Re-emergence

And then suddenly, I returned.

I can hardly believe that it's been about 7 months since the last time I wrote on here. If anyone is reading this at all, I'm really sorry about the long absence. Stuff happened, a lot of it, which is actually what I was going to talk about today. 

Something I've been struggling with recently is how to describe exactly what happened and more so, how I've been feeling these past few months. I don't know how to express it without it sounding kind of bad or possibly worrying those who love me. But I'm finally able to write something. So I kind of have to. For my own sanity.

In truth, everything started before the tumultuous event and then exploded.

I've been feeling kind of....hopeless for awhile. Since my job changed really. And I've been stuck in retail since October. It's draining and frustrating and somehow my creativity just dried up.

However I still had random bursts of writing. I still had my friends and my boyfriend, (who I'll call Flynn) to spend time with. I hung out with my family when it was possible. But I missed them terribly and I hated my job.

But things were still fine such as they were. Until the end of January. Until the end of my grandmother.

I tried to write about it because that's how I've always coped with everything in the past. I'd had my heart broken before and had been blocked in writing but half sentences and phrases or thoughts still escaped here and there.

This time....after a desperate stream of conscious poem during a vague night at work and a paragraph that ended before the fateful words I couldn't say or write.....other than those things, I wrote nothing. I was done.

There were no more words inside of me. They'd all dried up. And what's more it hurt too damn much to say them. To say anything really.

I couldn't even speak them out loud. I said words, everything other than what I needed to talk about because I was afraid of tears. I said everything but what was important, anything but what truly mattered. Nothing about what was going through my head and heart. I'm going to try to write it all down again, in order, because I need to get it out. But for now.....the aftermath.

I went through the days after I was dropped back off in my life. Every day felt the same. I got up and went to work. Or I slept in later and dragged myself to errands. I made myself go to stores, the bank, the laundromat, the RMV. I made phone calls, hands twitching on the table. I hung out with everyone but that felt like an effort. It was so hard to keep up some kind of happiness, a front so no one would worry.

Work was almost unbearable. I had to be cheerful all the damn time, so at the end of the day all I wanted to do was disappear into fiction, into someone else's life. So I watched movies and TV. I binged on NCIS, NCIS:LA, and Bones. I avoided certain shows my gram and I used to watch together or talk about.

My roomate, Dash, started a new job an hour away and it took up the majority of her time. So she mostly moved in with her boyfriend and his friends. My despair deepened over that time. I was alone except for work and the weekends. Flynn's family had me down once a week for dinner. My doppelganger hung out now and again but sometimes I wanted to be alone. It made it easier to not have to fake emotions. However it was stll difficult to sleep at night.

The point is that the days all drifted together. This deep sadness had an unshakable hold on me. I'd think maybe I was okay but then why was I still sad-- and then I'd remember and it would continue. I slept with all of the lights on, fearful of the world outside, the possible spirits in the apartment, and my own imagination. I stopped caring about cleaning things, looking as presentable for work, getting out of bed before 2 pm.

At some point I became aware that I was not happy, As in, I had not, in fact. been happy for a long time. At first, because I'm a twitchy paranoid person, I thought that it had something to do with my relationship. Oh no....was something wrong and I yet again took forever to notice? But that was stupid. Its' not Flynn's fault if I'm not happy 24/7 just like it's not my fault if he's not. So I felt back over the web of time and my vague emotions and realized that the last time I had been happy was about 2 minutes before my Dad told me what had happened, what had changed for all of us.

So in fact this was still grief working it's way through my system. Which only made me feel slightly better.

I didn't know how to talk about this. I hid my tears because I didn't want to bother anyone. You know how society is about grief. Cry up until the funeral and then you should have some closure. But you better damn well be your usual cheery self the day after.

So that's what I faked.

It was not that I didn't feel emotions. I did. It was just....all I felt were the negative, bad one. Sadness, anger, hatred, annoyance. Joy, laughter and happiness were just out of reach. They touched me lightly, like the way a warm spring breeze brushes your face. And then they were gone.

I couldn't write. Reading was an effort. Crowds made me grumpy and panicky. Traveling caused irrational rage. Almost everything I had enjoyed before was not fun anymore.

All I could do was continue on this long, dimly lit path, holding onto some kind of half-hearted hope that things would change. But all the while, I doubted that they would.

Slowly though, something did change. Allie Brosh, of my favorite blog ever Hyperbole and a Half, came back. And her new entry reverberated within me. I had not been to those same depths as her....but I understood what she talked about. To some extent. And suddenly, I had a positive emotion: Relief.

