A new record has been set for Loony. And I've got the gold medal.
This summer I have continued in the same behavior of the previous summer, as well as that of last fall. In other words, I'm an anti-social, paranoid, anxiety-ridden, hyperventilating hermit. Wonderful. Just hand me some valium and a rubber room and I'm all set.
I'm serious. I hide indoors, I'm uncomfortable in public, I hate answering the door, I hate going out, I've avoided going to the movies twice with The Boy, I break out in sweats thinking about going ot the library, job hunting makes me hyperventilate, and I get panic attacks trying to go to sleep at night.
Apparently I need a shrink or something. Or maybe just the rubber room. I did always like bounce houses.....
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Lament of the Paranoid
I hate being alone.
I don't mean all the time. I love having solitude in nature. And there are times when all I want is to sit by myself away form everyone else's drama, somewhere so I can be away from all thier crap and just.....cleanse myself of their excessive negativity and emotions. Sometimes I just like being alone enough that I can sing along full blast to the Backstreet Boys and not embarass myself.
No, what I mean by neing alone is being completely a l o n e. As in, there isnt' anyone in the house. Well....there's the pets....but otherwsie there's no one. And you sit there in one room.....and just...listen. Because you've run out of things to do. There's nothing you feel like doing.....becuase it's either homework or more reading and you're actually bored with reading. And alll you hear are the little things....
That distinct ringing noise of the house.......the rhythmic clicking of the clock.......the muffled whoosh of a car going by outside........
It's almost worse in a dorm. When you're the last one there after just being let out on break.....it's actually terrifying. There's just silence. And there's never silence on a college campus. It like what you'd imagine a ghost town would sound like. The loud nothingness.
The worst part about being alone at home though......is being alone when the darkness comes. Being alone at night.
I've always hated that. Always was terrified of it. I can't fall asleep.....I can't do much of anything out of my own jack-up paranoia. I listen to music or watch a little something....but the volume is low so I can hear everything around me. Anyone approaching....or the dog gbetting excited or agitated. Just to make sure...you know?
I'm a paranoid person, this I know. And my paranoia increases the longer I'm in solitude.....in the house....at night.
--So where the fuck is that boy who said he was going to see me this morning?--
I don't mean all the time. I love having solitude in nature. And there are times when all I want is to sit by myself away form everyone else's drama, somewhere so I can be away from all thier crap and just.....cleanse myself of their excessive negativity and emotions. Sometimes I just like being alone enough that I can sing along full blast to the Backstreet Boys and not embarass myself.
No, what I mean by neing alone is being completely a l o n e. As in, there isnt' anyone in the house. Well....there's the pets....but otherwsie there's no one. And you sit there in one room.....and just...listen. Because you've run out of things to do. There's nothing you feel like doing.....becuase it's either homework or more reading and you're actually bored with reading. And alll you hear are the little things....
That distinct ringing noise of the house.......the rhythmic clicking of the clock.......the muffled whoosh of a car going by outside........
It's almost worse in a dorm. When you're the last one there after just being let out on break.....it's actually terrifying. There's just silence. And there's never silence on a college campus. It like what you'd imagine a ghost town would sound like. The loud nothingness.
The worst part about being alone at home though......is being alone when the darkness comes. Being alone at night.
I've always hated that. Always was terrified of it. I can't fall asleep.....I can't do much of anything out of my own jack-up paranoia. I listen to music or watch a little something....but the volume is low so I can hear everything around me. Anyone approaching....or the dog gbetting excited or agitated. Just to make sure...you know?
I'm a paranoid person, this I know. And my paranoia increases the longer I'm in solitude.....in the house....at night.
--So where the fuck is that boy who said he was going to see me this morning?--
Monday, March 1, 2010
My Definition: Thoughts on the Future and Issues
The second half of senior readings was tonight. I went, and again found myself pondering the future as I sat there listening to Scott's introductions. He did a personal introduction to each of the Humanities seniors, each with a bit of humor and admiration.
It made me wonder, what will he say next year with my class? What will he say about my own writing? Will I be remembered as the girl who made up telepathic soulmates? Or for freaking out over readings but still getting through them? I don't know. I'm afraid to know.
I think I have all the time in the world to do things....but then I realize that it's already March of my Junior year in college. I'm losing two great friends in May, (probably going to bawl at graduation), I have to find a summer job and get my liscense (both of which I'm terrified of), and in the fall.....I'll be starting my final year here.
Last year before I am catapulted into reality.
School is almost cruel. You spend your years working hard, slacking off, having fun, and challenging yourself, all to get honor and glory for a brief moment...........honor and glory that the real world doesn't give two shits about.
Will the real world care that I was the first (and to my knoweledge, only) 3rd grader ever to get every single analogy correct on a state test? No one here cares; no one cared in high school for that matter. The same goes for any honor I get here.
