Life Is a Highway.....So Get Ready to Be Ridden

I got a car.

Which actually means this: My parents very generously took me to buy a car as a late graduation present. While this leaves me both extremely grateful and extremely worried about any possible Silver-Spoon-In-Mouth comments (anyone does that I'll show them my bank account......I may have just been given a car but I certainly don't get a 100 bucks a week allowance from dearest Mummy and Father), I have a bigger concern in my mind.

Actually driving the damn thing.

There is a saying that "People who can't do, teach." I think this should be followed up with "People who can't drive, walk." Which has been my mode of getting around for months.

When I was in high school, there was no point in getting a licence. At least this was what I told myself at the time. I assumed that from all the saving in preparation for college tuition, there was no way in hell I was getting a car. Especially since I didn't have a job. And really, who wants to drive around in their mother's Ford Windstar? My classmates may have driven through town in muddy rigs on tractor wheels with a rebel flag sticker in the back window (Note: this is about as far above the Mason-Dixon line as you can go without a passport handy) but still....

Driving in a minivan? Talk about lame. I didn't want to be lame. I just wanted to survive high school without drawing attention to myself.

Senior year, I acquired a boyfriend who -HALLELUJAH!- had a car. And still had a car (about 4 or 5 different ones) in the four years we were necking. With the dissolution of our relationship on highly volatile terms, there also went another excuse for not needing a licence yet.

But I was still in college. Who really needed a car in college? I'd just get picked up by my parents on weekends or catch a ride into town with friends. They all liked to drive.

Note: hiding behind another excuse.

Graduation came and went. And guess who is now feeling like a supreme bum for having to mooch rides off of family members or friends breezing through the area? Guess who feels like the lamest 23 year old ever? Guess who is losing her mind over loneliness because of the inability to visit her dearly beloved friends, most of whom are scattered across New England? That would be this kid.

So, after having the seventh in a long line of emotional breakdowns since graduating in May, I made a decision. Well, I made several decisions that mopey and drunken night.....but the one relevant to this is: I will stop being a chicken shit and just get my godforsaken licence already.

The problem with that is....frankly, I'm a shitty driver.

For example:

1) I sometimes forget to hit the turn signal when I merge onto the highway because I'm freaking out about getting there in time without hitting anyone.

2) Similarly, when I do use the turn signal, if the wheel does not click it off, I forget to actually turn it off afterwards so I end up driving along like one of those old [insert own ethnicity here] grandmothers that comedians are always going on and on about.

3) I don't judge distance quite well. Whether this says something about my a) eyesight, b) depth perception or c) math skills, it is clear that this is not safe. Especially considering that this inability has already caused one minor accident. Which I will come back to.

4) I sometimes forget that I am driving. I don't mean this in some kind of heartbreaking but slightly amusing senile way, where I start talking about my cat and then take my foot of the gas and slowly coast to a stop in the middle of the street and proceed to abandon my vehicle to go in search of dear Mr. Mittens or whatever. I mean, I forget that I'm driving in a very alarming way which involves tuning the stereo or glancing at some landmark and then having the car turn subconsciously in that direction. Or that my brain, which should be entirely full of traffic laws and observance, starts going off into ideas for future blogs, plotting how to meet and hug David Tennant without freaking the poor man out, or daydreaming about...well....boys. All of which are very distracting lines of thought. And then the next thing you know my poor mother is yelling about me not watching out for that pedestrian on the curb. (Clearly, Ma, they were not about to enter the road. They saw me breeze by and jumped back like I poked them with a cow-prod. That'll teach them to keep looking both ways).

5) I suck at reverse. Seriously. Backing up is not a good thing at all considering I can't always remember which way to turn the wheel. I was never one of those kids that needed to be reminded which hand was left and which was right but somehow at adulthood, I've been reduced to holding my palms up in front of my face and going "Wait.....now which one is the right again?"

6) Don't even ask me to try parallel parking.

7) What's a 3-point turn again?

8) Exactly 15 minutes after I got my car.....I hit another car in a parking lot. See, my parents thought it would be a great idea to have me drive my new car home right after we got it. However, they then decided to stop at Hannaford's on the way. And I had to park in a small space which I instinctively knew was not enough room for me but upon the instruction of my father, I went ahead anyway. And bumped into the other car. Thankfully it wasn't that big of a deal but still. And then after the store, I pulled out into an intersection and nearly got into another accident because another car didn't stop. First day with new car= insanity. (Not forgetting the part where I was so flustered about the minor accident that I actually not only left my car unlocked but also forget the keys IN the ignition. I might as well have just posted a giant sign that screamed "EASY STEAL!")

9) I've also hit our garage door. Twice. Both times making the same mistake. I got pissed at my mother and hit the gas instead of the brake. Sad and frightening.

Despite that drunken decision, I'd pretty much come to the conclusion that I'm just no good at this. The idea of me driving without someone in the car telling me to watch out is scary. Sometimes I just don't pay attention. Or I get distracted. And I'm legitimately terrified about having other people's lives in my hands, those both in and out of my car. I'm scared I'm going to mess up again, only next time I'll have hurt someone. Or killed them. A car's a weapon, if you think about it.

On the other hand, I can't be dependent on others my entire life. It's not fair to them and not to myself either. But there is so much terror involved here......

My best friends still listen to my negative prattle and put up with it. And the other night when I was being negative yet again about driving and the fact that I suck at it, both informed me to SHUT UP.

Harsh.....but exactly what I needed. And what proceeded was one of my friends gently knocking some sense into me.

He asked, rather bluntly, "So what makes you think you're not good enough?"
And he, frankly, wouldn't let it go. I did not really want to have that conversation because there were a lot of reasons. But....I went with the summarized answer: Because I mess up. A lot.
And cringed with the lame and emo-ness of the whole thing.

But he just answered with another question. "You have a bike?"

I blinked. Was he going to tell me to travel on bike instead? O_o "Yeah..."

"Okay....when you first rode it did you fall? Fail? Crash?"

"Yes." I was beginning to see where he was going with this but my negativity slipped through anyway. "A lot. I didn't learn until I was almost 10." And then nearly whacked my head against the desk because I couldn't believe I'd actually typed out let alone sent the last part. That was embarrassing and in fact something I hadn't really admitted.

"And do you ride your bike now and barely fall?" And he added, "Age doesn't matter."

So I agreed. I rarely fall now.

"Okay....so what does that tell you?"

At that moment, I felt kind of like a child telling my teacher the really easy and obvious moral to the story. Something I should have known but needed a little help seeing. A little slow.....but not stupid. Not judged. Just prompted.

"That if I keep trying I can do it eventually."

"Mmhmm. It's just like riding a bike or cooking. Get what I'm saying?"

"I think so. Everything takes practice."

"YES! And when you say you're not good enough you're going to think negatively and fail."

And something happened in that moment. Not quite confidence but...determination happened. Because my friend's right. The reason I mess up the most is because I tell myself I can't do things. Or I let someone else tell me that. But the negative people aren't worth listening to and neither is that little negative voice in my head. These are things I know already.....but sometimes need reminding by my ever so patient friends.

So....I wrote this blog not only to express my fear of driving but to look at those stupid little mistakes and just laugh at them. Because they're funny. And not really as horrible as I've worked them up to be.

All I need is practice and everything's going to be fine. As nervous a driver as I am now, I will get better because I can and because there are people who believe in me. And maybe it's about time I start believing in myself.

So...don't forget your seatbelt. And look out for me on the road. I'll be looking out for you.