I was relieved that she was okay. As much as she is at this point. That she was still alive.
I was relieved that she was making it.
That she had written again.
And suddenly, I had hope that I would be able to write again.
That maybe my creativity was not an old well that had been sealed out of tragedy.
That maybe I did deserve to be happy again even though my grandmother was gone, even though I had regrets, even though.......everything.
That maybe I could feel happiness again. Someday.

I expressed how I felt to Doppelganger finally. I knew that besides my family, (who I couldn't let myself talk to about it because FEELINGS), she was the one person who could understand the level of grief that I was still wading through. And she did.

I gathered courage over a month ago and made a spontaneous decision to go back home. Back to VT to visit. And everything had changed, just as I knew it had. Just as I had tried not to acknowledge it had. But I refused to get used to it. I refused. But something within me changed.

When I got back, suddenly there were feelings. Overwhelming ones. I was nearly knocked over by laughter. I vibrated with rage. I was pumped full of determination. I was full to bursting with love.

And slowly, the anxiety came back as well. That was the only thing I had not missed over the dark period.

But that is a tale for another day.

For now, I am full of feelings, both good and bad. Sometimes it's a confusing swirl of them. Some days it's still hard to move or do anything resembling productivity or any kind of activity. But things are getting better.

And I've got the writing itch again, with words and poems bursting out of me in what looks like an endless sea. Months of feelings I couldn't express are just falling out faster than I can write them. And I'm full of an emerging drive to make life better. One word at a time.

Navigating the Love Sea

I really have abandoned this blog. I didn't mean to......it's just....I moved. And got busy. And all of a sudden I wasn't sitting sadly on my couch at 3 am listening to Third Eye Blind and writing about life. I was off.....actually living it. 

So I really am sorry to whoever has been reading this and waiting for a new entry. I didn't disappear. I'm here. 

So....I figured, here's something that I wrote a couple months ago........with a few thoughts and an update of sorts. 

There will be an actual new entry soon. Promise.

"It's really hard to navigate the romantic waters when you have no compass and barely any idea what you're looking for. 

Dating websites are the grounds for possible happiness. But the overall experience is hit or miss.....sometimes with a whole lot of misses. 

I joined one such website last month. For the most part, I've sat back and had others message me. I've only actively pursued one guy ever in my entire life and my confidence level is not quite up to the challenge again. 

But I did always respond. Whether it was to call some dude out for being a despicable human being (Seriously.....NSA hook up with you? And keep it on the DL because you have a GF? Asshole) or to joke around with some wisecracker, I did write back. 

But I was unsure of whether I really wanted to meet anyone in real life. As long as they were just online, they were okay. Safe. Fake people....words on a screen and a couple pictures. Nothing tangible. 

I even had a massive panic attack at one request to meet up.

But spontaneity made me agree to take a chance and meet up with one guy. It went well.....at first. But then my anxiety, intuition and best friends were all there to point out that I might be repeating the past again.....down a long road of dependence and control. Somewhere I promised myself I'd never go again. 

Plus, he was kind of a dick. 

Regardless, I was disappointed. Disappointed in that jerk....that he was a jerk.  Disappointed with myself for being unable to judge character. And rather angry with the universe for thrusting this lesson on me yet again. And I'm overcome by the fear that I'll keep making the same mistakes. I had hopes.....though admittedly not for any one person. 

Just the hope that someone would want me. Me, for all of me, not just because I'm apparently cute when I get mad or that I'm easily manipulated. But because I've got a big heart and I'm too honest. Because I make weird voices, act like a nutcase after sugar or caffeine, cry when characters die in books or movies, scream at spiders, and do anything for those I care about. Because I make promises and keep them, absolutely have to write ideas down as they pop into my head on anything available, and might need to have a reassuring hand touch mine in the dark. 

I want someone who will appreciate my sense of humor, understand my quirks, deal with my occasional temper and hold me when I'm crying, even though I might tell them to go the hell away. I want someone who will dance like a basketcase with me, someone who can deal with my oldies playlist and not make fun of me, talk about weird stuff until 3 am, and who can appreciate how much my family and friends mean to me. 

And it's really scary to pin these hopes to another again. But I find myself reaching out from inside, always hopeful that maybe....that person is just around the corner." 