What does the real world care if I can perform a decent monologue whilst using a Southern accent? Or that I can argue that The Odyssey was also an epic internal journey for Penelope, as much as it was a physical one for her husband and son? Or that I can connect on an emotional level with my own characters?
They just want to make sure I can count well enough to give them the correct change when I ring up their Big Mac and fries. Or that I actually have an American accent and can enunciate when I try to sell them some slop they can get for cheaper at Wal-Mart. That's what it comes down to. What I can do for them......because they sure as hell won't be doing anything for me.
I see such bright people within my class...and with these seniors. And I really, sincerely hope that the world doesn't trash them. Because I've seen what the wrold did to some of my more unfortunate classmates from high school. It shat on thier faces and then ran them over with a John Deere.
I don't want that for them. And I sure as hell don't want that for me.
Please God........cut my generation a little slack.
It made me wonder, what will he say next year with my class? What will he say about my own writing? Will I be remembered as the girl who made up telepathic soulmates? Or for freaking out over readings but still getting through them? I don't know. I'm afraid to know.
I think I have all the time in the world to do things....but then I realize that it's already March of my Junior year in college. I'm losing two great friends in May, (probably going to bawl at graduation), I have to find a summer job and get my liscense (both of which I'm terrified of), and in the fall.....I'll be starting my final year here.
Last year before I am catapulted into reality.
School is almost cruel. You spend your years working hard, slacking off, having fun, and challenging yourself, all to get honor and glory for a brief moment...........honor and glory that the real world doesn't give two shits about.
Will the real world care that I was the first (and to my knoweledge, only) 3rd grader ever to get every single analogy correct on a state test? No one here cares; no one cared in high school for that matter. The same goes for any honor I get here.
What does the real world care if I can perform a decent monologue whilst using a Southern accent? Or that I can argue that The Odyssey was also an epic internal journey for Penelope, as much as it was a physical one for her husband and son? Or that I can connect on an emotional level with my own characters?
They just want to make sure I can count well enough to give them the correct change when I ring up their Big Mac and fries. Or that I actually have an American accent and can enunciate when I try to sell them some slop they can get for cheaper at Wal-Mart. That's what it comes down to. What I can do for them......because they sure as hell won't be doing anything for me.
I see such bright people within my class...and with these seniors. And I really, sincerely hope that the world doesn't trash them. Because I've seen what the wrold did to some of my more unfortunate classmates from high school. It shat on thier faces and then ran them over with a John Deere.
I don't want that for them. And I sure as hell don't want that for me.
Please God........cut my generation a little slack.
On another note, tonight's reading made me think some more about another situation, that being my sanity.
Now, I know I'm crazy. I'm not quite sure as to what level of crazy I have reached but it's definitely up there somewhere. According to self-assessment tests I took last night, I have mild depression and moderate anxiety. Which, you know, was rather obvious.
As far as any other type of crazy goes, apparently officials need to do those tests. So, I don't know whether I'm bipolar or not. I looked over the symptoms last night, mildly reminding myself NOT to panic since I've become quite the hypochondriac within the past year. While, I will admit to not being able to concentrate as much.....and thoughts that jump around....and sometimes feeling sad....hopeless....or worthless.....it's not really that onset.
I don't feel like that all the time....and my highs could not be described as manic. I do do things on impulse sometimes but nothing to a dangerous degree. And that impulsiveness is rather rare as it is. And I never think about killing myself. I do think about freak accidents and people dying but that's mainly because A) I'm paranoid, B) I'm a worrywort, and C) I'm a writer. I think up ways in which people could die and/or be maimed. It kinda comes with the territory.
So, I really don't think I'm bipolar...because from the accounts of it...it does not match me at all.
Which leads me back to depression and anxiety. Depression, as mild as mine is, is just a matter of either talking ot people, adjusting sleep and eating patterns, and finding time to do the things that make me happy. I'm normal, pretty much.
Anxiety sometimes includes those feelings I'm also getting. Like, fearing that you're going crazy or about to lose your mind.....and the feeling that you're watching yourself from far away or that everything is either too vivid or not vivid enough.
I know..it's bad. And I know, there are medications that could probably clear everything up for me. But.....I cannot swallow pills. That inability aside, I don't really want to pollute myself with that crap. Which is partly why I sleep off headaches and have not even dared any kind of birth control. I just don't want that crap running through my system. I have enough icky going through me after I partake in a little drinkies. No need to make it a daily and continuous kind of thing.
Also, after tonight's reading, I remembered why again I did not even think again of doing so. Patty read her piece about being on Paxil, which her pediatrician prescribed her for her anxiety problem. She spent 7 years on it......and realized after awhile that she hadn't really been living life. A mind-altering drug had control over her, over her life.
