The fun continues really. Now they’re making me choose between them. My boyfriend and my best friend. I feel like my life has turned into Twilight.
Both of them are making me pick only one. Doodle, through her passive aggressiveness and guilt trips and The Boy through telling me that no, he’s not making me choose, he’s MADE the choice for me. That there won’t be any event in which the two of them will both attend.
What about my birthdays? What about our wedding? What about baby christenings? What about publishing parties? What about every other milestone in life that I kind of expected both of them to be present for?
What now?
I told him to leave me alone tonight. I didn’t bother to reply to her last message. I just want to be alone. I just want to curl up into the tiniest little ball and stop feeling.
He said he loves me. She says she loves me.
How can they both love me and both continue to make me miserable by making me choose?
That’s the real question I want to fling at them, scream at them at the top of my lungs, throwing things at them, hitting them with everything in me. Why?
How the hell did it get to this point? How the hell did we all get to this one last checkmate? Which piece am I supposed to move? Should I even move at all?
What the hell am I supposed to do?
She drains everything in me, every bit as I try to keep up with her moods, her emotional neediness. I’m back at the same place I was last semester. Again, they want everything out of me. Everybody wants something. Everybody…..especially the two of them. Pulling me in two different directions, like I’m tied to two different horses set off to the East and to the West.
They all want a piece of me: my time, my attention, my friendship, my love, my ears, every bit of me. And I find I’m also in the same place Ex-Friend was right before she left. I give and give and after awhile, there’s not anything left to give.
I’m drained, I’m empty, there’s nothing left in of me.
So why the hell does it feel like everything inside of me is shattering into a million jagged pieces?
I want my mommy.....
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Can't be expressed with words......
Numb
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
Can't you see that you're smothering me?
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control?
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
And I know I may end up failing too
But I know you were just like me
With someone disappointed in you
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
This Is Your Life
Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
Yesterday is a promise that you've broken
Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes
This is your life and today is all you've got now
Yeah, and today is all you'll ever have
Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be?
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose
Yesterday is a kid in the corner
Yesterday is dead and over
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be?
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose
Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes
This is your life are you who you want to be?
This is your life are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose
And you had everything to lose........
Drown
Good morning day
Sorry I’m not there
But all my favourite friends
Vanished in the air
It’s hard to fly when you can’t even run
Once I had the world, but now I’ve got no one
If I needed someone to control me
If I needed someone to hold me down
I would change my direction
And save myself before I--
If I needed someone to control me
If I needed someone to push me around
I would change my direction
And save myself before I drown….drown
Good morning day
Sorry you’re not here
All those times before
We’re never this unclear
It’s hard to walk when you can’t even crawl
Once I had this world, but now I’ve lost it all
If I needed someone to control me
If I needed someone to hold me down
I would change my direction
And save myself before I--
If I needed someone to control me
If I needed someone to push me around
I would change my direction
And save myself before I drown
Rolling faster than I’m breathing
Drown
Rolling faster than I’m breathing
Drown
Rolling faster than I’m breathing
If I needed someone to control me
If I needed someone to hold me down
I would change my direction
And save myself before I--
If I needed someone to control me
If I needed someone to push me around
I would change my direction
And save myself before I--
(Save myself before I drown, save myself before I drown, save myself before I drown)
Classifieds
My life reads like the classifieds.
Pages of what's for sale; what's on the auction block.
Attention bidders! It's Lot 45.
He's got a decent voice, he's got that crooked smile.
Hold on, you haven't heard the best yet.
He writes good storylines, he's got those honest eyes.
So take him home for just $9.95.
He'll sing the songs you like, he'll keep you warm at night.
Back down, cash out, that's the city for ya.
Break down and back out, and get what's coming to you.
When you said you were falling apart
I thought you meant that you were falling apart.
I'm not the type to forget about nights like this,when every single move that
I make is documented and scored for style points.
The once ambitious one now holds the smoking gun.
And if I die in my sleep, are you still willing to be everything you promised you would be?
Back down, cash out, that's the city for ya.
Break down and back out, and get what's coming to you.
When you said you were falling apart
I thought you meant that you were falling apart.
Will you be the first one to tell the neighborhood paper
And all my family and friends that still care?
Did you buy what I sold and did you feel what I told you?I
hope that you still do.
Will you promise yourself, that this isn't all we've got?
Back down, cash out, that's the city for ya.
Break down and back out, and get what's coming to you.
When you said you were falling apart
I thought you meant that you were falling apart.
Scars
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand
I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever come around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
Go fix yourself!