I'm guessing that last sentence or two was influenced by Simple Plan's Just Around the Corner. Knowing me, I was probably listening to it on some mildly sad/sappy/emotional playlist while writing the above because I was feeling kind of sad....sappy.....and emotional. That used to happen a lot. But not since August. Because around the beginning-ish of that month, I decided to say....screw it. Well, not really "screw it" but more like ......screw feeling sad because I was alone. Screw being afraid of falling in love just because I didn't ever want to feel like I'd rather be an emotionless Cyberman rather than feel anything ever again. 

As a valley girl would say, that is soooooo 2011. 

But basically, I figured out a couple things: A) I was entirely over my ex Homefries, B) I was not terrified of falling in love again and what's more, C) I actually was more open to it. As in, not pretending that internet people aren't tangible. 

I told the universe in a tentative manner that I was wearing my big girl pants. Finally. So bring it on, oh great and powerful universe cupid!


And the universe did. ^_^

Totally promise......more blogs in future! And hopefully more frequently. Updates on past few months!!

So...About This 100 Things Thing...

So in lieu of an actual blog entry (because I have a few big ones to write) I figured I'd take a crack at this.
There's this thing on the internet concerning a list of 100 things about yourself. How can you really have that many things to tell....and on the internet?

Well considering that blogs are always sharing lots of information, usually about oneself......I guess there is a hell of a lot to say. So...here's my list:


1) I'm a treehugger. Both literally and figuratively.

2) I'm also a writer. Which makes it hard to be a figurative treehugger when I'm killing so many of them with my notebooks and printer paper.

3) I am an only child.

4) My closest friends are like family.

5) I would do anything for them and for my biological family.

6) I have arachnophobia.

7) The proudest day of my life was graduating cum laude from college just over a year ago. Four years after being told by my math teacher/senior project panel that I wasn't going to get anywhere in the world with my work ethic and attitude. HAH

8) My college became my home....and I'm still trying to figure out where home is now.

9) I love real big. Even after getting torn open.

10) My cat is the most lovable cat in the world.

11) I hate math. Like seriously.

12) I can't divide without a calculator. Just don't even ask.

13) And fractions are a nightmare.

14) I used to leave plastic snakes lying around my grandparents house for my grandma to find as a prank.

15) I trust people a lot less than they think I do.....and a lot less than I think I do.

16) I'm still terrified of driving.

17) In anxious moments, I sometimes pretend I'm someone else. Like I'm an actress playing a role because it's easier to be someone else than myself.

18) Audrey Hepburn is my role model.

19) Sometimes I try to channel her awesomeness when I'm in social interactions.

20) The only reason I ever wear sunglasses is to keep me from panicking in public. If my eyes are shaded, I feel better. Kinda like that kid on Big Daddy.

21) I have anxiety.....which has gotten worse over the past couple years.

22) An anxiety attack sometimes feels like it comes out of nowhere for no reason. Which is more frustrating than any that I know the cause of.

23) I try to keep it on the downlow a lot because I don't like dealing with anyone's reactions.

24) I'm double-jointed in my elbows.

25) And that is something that freaks people out when I show them.

26) I'm German, Italian, Irish, English and Dutch. And possibly Scottish.....not sure about that one. I like to call myself a patchwork quilt.

27) I really want to travel all over Europe.

28) Especially England. I absolutely love just about everything about England.

29) Including Doctor Who.

30) I have a crush on David Tennant.

31) I'm going to Bonaroo in June......and I'm so freaking excited to get to be a hippie and hear amazing music with one of my besties for 4 days.

32) I used to feel like I was born in the wrong era.

33) When I was younger, I had an easier time talking with adults or running around with smaller kids then socializing with anyone my age.

34) I always felt like kids my age were more likely to be judging me than anyone younger or older.

35) My aunt told me I was socially retarded as a child because I didn't get to play with kids outside of school.

36) I'm still trying to not be offended by that.

37) College cured me of the fear that I couldn't relate to anyone my age.

38) I cry almost every time I hear Innocence by Avril Lavigne.

39) I hate movies that make me cry.

40) I just really don't like crying in general.

41) I hate saying goodbye. Partly because that usually means I'm bawling but mostly because I miss people. A LOT. And I always have this little fear that I'm never going to see them again.

42) I worry. A LOT. About damn near everything and everyone.

43) I used to pretend my dad's battery tester was an EMF device because I wanted to be a Ghostbuster.

44) Ghosthunters is one of my favorite shows.....and I'm horribly upset that Grant is leaving.

45) I'm creeped out by ghosts but I love going ghosthunting with my best friends.

46) I'm still scared of the dark.

47) I sleep with stuffed animals.