And I don't want to have to deal with the same crap she did. I don't want to lose precious pieces of my life because I was off in la-la land, not really living. I don't want to be disconnected with everyone I care about. I don't want it. Not at all.
So whatever is going on with me......I'll figure out how to deal with it. If I need to talk to somebody about..then I will. But for now, I've got too much to do.
And by God, I will make myself do things. No more hermit girl......no more mime. That's what got me in this trouble to begin with. But that's not who I am.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Thoughts From the Middle of a Breakdown
The fun continues really. Now they’re making me choose between them. My boyfriend and my best friend. I feel like my life has turned into Twilight.
Both of them are making me pick only one. Doodle, through her passive aggressiveness and guilt trips and The Boy through telling me that no, he’s not making me choose, he’s MADE the choice for me. That there won’t be any event in which the two of them will both attend.
What about my birthdays? What about our wedding? What about baby christenings? What about publishing parties? What about every other milestone in life that I kind of expected both of them to be present for?
What now?
I told him to leave me alone tonight. I didn’t bother to reply to her last message. I just want to be alone. I just want to curl up into the tiniest little ball and stop feeling.
He said he loves me. She says she loves me.
How can they both love me and both continue to make me miserable by making me choose?
That’s the real question I want to fling at them, scream at them at the top of my lungs, throwing things at them, hitting them with everything in me. Why?
How the hell did it get to this point? How the hell did we all get to this one last checkmate? Which piece am I supposed to move? Should I even move at all?
What the hell am I supposed to do?
She drains everything in me, every bit as I try to keep up with her moods, her emotional neediness. I’m back at the same place I was last semester. Again, they want everything out of me. Everybody wants something. Everybody…..especially the two of them. Pulling me in two different directions, like I’m tied to two different horses set off to the East and to the West.
They all want a piece of me: my time, my attention, my friendship, my love, my ears, every bit of me. And I find I’m also in the same place Ex-Friend was right before she left. I give and give and after awhile, there’s not anything left to give.
I’m drained, I’m empty, there’s nothing left in of me.
So why the hell does it feel like everything inside of me is shattering into a million jagged pieces?
I want my mommy.....
Both of them are making me pick only one. Doodle, through her passive aggressiveness and guilt trips and The Boy through telling me that no, he’s not making me choose, he’s MADE the choice for me. That there won’t be any event in which the two of them will both attend.
What about my birthdays? What about our wedding? What about baby christenings? What about publishing parties? What about every other milestone in life that I kind of expected both of them to be present for?
What now?
I told him to leave me alone tonight. I didn’t bother to reply to her last message. I just want to be alone. I just want to curl up into the tiniest little ball and stop feeling.
He said he loves me. She says she loves me.
How can they both love me and both continue to make me miserable by making me choose?
That’s the real question I want to fling at them, scream at them at the top of my lungs, throwing things at them, hitting them with everything in me. Why?
How the hell did it get to this point? How the hell did we all get to this one last checkmate? Which piece am I supposed to move? Should I even move at all?
What the hell am I supposed to do?
She drains everything in me, every bit as I try to keep up with her moods, her emotional neediness. I’m back at the same place I was last semester. Again, they want everything out of me. Everybody wants something. Everybody…..especially the two of them. Pulling me in two different directions, like I’m tied to two different horses set off to the East and to the West.
They all want a piece of me: my time, my attention, my friendship, my love, my ears, every bit of me. And I find I’m also in the same place Ex-Friend was right before she left. I give and give and after awhile, there’s not anything left to give.
I’m drained, I’m empty, there’s nothing left in of me.
So why the hell does it feel like everything inside of me is shattering into a million jagged pieces?
I want my mommy.....
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Can't be expressed with words......
Numb
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
Can't you see that you're smothering me?
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control?
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
And I know I may end up failing too
But I know you were just like me
With someone disappointed in you
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
This Is Your Life
Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
Yesterday is a promise that you've broken
Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes
This is your life and today is all you've got now
Yeah, and today is all you'll ever have
Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be?
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose
Yesterday is a kid in the corner
Yesterday is dead and over
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be?
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose
Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes
This is your life are you who you want to be?
This is your life are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose
And you had everything to lose........
Drown
Good morning day
Sorry I’m not there
But all my favourite friends
Vanished in the air
It’s hard to fly when you can’t even run
Once I had the world, but now I’ve got no one
If I needed someone to control me
If I needed someone to hold me down
I would change my direction
And save myself before I--
If I needed someone to control me
If I needed someone to push me around
I would change my direction
And save myself before I drown….drown
Good morning day
Sorry you’re not here
All those times before
We’re never this unclear
It’s hard to walk when you can’t even crawl
Once I had this world, but now I’ve lost it all
If I needed someone to control me
If I needed someone to hold me down
I would change my direction
And save myself before I--
If I needed someone to control me
If I needed someone to push me around
I would change my direction
And save myself before I drown
Rolling faster than I’m breathing
Drown
Rolling faster than I’m breathing
Drown
Rolling faster than I’m breathing
If I needed someone to control me
If I needed someone to hold me down
I would change my direction
And save myself before I--
If I needed someone to control me
If I needed someone to push me around
I would change my direction
And save myself before I--
(Save myself before I drown, save myself before I drown, save myself before I drown)
Classifieds
My life reads like the classifieds.
