Thoughts From the Middle of a Breakdown

The fun continues really. Now they’re making me choose between them. My boyfriend and my best friend. I feel like my life has turned into Twilight.

Both of them are making me pick only one. Doodle, through her passive aggressiveness and guilt trips and The Boy through telling me that no, he’s not making me choose, he’s MADE the choice for me. That there won’t be any event in which the two of them will both attend.

What about my birthdays? What about our wedding? What about baby christenings? What about publishing parties? What about every other milestone in life that I kind of expected both of them to be present for?

What now?

I told him to leave me alone tonight. I didn’t bother to reply to her last message. I just want to be alone. I just want to curl up into the tiniest little ball and stop feeling.

He said he loves me. She says she loves me.

How can they both love me and both continue to make me miserable by making me choose?

That’s the real question I want to fling at them, scream at them at the top of my lungs, throwing things at them, hitting them with everything in me. Why?

How the hell did it get to this point? How the hell did we all get to this one last checkmate? Which piece am I supposed to move? Should I even move at all?

What the hell am I supposed to do?

She drains everything in me, every bit as I try to keep up with her moods, her emotional neediness. I’m back at the same place I was last semester. Again, they want everything out of me. Everybody wants something. Everybody…..especially the two of them. Pulling me in two different directions, like I’m tied to two different horses set off to the East and to the West.

They all want a piece of me: my time, my attention, my friendship, my love, my ears, every bit of me. And I find I’m also in the same place Ex-Friend was right before she left. I give and give and after awhile, there’s not anything left to give.

I’m drained, I’m empty, there’s nothing left in of me.

So why the hell does it feel like everything inside of me is shattering into a million jagged pieces?

I want my mommy.....