. They were the catalyst for finding the strength in myself I wasn't sure I had, for seeing that life is meant to be enjoyed, for realizing my own self-worth and for not giving up or settling. They have taught me what true friendship is.

This year has been a journey....one that's not over yet. There's a really long road ahead.....and that's okay. It's more than okay. It's wonderful.

And no matter what happens, everything is going to be okay. So my resolutions this year are all about being happier and living life to the fullest degrees possible.

And if I don't accomplish them all..... at least I tried.


Resolutions for 2012:
1) Do not give up on dreams
2) Learn a new thing every day
3) Be spontaneous
4) Love a whole lot
5) Do at least one thing on bucket list
6) Write. Something. Anything. Everything
7) Trust myself
8) Have fun!

The Truth About Anxiety

I'm a basketcase.

At least, that's what I tell myself on nights like this where it's almost 2 in the morning and I have a pounding headache and my stomach is tied up in fizzy knots.

This particular brand of unsettling insomnia is something that hits me when I have too much on my mind. Or some kind of emotional upheaval has occurred and I can no longer avoid dealing with it so it invades my brain until it's 5 in the morning and I'm crying into my stuffed elephant wondering why everything sucks.

Or end up watching reruns of Fresh Prince.

Sometimes I try to figure out what's wrong with me. This is a bad idea because if you're a hypochondriac like me, then there's about two hours spent on Web MD, followed by having a panic attack because I've managed to convince myself that I have an aneurysm. Or that my appendix is about to burst. Or that I've developed Diphtheria.

Lately, I've been reflecting on my mental health as well because frankly a lot of emotional shit has happened within the past year. And my fragile sense of normalcy and sanity shattered about the same time my heart did.

All emoness aside, I decided to diagnose myself online. Now, being a hypochondriac, I already freaked myself about about my mental and physical state back in 10th grade health class....and all those late night searches on Web MD. My search was actually more legitimate this time.

I'm already aware that I have anxiety. I've always been kinda on the nervous side my whole life; it just exploded due to stress my junior year of college. My main concern was the fact that it hasn't gotten any better. It has, in fact, gotten a lot worse. To the point where I have more panic attacks thinking I have some sort of disease. Or cannot eat because I might throw up because something upset me. Or not being able to sleep until I convince myself my heart won't stop. Or trying not to tweak out in front of strangers.

So....I sought out some answers. Do I really have such bad anxiety? How can I manage it? Am I going to be able to manage it without medication or a therapist?

The internet offers many lovely things......like, tests to find out how wacky you might be. It said that the test was in no way an actual diagnosis....but it was something to think about. So I took it.

My score was 39. The test scoring said "38 and above means you have severe anxiety." Well....that's great. Most of the symptoms that sounded pretty much like my life were under what's called General Anxiety Disorder.

1) Constant worries on your mind

2) Feeling like your anxiety is uncontrollable

3) Intrusive thoughts about things that make you nervous or upset

4) An inability to tolerate uncertainty

5) An intrusive feeling of apprehension

6) Inability to relax, enjoy quiet time or be by yourself

7) Difficulty concentrating or focusing on something

8) Putting things off because you feel overwhelmed

9) Avoiding situations that make you feel anxious

10) Feeling tense; muscles tightness or body aches

11) Having trouble falling asleep or staying asleep because you're mind will not stop

12) Feeling edgy or restless or jumpy

13) Stomach problems, nausea, diarrhea

I was like.....O_o no way.

And the article was like "Yes way, keep reading." Because they also talked about the anxiety in children.

• “What if” fears about situations far in the future
• Perfectionism, excessive self-criticism, and fear of making mistakes
• Feeling that they’re to blame for any disaster, and their worry will keep tragedy from occurring
• The conviction that misfortune is contagious and will happen to them
• Need for frequent reassurance and approval

And quite suddenly, it was clear that I have been anxious a lot longer than I thought. It was like all my childhood fears and worries were making sense.

But what can you do about it? Because frankly, this was becoming debilitating. To the point where I actually have to talk myself into walking out my front door just so I can walk to the bank. Or I feel like I'm going to throw up because something someone said or did....or didn't do ends up upsetting me greatly. Or I have severe meltdowns because I feel like I'm not good enough or I did something wrong or everything I touch is going to be destroyed.

This is not exactly normal. And I end most days feeling feeling frustrated with myself and utterly trapped.