Pages of what's for sale; what's on the auction block.
Attention bidders! It's Lot 45.
He's got a decent voice, he's got that crooked smile.
Hold on, you haven't heard the best yet.
He writes good storylines, he's got those honest eyes.
So take him home for just $9.95.
He'll sing the songs you like, he'll keep you warm at night.
Back down, cash out, that's the city for ya.
Break down and back out, and get what's coming to you.
When you said you were falling apart
I thought you meant that you were falling apart.
I'm not the type to forget about nights like this,when every single move that
I make is documented and scored for style points.
The once ambitious one now holds the smoking gun.
And if I die in my sleep, are you still willing to be everything you promised you would be?
Back down, cash out, that's the city for ya.
Break down and back out, and get what's coming to you.
When you said you were falling apart
I thought you meant that you were falling apart.
Will you be the first one to tell the neighborhood paper
And all my family and friends that still care?
Did you buy what I sold and did you feel what I told you?I
hope that you still do.
Will you promise yourself, that this isn't all we've got?
Back down, cash out, that's the city for ya.
Break down and back out, and get what's coming to you.
When you said you were falling apart
I thought you meant that you were falling apart.
Scars
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand
I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever come around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
Go fix yourself!
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
Shadow of the Day
I close both locks below the window
I close both blinds and turn away
Sometimes solutions aren't so simple
Sometimes goodbye's the only way
And the sun will set for you
The sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey
And the sun will set for you
In cards and flowers on your window
Your friends all plead for you to stay
Sometimes beginnings aren't so simple
Sometimes goodbye's the only way
And the sun will set for you
The sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey
And the sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey
And the sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey
And the sun will set for you
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
Can't you see that you're smothering me?
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control?
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
And I know I may end up failing too
But I know you were just like me
With someone disappointed in you
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
This Is Your Life
Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
Yesterday is a promise that you've broken
Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes
This is your life and today is all you've got now
Yeah, and today is all you'll ever have
Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be?
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose
Yesterday is a kid in the corner
Yesterday is dead and over
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be?
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose
Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes
This is your life are you who you want to be?
This is your life are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose
And you had everything to lose........
Drown
Good morning day
Sorry I’m not there
But all my favourite friends
Vanished in the air
It’s hard to fly when you can’t even run
Once I had the world, but now I’ve got no one
If I needed someone to control me
If I needed someone to hold me down
I would change my direction
And save myself before I--
If I needed someone to control me
If I needed someone to push me around
I would change my direction
And save myself before I drown….drown
Good morning day
Sorry you’re not here
All those times before
We’re never this unclear
It’s hard to walk when you can’t even crawl
Once I had this world, but now I’ve lost it all
If I needed someone to control me
If I needed someone to hold me down
I would change my direction
And save myself before I--
If I needed someone to control me
If I needed someone to push me around
I would change my direction
And save myself before I drown
Rolling faster than I’m breathing
Drown
Rolling faster than I’m breathing
Drown
Rolling faster than I’m breathing
If I needed someone to control me
If I needed someone to hold me down
I would change my direction
And save myself before I--
If I needed someone to control me
If I needed someone to push me around
I would change my direction
And save myself before I--
(Save myself before I drown, save myself before I drown, save myself before I drown)
Classifieds
My life reads like the classifieds.
Pages of what's for sale; what's on the auction block.
Attention bidders! It's Lot 45.
He's got a decent voice, he's got that crooked smile.
Hold on, you haven't heard the best yet.
He writes good storylines, he's got those honest eyes.
So take him home for just $9.95.
He'll sing the songs you like, he'll keep you warm at night.
Back down, cash out, that's the city for ya.
Break down and back out, and get what's coming to you.
When you said you were falling apart
I thought you meant that you were falling apart.
I'm not the type to forget about nights like this,when every single move that
I make is documented and scored for style points.
The once ambitious one now holds the smoking gun.
And if I die in my sleep, are you still willing to be everything you promised you would be?
Back down, cash out, that's the city for ya.
Break down and back out, and get what's coming to you.
When you said you were falling apart
I thought you meant that you were falling apart.
Will you be the first one to tell the neighborhood paper
And all my family and friends that still care?
Did you buy what I sold and did you feel what I told you?I
hope that you still do.
Will you promise yourself, that this isn't all we've got?
