The New Year's Resolution: A Reflection

At the end of December, millions of people sit down and make lists of resolutions for the upcoming year. And within a month, most of them give up on completing any goals.

I have always been one of those people. My past lists included often times speaking more (since I'm pretty shy) or getting at least one piece of work published (but I couldn't make myself send anything out). Be braver, be louder, be something else.

They change a little bit over the years but not by much. For example:

EXHIBIT A: My New Fearful Fabulous New Year's Resolutions for 2006:
1) Stop procrastinating
2) Not give up on ANYTHING
3) Pass ALL my classes
4) Be more assertive
5) Finish writing at least 2 of my stories
6) Show people I'm not as dumb as they might think
7) STOP being afraid of guys
8) Learn something new every day
9) Be myself NO MATTER WHAT
10) Show people my comic abilities (literary and otherwise)
11) Improve at dancing
12) STOP caring what other people think about me
13) Start believing in myself
14) Be more spontaneous
15) Stop being so shy and quiet
16) Take a chance on relationships
17) HAVE FUN! (as always)

EXHIBIT B: My Prettyful Awesome Fearful Fantabulastic New Year's Resolutions for 2007:
1) Stop procrastinating (I mean it this time)
2) Not give up on my dreams or anything
3) Pass all my classes AND Senior Project
4) Continue being assertive
5) Finish writing at least 2 stories
6) Study more
7) Challenge myself and my writing ability
8) Gain more faith
9) Be myself NO MATTER WHAT
10) Get better at golf
11) STOP chewing on my nails....pens...etc
12) Be a better friend
13) Start believing in myself
14) Stop being so scared
15) Stop being so shy sometimes
16) Open up more
17) Keep track of everyone once this school year's over
18) As always, HAVE FUN!


Notice the level of resolutions...notice even the sheer amount of them. Almost impossible to complete. And frankly....some of them were negative. I was making high goals for myself with no timeline or details, leaving me feeling guilty at the end of another year and having accomplished very little.

Last year, I had the best new years in my entire life. It was full of friends, tons of fun, lots o' love and ended with the realization that there were things in my life that I needed to fix. And I had the strength and the gumption to fix them.

In the midst of all this, I made yet another list of new years resolutions.

EXHIBIT C: New Year's Resolutions 2011
1) STOP BEING AFRAID
2) TAKE CHANCES
3) HUG AT LEAST ONE PERSON EVERY DAY
4) Read more
5) Be more active
6) Go outside more
7) Stop having secrets
8) HAVE FUN
9) Get at least one thing published
10) Listen to my intuition
11) Be a better friend
12) Do at least one thing on my Bucket List

Note.....The list is shorter.....more conceivable. More possible. And not really as negative. I was starting to make goals of things that would make me happier as a person and help me be the person I wanted to be.

And....thinking back over this year.....I did accomplish a lot on that list. I took leaps and bounds from being the uncertain submissive girl I'd always been to the strong woman who knows what she wants.

I haven't really stopped being afraid. I am the cowardly lion. But even the cowardly lion receives some Courage. Mark Twain once said that "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear--not absence of fear." So...I can still be afraid and be courageous. Being courageous means standing up to that fear, looking it in the eye, and telling it to go fuck itself. And then going ahead with what you want and need to do, despite that fear. I'm scared of damn near everything, but this year, I've been the bravest I've ever been.

For example, I finally conquered my fear of public speaking.
I burned two bridges to my past because I was sick and tired of being abused by people who I thought loved me.
I put myself out there and pursued a boy, despite the fact that I was scared of rejection or that it could ruin our friendship or that he would ultimately hurt me.
I laid all my cards on the table at the end of that relationship and said everything I felt.
And I never gave up, even when I felt I should.
I let the people in my life know what I thought and how I felt, despite fear of their reactions.

I'm still crippled by anxiety and and the fear of not being good enough but by god, I'm brave.

I took chances and risks: for love, for friendship, for dreams, for myself.

I had a lot of fun, in between all of the sadness and bullshit. I was more open with hugging (since the old me hated hugging people I didn't know that well). I read a lot. I did more, I went out in nature and enjoyed it and felt a connection. I started telling the people close to me my secrets. I listened to my intuition.....even when I wasn't sure whether it was truly my gut speaking or just what I hoped for.

And I was taught my biggest lessons this year by my three best friends. They were the catalyst for finding the strength in myself I wasn't sure I had, for seeing that life is meant to be enjoyed, for realizing my own self-worth and for not giving up or settling. They have taught me what true friendship is.

This year has been a journey....one that's not over yet. There's a really long road ahead.....and that's okay. It's more than okay. It's wonderful.

And no matter what happens, everything is going to be okay. So my resolutions this year are all about being happier and living life to the fullest degrees possible.

And if I don't accomplish them all..... at least I tried.


Resolutions for 2012:
1) Do not give up on dreams
2) Learn a new thing every day
3) Be spontaneous
4) Love a whole lot
5) Do at least one thing on bucket list
6) Write. Something. Anything. Everything
7) Trust myself
8) Have fun!