48) Most of them make a wall around the crack between my bed and the wall.

49) I'm not comfortable sleeping unless a bed is against a wall.

50) I usually need a light on.

51) I sleep with my bedroom door open.

52) The closet door must be shut.

53) I'm paranoid

54) So that means I know how to survive any natural disaster.

55) I also know how to get out of a locked trunk, escape a kidnapping, and incapacitate someone trying to grab/hurt me.

56) I'd like to learn more about self-defense

57) I've been teaching myself the Thriller dance

58) Even though I can't stand zombies. Like at all.

59) This is mostly due to watching Dawn of The Dead which terrified the shit out of me.

60) When I was a kid, I was convinced that Dracula lived in my closet.

61) I was also confused about vampire myth and thought that he hated light of any kind. As did ghosts, zombies and the boogeyman. Hence, why I slept with a nightlight.

62) I love vampires now. Especially on Moonlight, True Blood and Underworld.

63) The Haunting In Connecticut is the most terrifying movie I've ever seen. Seriously.

64) I slept with the light on for like 2 months after watching it.

65) I'm still terrified of dumb waiters.

66) I'm absolutely scared of opening my eyes at night and finding something right up in my face, looking back at me.

67) I also don't like looking out of windows at night for the very same reason.

68) I should probably stop watching so many horror movies.

69) My favorite movies ever are the Back to the Future trilogy.

70) I can quote them. Sometimes verbatim. But usually right along with the characters. Which probably annoys anyone watching them with me, but I haven't heard any complaints yet.

71) My first celebrity crush ever was on Michael J. Fox

72) Christopher Lloyd is one of my favorite actors.

73) Even though I don't really like Death of a Salesman, I bought tickets to see it because Christopher Lloyd was playing Willy Loman. Yep...I'm a nerd.

74) I was in the front row with my mom.......and at one point, Christopher Lloyd accidentally spit in my direction. I was more in awe than disgusted. Which says a hell of a lot since spit usually really grosses me out.

75) I think I might be a fangirl.

76) I'm a major history geek.

77) I prefer pirates. Sorry, ya bloody ninjas!

78) One of my favorite time periods to study is the Revolutionary War.

79) Which just makes my move to Massachusetts even better.

80) One of my heroes is Benjamin Franklin.

81) The last time I was in Boston for a field trip, it was to go on the Freedom Trail.

82) I want to go again because I'll be a hell of a lot more impressed than I was at 11 years old.

83) The last time I was in Boston at all was to go to the Monster Ball.

84) Why yes, I am a Little Monster. I admire Gaga but I'm not toooootally gaga over her.

85) I like puns. Like, a lot.

86) And double entendres. I absolutely looooooove double entendres.

87) Which might be a reason why I like reading Shakespeare.

88) My favorite author ever is Meg Cabot. I reaaaaaaaaaally want to meet her someday.

89) But I also love Jane Austen, Agatha Christie, Howard Frank Mosher, Garrison Keillor, and J.K. Rowling.

90) I write a LOT of poetry.

91) Lately, I've been working on spoken word poetry. Just because I want to know I can do it.

92) I watch spoken word videos on Youtube....mainly Sarah Kay, Rudy Francisco and Dej Jam Poetry.

93) I have a lot of stories to finish writing.

94) I talk to my characters sometimes. I'm hoping this isn't a sign of mental illness.

95) I had imaginary friends until I was 12.

96) I was a pretty lonely kid.....which was probably why those imaginary friends stuck around so long.

97) When I'm really sad or upset, one of three movies makes me feel better: Tangled, When Harry Met Sally and Pride and Prejudice (the 2005 version with Keira Knightly and Matthew Macfadyn).

98) If I break out Sound of Music or some other musical instead, I either am really in the mood for songs.......or I am extremely down in the dumps.

99) Sometimes I wish life was more like a musical.

100) I love My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and take it's advice into my own life's issues.


TADAH! 100 things. Holy shit.

Lessons From Cartoon Ponies: Choices, Choices

Ok so here we're trying this againnnnn. Real-life breakdown of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic situations. This covers episode three, The Ticket Master.


Note: SPOILERS!


In the third episode, it opens with Twilight and Spike helping out Applejack in her family's orchard. While there, Twilight receives a letter from Princess Celestia. It's an invitation to the Grand Galloping Gala, a fancy celebration some months ahead. Included are two tickets. 


And therein lies the problem. Twilight has TWO tickets....and FIVE friends. 