Back down, cash out, that's the city for ya.
Break down and back out, and get what's coming to you.
When you said you were falling apart
I thought you meant that you were falling apart.
Scars
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand
I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever come around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
Go fix yourself!
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
Shadow of the Day
I close both locks below the window
I close both blinds and turn away
Sometimes solutions aren't so simple
Sometimes goodbye's the only way
And the sun will set for you
The sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey
And the sun will set for you
In cards and flowers on your window
Your friends all plead for you to stay
Sometimes beginnings aren't so simple
Sometimes goodbye's the only way
And the sun will set for you
The sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey
And the sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey
And the sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey
And the sun will set for you
Thursday, February 4, 2010
I'm Not Crazy, I'm Just a Little Unwell
So I can hardly believe I'm doing this.....but I thought about the different sides of me. Danny has named all of her personalities.......and that got me thinking about my own.
I have thought about parts of myself before.....the little voice that warns me; the two warring pieces of me: impulsive and the one that says think before you leap; that frightening, almost evil part of me that honestly scares the shit out of myself. But I never thought of them as ....their own...identity. They're just peices of myself....some of which are quite annoying.
anyways.......after talking to Danny......these...parts of myself started coming out of the woodwork. I could identify them.....by sight....and then..by name.
So I guess I'm just as crazy as you are, Danny.
Well....I already knew I had problems........what's a little mutiple personality disrder on top of schizophrenia?
So here they are: (*shakes head*)
Scarlett: The horny and lustful one. Seriously. All horny, all the time. Seductress. Will do anything (and I mean, ANYTHING) anywhere, location doesn't really matter. Perverted, full of innuendos. Dirty jokester. Knows she is sexy.
Mouse: The paranoid one. Sees danger everywhere. Mistrusts everyone and everything. Locks and double-locks. Watches back constantly. Always carrying something on her to defend herself. Worries over things that might happen. Has anxiety issues. Hypochrondriac. OCD. Schizophrenic. Claustrophonic. Arachnaphobic. Dystychiphobic. Monophobic. Bogyphobic. Scelerophobic. Taphophobic. Cancerophobic. Pnigophobic. Necrophobic. Nyctophobic. Thanatophobic. Daemonophobic. Monopathophobic. Pyrophobic. Aviophobic. Nosocomephobic. Lilapsophobic. Brontophobic. Tetanophobic. Cynophobic. Virginitiphobic. Agraphobic. Dermatosiophobic. Social Phobia. Tomophobic. Kenophobic. Automatanophobic.
Maala: The scary/angry one. Red eyes. Full of wrath. Lethal eyes. Has no control over actions. Can make anything into a weapon. Frightens Mouse on a daily basis....and laughs about this. Lives off of negative emotions. So hurt that all that's left is the anger.
Cosmic: The hyperactive one. Happy, zooms around. Optimistic as hell. Laughs constantly. A little bit wacky. A bad match when with Madge.
Alice: The dependent one. Fearful and afraid of being alone. Cannot be independent. Holding self back. Needs others to get through the day. Leans on twin.
Lena: The shy one. Alice's twin. Quiet, observant. Afraid to be self. Afraid to be ridiculed. Most likely to become a hermit....if it weren't for Alice, who depends on her.
Shiloh: The depressed one. Believes she is worthless. Thinks that if people truly knew her, they'd hate her. Keeps to self, loner. Prone to skulking in dark corners and listening to angry music. Thinks she can not do anything right. Cynical as hell. Pessimist.
Ming: The introspective one. Quiet, mainly because she looks inside self. Has eyes that really see. Says little but means much because says what she feels. Moves about through the others, trying to avoid spending too much time with Shiloh or Maala. Overanalyzes everything. Tries to connect with everything, find connections between people and the world.
Masquerade: The fake one. Not sure who she is. Tries to be many things. Acts how she percieves people expect her to act. Fake smile, laugh, emotion. Underneath it, she is lost.
Kitty: The childish/child-like one. Optimistic. Nieve. Holds onto ideas and past dreams liek a lifeline. Believes anything can happen. Thinks if she wishes hard enough, gumballs would rain from the sky. Woud jup off a roof with a cape, she will fly. Loves cute things and toys. Shouldn't be around Cosmic or Madge for long periods of time.
Sayuri: The protective one. So full of love, she would protect those she cares about to the death. Think mama bear. Very defensive. Watchful. Has a twin with nearly the same temperment.
Madge: The insane/impulsive one. Doesn't really make her known that much. Prefers to hang back until Kitty or Cosmic are ahead--then she tends to charge forward. Does not think before she acts. Pretty much Mouse's polar opposite. Favorite quote: This doesn't make sense--and neither do I.