So I found this great website that talks about anxiety, like all the different kinds and what causes them. This link is where I found all my information: http://helpguide.org/mental/generalized_anxiety_disorder.htm

It seems pretty legit, thought of course, it's right in saying that the site is helpful, but actually talking with a professional is the best way to deal with it. Which yeah....can be a little scary. But you can't hide from life. I've tried and all I've become is more anxious, self-conscious, and horribly sad.

So...not now.....but someday soon, I'll be looking for that help. Until then, I've been finding this section of the website particularly helpful. It's called AWARE....and hopefully, maybe it can help you too.

The key to switching out of an anxiety state is to accept it fully. Remaining in the present and accepting your anxiety causes it to disappear.

A: Accept the anxiety.

Welcome it. Don't fight it. replace your rejection, anger, and hatred of it with acceptance. By resisting, you're prolonging the unpleasantness of it. Instead, flow with it. Don 't make it responsible for how you think, feel, and act.

W: Watch your anxiety.

Look at it without judgement--not good, not bad. Rate it on a 0-to-10 scale and watch it go up and down. Be detached. Remember, you're not your anxiety. The more you can separate yourself from the experience, the more you can just watch it.

A: Act with the anxiety.

Act as if you aren't anxious. Function with it. Slow down if you have to, but keep going. Breathe slowly and normally. If you run from the situation your anxiety will go down, but your fear will go up. If you stay, both your anxiety and your fear will go down.

R: Repeat the steps.

Continue to accept your anxiety, watch it, and act with it until it goes down to a comfortable level. And it will. Just keep repeating these three steps: accept, watch, and act with it.

E: Expect the best.

What you fear the most rarely happens. Recognize that a certain amount of anxiety is normal. By expecting future anxiety you're putting yourself in a good position to accept it when it comes again.

Say It Simple, Say It Well

I was listening to the radio on the drive home last night. It was the Delilah show, something I used to fall asleep to as a kid. Probably a good thing I wasn't the one driving.

Anyway, I was beginning to zone out to the soothing tones of that radio matron and her sappy love songs....when I zeroed in on the lyrics.

And I had a realization. None of those sappy love songs make any sense.

I mean, really? "You are the sun/you are the rain"....how can you be both?

"She's my kinda rain/like love in a drunken sky" .....what does that even MEAN?

Why can't love be expressed without all those cheesy metaphors that make absolutely no sense? Why can't someone simply say how they feel, without all the flowery words? Does everyone have to turn into Percy Blysse Shelly when they're in love? Really?

I mean, the man was long-winded. Not every girl likes have a five-page-long ballad about how beautiful she is. You like her hair, her skin and her lips. Okay, okay, we get it. You're focusing elsewhere so you don't say anything about her tits. Good boy.

My favorite songs that lean more towards simplicity would have to be Hands Down by Dashboard Confessional and Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol.

Hands Down is talking about sex between a couple for the first time, said simply but beautifully. And at the end, you get the sense that though "love" has been said nowhere in the song, there are strong feelings between the two. "My hopes are so high/that your kiss might kill me/So won't you kill me/so I die happy/My heart is yours to fill or burst/to break or bury/or wear as jewelery/which ever you prefer." These lines are hopeful....Emo but hopeful. The other person effects them greatly....but they know, even though there's no words of feelings between them, that the other person cares too.

This is shown by some of the last lines: "You stood at your door with your hands on my waist/and you kissed me like you meant it/And I knew that you meant it/that you meant it/that you meant it."

It's hopeful. And isn't that what love is? A hope, a sensation. You hope that this feeling will last forever. You hope that the person you love, loves you too.

Snow Patrol's Chasing Cars is close enough to my own state of mind (and heart). It's said simply and beautifully. Why do so many songs lean towards flowery or impossible titles and songs? Why sing in a cheesy way when you can say everything here?


"We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we’re told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?"


Words that are spoken, every single one, has meaning. Deep meaning. To overuse I love you, to use flowery, overly-exaggerated speech almost makes those words lose such great meaning. It renders them ridiculous and untrue.

Maybe this is just the opinion from the Generation X/Y/whatever generation mine is considered now. Maybe with the onset of instant yet anonymous communication, much expression is lost on us. Maybe, being products of reformed hippies and heartless capitalism, we view love cynically.

But I still believe in it. I hope for it. But even I say again here......I want it put simply and randomly. That way I know it's truly from the heart.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sVQ4aLWLi8Q

The guy on this video knows it.