They all have excellent reasons for wanting to go to Grand Galloping Gala. Applejack wants to sell apple goodies to make more money for her family. Rainbow Dash wants a chance to meet and impress the Wonderbolts, her heroes. Pinkie Pie wants to go because....well....it's the biggest party in all of Equestria and parties are what Pinkie does best. Rarity wants to go and meet the prince and live happily ever after. And Fluttershy amazingly wants to go too.....at least to see the private garden with all it's critters. 


But in all their arguing and favor-doing, they can't see how they are upsetting poor Twilight who is slowly pulling her mane out over the fact that she can't make all her friends happy.


What is she going to do?

can't please everypony

This is every friend's nightmare. Not being able to include everyone. 


Now, I've never been in this exact situation before. I've never really had tickets to some great thing and had to pick and choose between friends. But I have been in situations where not everyone can be included. 


Often as a kid and teenager, there were birthday parties or sleepovers or super-cool friendship bracelets going around. But the thing was, there were so many of us (we were a big group of friends) that there wasn't always enough stuff or space for everyone. 


Somehow, I always managed it well enough. I had few enough pals that were considered "close" so there was never really an issue including them in anything. But I remember agonizing over who would get invited to a large birthday party. There were best friends and friends and kind of friends who I played cards with during study hall or bullshitted with after school. Then there was a guy I liked who was a little older than the rest of us. How do you fit in everyone? Who do you invite to join in on your celebrations????


I imagine this is also the problem with who gets invited to your wedding or who can stand up with you there. When you want to share something special with your friends, you naturally want to share that something special with ALL of your friends. Having to choose between them......that's just too tough. (For stories about having to choose between friends and other awkward things like that....just wait for later MLP blogs. Whoooo boy do I have plenty of those kind of stories.....)


Like Twilight said in her letter to Princess Celestia at the end of the episode, "One of the joys of friendship is sharing your blessings but when there’s not enough to go around, having more than your friends feels awful." 


I'd rather hang out with all of my friends than go without them to the Grand Galloping Gala. But then.....I probably wouldn't want to go a gala anyway. But life is definitely more fun when you include everyone. 


And this is why my friends and I always have to call ahead for giant reservations before we all go out to eat :D 


"In prosperity our friends know us; in adversity we know our friends."--John Churton Collins

Things I Was Afraid To Wish For

So....this entry is going to be a little more intimate than usual. Well....maybe not that much more....considering all that's been discussed so far. But anyhoo.

A couple months or so ago, I decided that as an adult or, at least, as a girl who's trying to be kinder to herself....I need to take another look at life. And what exactly I want out of it.

Part of this was looking at a little list I made over a year ago about what I was looking for in a guy. I will admit.....at the time, I did kind of have a guy in mind. But everything on the list was true. And pretty specific. The list overall still holds true. A lot of things on there are things that are really important....and what I absolutely will not back down on.

I want someone who is willing to communicate, instead of storming off or keeping everything bottled up. Someone who is not going to lie or try to control me or break promises (unless it can't be helped). That's very important. And I'd also like someone who can take a joke......and throw one back. that's pretty important too.

But I tried not to get too crazy because frankly, I was trying to not be demanding or crazy or superficial.

But I was missing something important there. I wasn't hoping. Like, at all. I was stating what I absolutely needed from a guy but not what I wanted. Not what I hoped for.....I never even acknowledged it.

Well I mean....I wanted those things too. But they weren't very detailed because I felt like I shouldn't be demanding anything. Or expecting too much. I didn't want to be a high maintenance chick. And besides, fairy tales are just that, right? Life is not a movie.....no matter how much you wish it would play out like one.

And then I realized......that I was thinking negatively by NOT wanting those things. By thinking it would make me somehow unappealing or stupid to actually wish and hope for a decent guy. I was not allowing myself to be treated amazingly or at least, respectfully, by not voicing these. So....here it is. What I want.

(I always feel like a little creepy voice is going "Be careful what you wish for...." in the background after a statement like the above .) O_o


1) As creepy as it might sound.....I want a guy who'd stand outside my house in the morning, holding a boombox, blasting a song that's meaningful to both of us.
Or pull me onto a riding lawn mower so we can lawn mow off into the sunset. Or a guy who would run after me in the rain. Or defy all stereotypes and cliques and expectations to just be with me. Wow.....I guess what I really want is to live an 80's flick. Only, with better hairstyles and clothing. And more technology. That's kind of sad ahaha. But I mean, it would be nice to have a guy who would be willing to do ridiculous stuff like that. For me. Because....it always felt like in the past....I was the only one willing to do that. For someone else.