Asta: The strong one. Sayuri's twin. Can be rather raar at times, usually in defense. Gathers her abilities from Sayuri. Has a bit of a "fuck 'em" attitude when it comes to facing adversity. Believes she can do anything she puts her mind to. Wont back down. Strong sense of justice.
Stardance Trizt'n: The hippie one. Nature is her god (or is it goddess?) Would live in the woods if she could. Talks to trees. Has connections with animals. Looks for more of what's out there, in the physical and spiritual sense. Only mildly roar when defending what she loves. Then she looks for Asta's help.
Mared: The indecisive one. Cannot make up her mind to save her life. Doesn't really know where she's going or what she's doing. Takes her forever to make up her mind about ANYTHING. Sometimes is found still sitting in the same spot because she couldn't figure out what to wear that day. Avoids problems. Runs away. Nearly hopeless.
So...tadah!
Unwell--Matchbox Twenty
All day starin' at the ceilin' makin' friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices tellin' me that I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for somethin'
Hold on, feelin' like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be.... me
I'm talkin' to myself in public, dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talkin' about me
I can hear them whisper, and it makes me think
There must be somethin' wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinkin', somehow I've lost my mind
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
I've been talkin' in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're takin' me away
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be, how I used to be
I'm just a little unwell........
I have thought about parts of myself before.....the little voice that warns me; the two warring pieces of me: impulsive and the one that says think before you leap; that frightening, almost evil part of me that honestly scares the shit out of myself. But I never thought of them as ....their own...identity. They're just peices of myself....some of which are quite annoying.
anyways.......after talking to Danny......these...parts of myself started coming out of the woodwork. I could identify them.....by sight....and then..by name.
So I guess I'm just as crazy as you are, Danny.
Well....I already knew I had problems........what's a little mutiple personality disrder on top of schizophrenia?
So here they are: (*shakes head*)
Scarlett: The horny and lustful one. Seriously. All horny, all the time. Seductress. Will do anything (and I mean, ANYTHING) anywhere, location doesn't really matter. Perverted, full of innuendos. Dirty jokester. Knows she is sexy.
Mouse: The paranoid one. Sees danger everywhere. Mistrusts everyone and everything. Locks and double-locks. Watches back constantly. Always carrying something on her to defend herself. Worries over things that might happen. Has anxiety issues. Hypochrondriac. OCD. Schizophrenic. Claustrophonic. Arachnaphobic. Dystychiphobic. Monophobic. Bogyphobic. Scelerophobic. Taphophobic. Cancerophobic. Pnigophobic. Necrophobic. Nyctophobic. Thanatophobic. Daemonophobic. Monopathophobic. Pyrophobic. Aviophobic. Nosocomephobic. Lilapsophobic. Brontophobic. Tetanophobic. Cynophobic. Virginitiphobic. Agraphobic. Dermatosiophobic. Social Phobia. Tomophobic. Kenophobic. Automatanophobic.
Maala: The scary/angry one. Red eyes. Full of wrath. Lethal eyes. Has no control over actions. Can make anything into a weapon. Frightens Mouse on a daily basis....and laughs about this. Lives off of negative emotions. So hurt that all that's left is the anger.
Cosmic: The hyperactive one. Happy, zooms around. Optimistic as hell. Laughs constantly. A little bit wacky. A bad match when with Madge.
Alice: The dependent one. Fearful and afraid of being alone. Cannot be independent. Holding self back. Needs others to get through the day. Leans on twin.
Lena: The shy one. Alice's twin. Quiet, observant. Afraid to be self. Afraid to be ridiculed. Most likely to become a hermit....if it weren't for Alice, who depends on her.
Shiloh: The depressed one. Believes she is worthless. Thinks that if people truly knew her, they'd hate her. Keeps to self, loner. Prone to skulking in dark corners and listening to angry music. Thinks she can not do anything right. Cynical as hell. Pessimist.
Ming: The introspective one. Quiet, mainly because she looks inside self. Has eyes that really see. Says little but means much because says what she feels. Moves about through the others, trying to avoid spending too much time with Shiloh or Maala. Overanalyzes everything. Tries to connect with everything, find connections between people and the world.
Masquerade: The fake one. Not sure who she is. Tries to be many things. Acts how she percieves people expect her to act. Fake smile, laugh, emotion. Underneath it, she is lost.
Kitty: The childish/child-like one. Optimistic. Nieve. Holds onto ideas and past dreams liek a lifeline. Believes anything can happen. Thinks if she wishes hard enough, gumballs would rain from the sky. Woud jup off a roof with a cape, she will fly. Loves cute things and toys. Shouldn't be around Cosmic or Madge for long periods of time.
Sayuri: The protective one. So full of love, she would protect those she cares about to the death. Think mama bear. Very defensive. Watchful. Has a twin with nearly the same temperment.