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
Shadow of the Day
I close both locks below the window
I close both blinds and turn away
Sometimes solutions aren't so simple
Sometimes goodbye's the only way
And the sun will set for you
The sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey
And the sun will set for you
In cards and flowers on your window
Your friends all plead for you to stay
Sometimes beginnings aren't so simple
Sometimes goodbye's the only way
And the sun will set for you
The sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey
And the sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey
And the sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey
And the sun will set for you
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
Can't you see that you're smothering me?
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control?
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
And I know I may end up failing too
But I know you were just like me
With someone disappointed in you
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
This Is Your Life
Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
Yesterday is a promise that you've broken
Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes
This is your life and today is all you've got now
Yeah, and today is all you'll ever have
Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be?
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose
Yesterday is a kid in the corner
Yesterday is dead and over
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be?
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose
Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes
This is your life are you who you want to be?
This is your life are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose
And you had everything to lose........
Drown
Good morning day
Sorry I’m not there
But all my favourite friends
Vanished in the air
It’s hard to fly when you can’t even run
Once I had the world, but now I’ve got no one
If I needed someone to control me
If I needed someone to hold me down
I would change my direction
And save myself before I--
If I needed someone to control me
If I needed someone to push me around
I would change my direction
And save myself before I drown….drown
Good morning day
Sorry you’re not here
All those times before
We’re never this unclear
It’s hard to walk when you can’t even crawl
Once I had this world, but now I’ve lost it all
If I needed someone to control me
If I needed someone to hold me down
I would change my direction
And save myself before I--
If I needed someone to control me
If I needed someone to push me around
I would change my direction
And save myself before I drown
Rolling faster than I’m breathing
Drown
Rolling faster than I’m breathing
Drown
Rolling faster than I’m breathing
If I needed someone to control me
If I needed someone to hold me down
I would change my direction
And save myself before I--
If I needed someone to control me
If I needed someone to push me around
I would change my direction
And save myself before I--
(Save myself before I drown, save myself before I drown, save myself before I drown)
Classifieds
My life reads like the classifieds.
Pages of what's for sale; what's on the auction block.
Attention bidders! It's Lot 45.
He's got a decent voice, he's got that crooked smile.
Hold on, you haven't heard the best yet.
He writes good storylines, he's got those honest eyes.
So take him home for just $9.95.
He'll sing the songs you like, he'll keep you warm at night.
Back down, cash out, that's the city for ya.
Break down and back out, and get what's coming to you.
When you said you were falling apart
I thought you meant that you were falling apart.
I'm not the type to forget about nights like this,when every single move that
I make is documented and scored for style points.
The once ambitious one now holds the smoking gun.
And if I die in my sleep, are you still willing to be everything you promised you would be?
Back down, cash out, that's the city for ya.
Break down and back out, and get what's coming to you.
When you said you were falling apart
I thought you meant that you were falling apart.
Will you be the first one to tell the neighborhood paper
And all my family and friends that still care?
Did you buy what I sold and did you feel what I told you?I
hope that you still do.
Will you promise yourself, that this isn't all we've got?
Back down, cash out, that's the city for ya.
Break down and back out, and get what's coming to you.
When you said you were falling apart
I thought you meant that you were falling apart.
Scars
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand
I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever come around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
Go fix yourself!
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
Shadow of the Day
I close both locks below the window
I close both blinds and turn away
Sometimes solutions aren't so simple
Sometimes goodbye's the only way
And the sun will set for you
The sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey
And the sun will set for you
In cards and flowers on your window
Your friends all plead for you to stay
Sometimes beginnings aren't so simple
Sometimes goodbye's the only way
And the sun will set for you
The sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey
And the sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey
And the sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey
And the sun will set for you
Thursday, February 4, 2010
I'm Not Crazy, I'm Just a Little Unwell
So I can hardly believe I'm doing this.....but I thought about the different sides of me. Danny has named all of her personalities.......and that got me thinking about my own.
I have thought about parts of myself before.....the little voice that warns me; the two warring pieces of me: impulsive and the one that says think before you leap; that frightening, almost evil part of me that honestly scares the shit out of myself. But I never thought of them as ....their own...identity. They're just peices of myself....some of which are quite annoying.
anyways.......after talking to Danny......these...parts of myself started coming out of the woodwork. I could identify them.....by sight....and then..by name.
So I guess I'm just as crazy as you are, Danny.
Well....I already knew I had problems........what's a little mutiple personality disrder on top of schizophrenia?
So here they are: (*shakes head*)
Scarlett: The horny and lustful one. Seriously. All horny, all the time. Seductress. Will do anything (and I mean, ANYTHING) anywhere, location doesn't really matter. Perverted, full of innuendos. Dirty jokester. Knows she is sexy.