2) Although, I will add to the first statement, I prefer it when guys call before they come over.
As a general rule. It tweaks me out and makes me feel all paranoid and skittery as a squirrel if there's any possibility of people showing up out of nowhere. I'm not too big on those kind of surprises anymore. So....yeah. Common courtesy and respect would be nice.

3) I'd like a guy to hear me say, "I'm fine," then sit down in front of me, look me in the eye and say, "You're lying." And then actually listen to me afterward when he pries my real feelings out of me.

4) I want to have one of those movie kisses.....
Where nothing else is there but just the two people kissing. (Which I've already technically experienced but....yeah. I'd like to know that that can happen a second time.)

5) I want to be entirely and randomly swept away by passion.
I mean, I've felt large amount of passion for someone before, a confusing and overwhelming swirl of love, lust and intense emotions. But...never acted upon it. Well, at least not in the way that most people act on it in  the movies or romance novels. But....I want that. I want to be completely swept away with someone else. And have that moment of just crazy, random, insane passion. Just to know that it really exists. That is does happen. That I can have something like that with someone else. That someone else can feel that for me too.

6) I want a guy who sees me, all of me.
And accepts me, does not want to change or stifle me. Doesn't want  me to play some role that he envisions me as. Someone who just wants me to be me.

7) I want someone who will let me love them.
Someone who will let me in and allow me to get close to them. Okay, I'll admit, I'm a sucker for someone who's got the overall aura of a cactus......but there's only so many time you can keep hugging what's stabbing back at you. After awhile, you just really end up wanting someone who's willing to let down their shields. Even if it's only for you.

8) And I guess what I really really want......

I want someone who thinks I'm worth it. 

That would be nice. 

Property of Disney :)

A Typical Day In the Life of an Unemployed College Graduate

Wake up to the sounds of Trevor Hall singing cheerfully about it being a brand new day. Hit the snooze. Repeat about 3 to 4 more times.

Finally dismiss the alarm. Blink a few time at the screen. Smile a little sadly at your background photo.

Scroll down to the Facebook app. Spend about 15 minutes waking up and checking the newsfeed and notifications.

Throw down phone, crawl out of bed and shut lava lamp off.

Halfheartedly grab clothes out of the appropriate drawers. Shuffle off to the bathroom. Drag laptop in and set up in the corner. Start up playlist entitled "Cheer Up, Kid." Take a long shower.

Dry your hair over the sounds of dubstep. Wonder about making music like that, complete with hairdryer sounds. Shake your head. That would be really weird.

Get dressed. Comb your hair. Stare at yourself in the mirror and realize you're getting a pretty grey outlook. Shake your head and throw your shoulders back. Stand up and give your mirror self a look full of sass. Pick up your laptop and take it out to the kitchen.

Prop it up and look around at what to eat. Scowl at the fridge. Grab eggs and other ingredients.

Try one of your many variations on scrambled eggs. Sit down and shut off your playlist. Watch an episode of the show you missed the night before.

Check facebook. Check the other blogs you read. Check the comics you read.

Check your e-mail. Delete messages. Eye message from student loan office nervously. Grumble to yourself as you calculate your bank account.

Open up job search websites. Skim through the old ones you already applied for. Find new positions. View details. Apply.

Have panic attack over the tricky questions asked in the applications. Growl at yourself to Suck It Up Buttercup.

Throw your dirty dishes in the dishwasher. Eye the overflowing sink. Mumble to yourself. Shuffle into the living room with your laptop.

Talk for a million years with your friends online. Watch another show because you're putting off work. Start reading a book. Get interrupted a million times by messages, notifications, texts, and phone calls. Finally give up on your book.

Peruse ebay for things you want. Calculate bank account again. Shrug. You don't need any of that stuff. Moving and Bonaroo are more important. Shuffle out to fridge for a Coke. Eye sink again distastefully. Sigh.

Drag laptop now blasting music again out to table. Prop it up and tackle sink. Fill dishwasher. Turn it on. Scrub a few pans. Get distracted by messages.

Get distracted by twitter.

Get distracted by Jenna Marbles.

Remember the dishes. Wash some more until the drainer is full. Lay a towel carefully on top. See....you did something productive in the house.

Remember money you needed to put in the bank. And that form you needed to mail. And the fact you need to go to the library. Grumble to yourself again. Check your mirror-self to make sure you look presentable.