Madge: The insane/impulsive one. Doesn't really make her known that much. Prefers to hang back until Kitty or Cosmic are ahead--then she tends to charge forward. Does not think before she acts. Pretty much Mouse's polar opposite. Favorite quote: This doesn't make sense--and neither do I.
Asta: The strong one. Sayuri's twin. Can be rather raar at times, usually in defense. Gathers her abilities from Sayuri. Has a bit of a "fuck 'em" attitude when it comes to facing adversity. Believes she can do anything she puts her mind to. Wont back down. Strong sense of justice.
Stardance Trizt'n: The hippie one. Nature is her god (or is it goddess?) Would live in the woods if she could. Talks to trees. Has connections with animals. Looks for more of what's out there, in the physical and spiritual sense. Only mildly roar when defending what she loves. Then she looks for Asta's help.
Mared: The indecisive one. Cannot make up her mind to save her life. Doesn't really know where she's going or what she's doing. Takes her forever to make up her mind about ANYTHING. Sometimes is found still sitting in the same spot because she couldn't figure out what to wear that day. Avoids problems. Runs away. Nearly hopeless.
So...tadah!
Unwell--Matchbox Twenty
All day starin' at the ceilin' makin' friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices tellin' me that I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for somethin'
Hold on, feelin' like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be.... me
I'm talkin' to myself in public, dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talkin' about me
I can hear them whisper, and it makes me think
There must be somethin' wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinkin', somehow I've lost my mind
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
I've been talkin' in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're takin' me away
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be, how I used to be
I'm just a little unwell........
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Too Damn Nieve to Give a Damn
In my Women of Color class we've been reading Arranged Marriage stories. They're a series of tales about different Indian women and thier empowering moments. The tales have bittersweet endings to them, usually after finding that they cannot rely on men or that their own families or husbands are destroying them as opposed to loving them as they should.
It's a matter of culture.
This is not the only book along those lines we're going to read this semester. We're taking a look at Their Eyes Were Watching God, which I remember absolutely hating in high school. We're also taking a look at The Joy Luck Club which I know is pretty sad and How the Garcia Girls Lost Thier Accents, which though I'm aware that it's bittersweet in parts, I am looking forward to it becuase I love Julia Alvarez.
Still the major theme is empowerment through sad or bad times. Depressing stories basically. And a certain way of looking at men and questioning relations with them. Maybe I wasn't cut out for this class........
I know it's silly to only want to read happy things. I know it's childish to expect there to be Happy Ever Afters and birds tweeting around my head 24/7. I know Disney and etc. builds your hopes up about life, about the way things should be. It's all fiction, not fact.
But, honestly, reality is far too cold and cruel to want to live in it very long. I know there are bad things out there. I acknowledge them strongly. I have seen through movies (based in truth and fiction), the news and reading of events how cruel the world can really be. I have heard through personal accounts of how horrible people can treat one another, what horror that small kids end up seeing. Though I may not have experienced it, no one could call me nieve. I know, not from personal experience, but from connecting, from feeling so strongly what that person must have gone through. Empathy, an almost painful emotion.
So, I can read these books and get through them and try to analyze past the poetic and sad words but I'm still going to have to read The Lorax or Beauty and the Beast or Tweleve Dancing Princesses or East of the Sun and West of the Moon before I go to sleep. Because I don't like nightmares. Because I honestly can't sleep after reading about such depressing things becuase my brain likes to think about everything in my life, analyze every single detail at that time.
At 2 in the morning I can convince myself that I'm worthless, going nowhere and too relient on people who will betray me. Pretty much like any characters I've been reading about. I hate 2 am.
The doubts creep in my mind as I try to take my life and analyze each little bit, each faulty line, like I'm reading something for class or critiquing someone's piece. It's frustrating and I hate it when my brain works overtime making big deals out of nothing and causing more anxiety than what I'm already fighting off.
So I'll stick with my nearly always predicatble set-up love comedies. I'll read Harlequin, because no matter how cheesy they can be, one thing is always certain: There will always be a happy ending. And that's what I truly believe. There is always a happy ending out there.......it's just that there seems to be a hell of a lot of strife in the world, getting in the way of that happiness.
Maybe I am nieve. Maybe I'm too simple.
I do like challenging works. I love Fahrenheit 451 and A Raisin in the Sun. The thing is....with those two, there's an uncertain ending but there is one thing left to those characters: hope. There is hope seeping out of the pages.
I think we could all use a little more hope.
But there is need to cheesy work out there. There is need for a happy ending, for laughter and true love. Nothing is as perfect as it can seem in some stories, but I think you have to take that into account.
