Lament of the Paranoid

I hate being alone.

I don't mean all the time. I love having solitude in nature. And there are times when all I want is to sit by myself away form everyone else's drama, somewhere so I can be away from all thier crap and just.....cleanse myself of their excessive negativity and emotions. Sometimes I just like being alone enough that I can sing along full blast to the Backstreet Boys and not embarass myself.

No, what I mean by neing alone is being completely a l o n e. As in, there isnt' anyone in the house. Well....there's the pets....but otherwsie there's no one. And you sit there in one room.....and just...listen. Because you've run out of things to do. There's nothing you feel like doing.....becuase it's either homework or more reading and you're actually bored with reading. And alll you hear are the little things....

That distinct ringing noise of the house.......the rhythmic clicking of the clock.......the muffled whoosh of a car going by outside........

It's almost worse in a dorm. When you're the last one there after just being let out on break.....it's actually terrifying. There's just silence. And there's never silence on a college campus. It like what you'd imagine a ghost town would sound like. The loud nothingness.

The worst part about being alone at home though......is being alone when the darkness comes. Being alone at night.

I've always hated that. Always was terrified of it. I can't fall asleep.....I can't do much of anything out of my own jack-up paranoia. I listen to music or watch a little something....but the volume is low so I can hear everything around me. Anyone approaching....or the dog gbetting excited or agitated. Just to make sure...you know?

I'm a paranoid person, this I know. And my paranoia increases the longer I'm in solitude.....in the house....at night.

--So where the fuck is that boy who said he was going to see me this morning?--