Check wallet. Shove in purse. Glance at form.....realize you still need to fill it out. Shove library books in purse. Grab purse and keys. Trudge out to car. Start it up and frighten yourself when  bass is dropped in your face because you left the music on level 10 the day before. Turn the volume down to 6.

Make your way into town without hitting anyone. Congratulate yourself.

Swear loudly over the fact that there are no parking spaces in front of the bank. Drive around town hall and the post office to go back and try again. Still nothing. Eye the parking spaces across the street. Remember that time you almost had a heart attack trying to reverse onto the busy street out of that parking space. Drive around again and park way down by the post office.

Blink up at the sky as you open your door...... it has started to sleet. In April. Swear to the sky above that you're getting the hell out of Vermont as soon as possible. Shove your hands in your pockets and duck your head as you trudge all the way over to the bank. Manage a smile at the teller. Deposit your money. Check your account with glee. You had more than you thought.

Notice the sleet has turned miraculousy back into a spring rain. Still keep head bent until you get int the car. Head over to the library. Cheer to yourself as you fkind lots of parking space. Haul ass out of car with books as fast as possible before another car comes. Ascend to the library.

Peruse the shelves for the books to read that you'd made a mental list of last time you were there. Pick up a couple your mother might be interested in. Check them out. Head back out and notice the rain stopped. Drive back to your house.

dump the books and your purse on a chair in the living room. Turn on Pandora. Make some tea. Scrub the stove and countertops. Dry the dishes and pans and put them away. Bounce out to the living room again to make a list of all the jobs you need to call later. Make a To-Do list for the rest of the week.

Notice that the sun has spilled through the window. Glance up and see how pretty it is sifting through the clouds, as it starts to sprinkle again. It's actually kind of beautiful.

Decide that maybe......you should stop grumbling about the rain. The earth needs it after all. And besides......it's pretty.

Sit down and write your blog that you've been putting off. Try to decide how to end it with a good message. Realize you can't think of anything appropriate so cop out and decide to use a quote. It is the truth after all......even if it was written by someone else.

So smile anyway. Your days will get even better real soon.

"Do you know the saying 'You can only see a rainbow after it rains'? So if there is a storm in your heart right now, it is definitely a sign that you are going to become more beautiful." --Ouran School Host Club

Lessons From Cartoon Ponies: Friendship Truly Is Magic

The phenomenon that is My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic has spread widely across the internet over the past year. 

I was introduced to it last winter, after a couple of friends insisted that it was in fact a reflection of life as well as scarily accurate about our group of friends. I didn't believe them.

And then I saw episode one. The rest is history.

So late one night last week, I was watching a couple episodes trying to feel better about a situation and look for wisdom in the cartoon. And not only did I find some......I also came up with a fantastic idea. 

Why not summarize the lessons learned in each episode and tie it in with actual real life instances where that lesson came into play? Whoo genius!

At least, that's what I thought at 2 am. 

Still.....I think it's something to try anyway. So....bear with me if you're not a brony. It'll be fun and make sense after awhile. I promise. 

And if you are already a diehard fan, AWESOME! Enjoy and I'll see you at BronyCon!

This is the first blog of many to come. I'm thinking these will be interspersed in between other entries. I might even include more than one lesson in each entry....depending on the overall length. 

So ....let's begin. 

In the opening 2 part episode of My Little Pony FIM, the unicorn Twilight Sparkle and her baby dragon Spike end up heading off to the small town of Ponyville to oversee the preperations for the Summer Sun Celebration. Twilight also has a special mission from her teacher, Princess Celestia: Make some friends! Twilight is a very booknerdy pony and has no intention of wasting her time making friends. She has all of Equestria to save if the evil pony Nightmare Moon comes back as legend says she will! 


But over the course of the episode, in order to find the Elements of Harmony that can stop Nightmare Moon's plot of eternal night in Equestria, Twilight must depend on the help of five other ponies: effervescent Pinkie Pie, girly Rarity, daredevil Rainbow Dash, timid Fluttershy, and hardworking Applejack. Together, the six ponies band together in friendship to defeat Nightmare Moon, with the elements of Harmony that they each represent. 


Applejack: Honesty
Pinkie Pie: Laughter
Rarity: Generosity
Fluttershy: Kindness
Rainbow Dash: Loyalty
Twilight Sparkle: Magic


So I was sitting here, with a remix of Giggle at the Ghosties playing in my ears, trying to figure out how to relate this all to a real life situation. 


My friends and I have certainly never banded together to stop evil. 