Sure, nothing's going to be as great as the ending of a Disney movie. But, there can still be happiness. There can still be love. There can still be finding some kind of contentment out there. I don't care if I'm too simple that I'm amused by commercial lit like Meg Cabot, Roald Dahl, J.K. Rowling, and Mary Janice Davidson. I don't care if I detest war movies or need to see most chick flicks that come out. I don't care if people tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about or the divorce rate is to high or that there is too much shit going on in the world. I don't care if I don't ever watch the news again.
I cannot believe that the world is doomed to sadness. I cannot beleive that The Boy will try to control me or beat me like men have done for centuries. I cannot believe that my family will betray me for what they want out of life. I know I'm way too dependent on The Boy, Doodle, my friends here, my parents. But that's who I am....I'm a very dependent personality. But it's not like this is holding me back. Relying on them is what keeps me going, what makes me strong. I take my strength from that support.
And I see no reason why I should need to drop everything in my life to be empowered. I am simply empowered by the people around me. I don't need to go it alone, Zora; Chitra; Louise......
And this was a really long rant about nothing. Well....at least this won't come out in the middle of class........
It's a matter of culture.
This is not the only book along those lines we're going to read this semester. We're taking a look at Their Eyes Were Watching God, which I remember absolutely hating in high school. We're also taking a look at The Joy Luck Club which I know is pretty sad and How the Garcia Girls Lost Thier Accents, which though I'm aware that it's bittersweet in parts, I am looking forward to it becuase I love Julia Alvarez.
Still the major theme is empowerment through sad or bad times. Depressing stories basically. And a certain way of looking at men and questioning relations with them. Maybe I wasn't cut out for this class........
I know it's silly to only want to read happy things. I know it's childish to expect there to be Happy Ever Afters and birds tweeting around my head 24/7. I know Disney and etc. builds your hopes up about life, about the way things should be. It's all fiction, not fact.
But, honestly, reality is far too cold and cruel to want to live in it very long. I know there are bad things out there. I acknowledge them strongly. I have seen through movies (based in truth and fiction), the news and reading of events how cruel the world can really be. I have heard through personal accounts of how horrible people can treat one another, what horror that small kids end up seeing. Though I may not have experienced it, no one could call me nieve. I know, not from personal experience, but from connecting, from feeling so strongly what that person must have gone through. Empathy, an almost painful emotion.
So, I can read these books and get through them and try to analyze past the poetic and sad words but I'm still going to have to read The Lorax or Beauty and the Beast or Tweleve Dancing Princesses or East of the Sun and West of the Moon before I go to sleep. Because I don't like nightmares. Because I honestly can't sleep after reading about such depressing things becuase my brain likes to think about everything in my life, analyze every single detail at that time.
At 2 in the morning I can convince myself that I'm worthless, going nowhere and too relient on people who will betray me. Pretty much like any characters I've been reading about. I hate 2 am.
The doubts creep in my mind as I try to take my life and analyze each little bit, each faulty line, like I'm reading something for class or critiquing someone's piece. It's frustrating and I hate it when my brain works overtime making big deals out of nothing and causing more anxiety than what I'm already fighting off.
So I'll stick with my nearly always predicatble set-up love comedies. I'll read Harlequin, because no matter how cheesy they can be, one thing is always certain: There will always be a happy ending. And that's what I truly believe. There is always a happy ending out there.......it's just that there seems to be a hell of a lot of strife in the world, getting in the way of that happiness.
Maybe I am nieve. Maybe I'm too simple.
I do like challenging works. I love Fahrenheit 451 and A Raisin in the Sun. The thing is....with those two, there's an uncertain ending but there is one thing left to those characters: hope. There is hope seeping out of the pages.
I think we could all use a little more hope.
But there is need to cheesy work out there. There is need for a happy ending, for laughter and true love. Nothing is as perfect as it can seem in some stories, but I think you have to take that into account.
Sure, nothing's going to be as great as the ending of a Disney movie. But, there can still be happiness. There can still be love. There can still be finding some kind of contentment out there. I don't care if I'm too simple that I'm amused by commercial lit like Meg Cabot, Roald Dahl, J.K. Rowling, and Mary Janice Davidson. I don't care if I detest war movies or need to see most chick flicks that come out. I don't care if people tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about or the divorce rate is to high or that there is too much shit going on in the world. I don't care if I don't ever watch the news again.
I cannot believe that the world is doomed to sadness. I cannot beleive that The Boy will try to control me or beat me like men have done for centuries. I cannot believe that my family will betray me for what they want out of life. I know I'm way too dependent on The Boy, Doodle, my friends here, my parents. But that's who I am....I'm a very dependent personality. But it's not like this is holding me back. Relying on them is what keeps me going, what makes me strong. I take my strength from that support.
And I see no reason why I should need to drop everything in my life to be empowered. I am simply empowered by the people around me. I don't need to go it alone, Zora; Chitra; Louise......
And this was a really long rant about nothing. Well....at least this won't come out in the middle of class........
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