But then I thought more carefully about it. We had come together to do other things. Like pulling off a near impossible Haunted Walk, which literally fell apart before we sucked it up and soldiered on. And putting on a ridiculously difficult play despite little props, few club members, no available funding, barely any theater experience with the majority of the group, a shitty director and a lighting display that was expected to catch fire at any moment. And also, surviving college at large, despite academic issues and social blowups.


Really, the message of the episodes wasn't just joining to defeat evil. It was also about finding friendship in those around you....and discovering what true friendship was really about. 


And I realized that over the past few years.....I'd learned just that with the help of my friends. *cue Beatles tune*


I've had a lot of friends over the course of life. I've actually had about 10 best friends. Not including those I'm closest to now. Some of my family members like to inform me of the fact that I've never been that great at picking friends. Trusting the wrong people is apparently a major flaw in my personality. 


This has left me feeling, for most of my life, rather bad about my ability to make and keep friends.....as well as my judgement in trusting others. 


But the fact is, no matter how much crap has gone down or how many people have screwed me over or ended up being jerks ....I can't help but give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I can't help but hope that the next person might not do that...or the next.....or the next. 


Over college, I became friends with a truly amazing group of people. 


From the first, I was pulled haphazardly into this group of people who were wacky, fun and didn't really care who thought they were nerdy weirdos. Most of them were Creative Writing majors like myself and we pretty much all clicked. I was afraid to count them as friends....afraid that maybe no one would accept me as readily as my friends in high school had. 


But after a few meals and joining anime club, I realized I did have friends. And as time went by, I found even more friends who were also pulled into the group or independent of them. And what's more.....they were all good friends. Who joked around about anything and made you feel better on a bad day and helped you out with your shit. 


College is about the time when big changes start happening. You're an adult but still have a childlike mindset ....which means getting wicked excited over sidewalk chalk, new Pokemon games and charming children's cartoons. But you've gotten a taste of freedom......and of alcohol, loud parties, the walk of shame, having security check your suite for craziness, truly bad food, and lots of papers and projects in a short period of time. 


You become used to not many hours of sleep, cat naps anywhere that's mildly soft, and loads of caffeine to keep you going. Besides the changes in your hours, your friends, and possibly morals.....your mind's changing. From class, discussions, news, shows, books, everything. Maybe you fight more with your family since you went to your "crazy liberal hippie" school. Maybe you change religions or cut loose from the cloth entirely. 


You start losing things. Respect for people. Pets. Old friends. Family members. Your rose-colored glasses. Your sanity (if you even had any to begin with).


Over the course of four years (or really just like the last year or so) I lost a grandfather I regret not getting to know better, a fiancee I regret not dumping sooner, and the idea that it was okay if I was miserable as long as others were happy. 


I wanted to be happy dammit. 


And a large part of that realization came later....after making drastic changes and losing a few things. The realization that I had a group of people around who gave more than two shits about me. 

tears of joy.....who knew?

I learned that true friends are there for you, even when you're being a emo asshole. They can rag on you for months about some embarrassing incident but tactfully let something go if they know you don't want to talk about. They'll also hound you until you spill what's upsetting you. They listen. They laugh with you....and at you, but in a good way.....like when you fall down in water......or trip up stairs......or fly into doors. They give advice  and help even when it's one in the morning because you needed them and suddenly had some kind of meltdown and you're apologizing all over the place and they tell you to just stop saying "sorry." They threaten to bitch slap you if you talk down on yourself one more time. They tell you to SHUT UP when you apologize for being useless. They hug you when you cry and make you laugh when you feel like you can't laugh anymore. They support you in just about everything and have the guts to tell you when you're wrong. They tell the truth, even when it ain't pretty. They go on attack for you when you can't fight bullies. They convince you into doing the craziest but most exhilarating things ever. They make you cry tears of joy....when you'd thought you were not the kind of person who was capable of that. You know they're there for you, even if they are not always physically there. 


And I think the greatest thing I learned about true friendship is, that a true friend wants you to be the best that you can be and does not demand anything from you. All they want is your friendship. No demands, no orders, no guilt trips, no expectations. 


They just want you to be you and to be their friend too. 


My friends taught me that....all of that. What's more, they taught me to see the strength inside myself that I didn't know existed. And I truly believe that we can do anything together. 




Love you Dash, Doppelganger, Spikey, Twi, AJ, Hikaru, Honey-sempai, Carrrrrrrl, and Ging. You're all the best......more than you know. 

Friendship is a group-glomp ^_^

(pics are property of Lauren Faust and the Hub)