Mouse: The paranoid one. Sees danger everywhere. Mistrusts everyone and everything. Locks and double-locks. Watches back constantly. Always carrying something on her to defend herself. Worries over things that might happen. Has anxiety issues. Hypochrondriac. OCD. Schizophrenic. Claustrophonic. Arachnaphobic. Dystychiphobic. Monophobic. Bogyphobic. Scelerophobic. Taphophobic. Cancerophobic. Pnigophobic. Necrophobic. Nyctophobic. Thanatophobic. Daemonophobic. Monopathophobic. Pyrophobic. Aviophobic. Nosocomephobic. Lilapsophobic. Brontophobic. Tetanophobic. Cynophobic. Virginitiphobic. Agraphobic. Dermatosiophobic. Social Phobia. Tomophobic. Kenophobic. Automatanophobic.
Maala: The scary/angry one. Red eyes. Full of wrath. Lethal eyes. Has no control over actions. Can make anything into a weapon. Frightens Mouse on a daily basis....and laughs about this. Lives off of negative emotions. So hurt that all that's left is the anger.
Cosmic: The hyperactive one. Happy, zooms around. Optimistic as hell. Laughs constantly. A little bit wacky. A bad match when with Madge.
Alice: The dependent one. Fearful and afraid of being alone. Cannot be independent. Holding self back. Needs others to get through the day. Leans on twin.
Lena: The shy one. Alice's twin. Quiet, observant. Afraid to be self. Afraid to be ridiculed. Most likely to become a hermit....if it weren't for Alice, who depends on her.
Shiloh: The depressed one. Believes she is worthless. Thinks that if people truly knew her, they'd hate her. Keeps to self, loner. Prone to skulking in dark corners and listening to angry music. Thinks she can not do anything right. Cynical as hell. Pessimist.
Ming: The introspective one. Quiet, mainly because she looks inside self. Has eyes that really see. Says little but means much because says what she feels. Moves about through the others, trying to avoid spending too much time with Shiloh or Maala. Overanalyzes everything. Tries to connect with everything, find connections between people and the world.
Masquerade: The fake one. Not sure who she is. Tries to be many things. Acts how she percieves people expect her to act. Fake smile, laugh, emotion. Underneath it, she is lost.
Kitty: The childish/child-like one. Optimistic. Nieve. Holds onto ideas and past dreams liek a lifeline. Believes anything can happen. Thinks if she wishes hard enough, gumballs would rain from the sky. Woud jup off a roof with a cape, she will fly. Loves cute things and toys. Shouldn't be around Cosmic or Madge for long periods of time.
Sayuri: The protective one. So full of love, she would protect those she cares about to the death. Think mama bear. Very defensive. Watchful. Has a twin with nearly the same temperment.
Madge: The insane/impulsive one. Doesn't really make her known that much. Prefers to hang back until Kitty or Cosmic are ahead--then she tends to charge forward. Does not think before she acts. Pretty much Mouse's polar opposite. Favorite quote: This doesn't make sense--and neither do I.
Asta: The strong one. Sayuri's twin. Can be rather raar at times, usually in defense. Gathers her abilities from Sayuri. Has a bit of a "fuck 'em" attitude when it comes to facing adversity. Believes she can do anything she puts her mind to. Wont back down. Strong sense of justice.
Stardance Trizt'n: The hippie one. Nature is her god (or is it goddess?) Would live in the woods if she could. Talks to trees. Has connections with animals. Looks for more of what's out there, in the physical and spiritual sense. Only mildly roar when defending what she loves. Then she looks for Asta's help.
Mared: The indecisive one. Cannot make up her mind to save her life. Doesn't really know where she's going or what she's doing. Takes her forever to make up her mind about ANYTHING. Sometimes is found still sitting in the same spot because she couldn't figure out what to wear that day. Avoids problems. Runs away. Nearly hopeless.
So...tadah!
Unwell--Matchbox Twenty
All day starin' at the ceilin' makin' friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices tellin' me that I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for somethin'
Hold on, feelin' like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be.... me
I'm talkin' to myself in public, dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talkin' about me
I can hear them whisper, and it makes me think
There must be somethin' wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinkin', somehow I've lost my mind
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
I've been talkin' in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're takin' me away
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be, how I used to be
I'm just a little unwell........
I have thought about parts of myself before.....the little voice that warns me; the two warring pieces of me: impulsive and the one that says think before you leap; that frightening, almost evil part of me that honestly scares the shit out of myself. But I never thought of them as ....their own...identity. They're just peices of myself....some of which are quite annoying.
anyways.......after talking to Danny......these...parts of myself started coming out of the woodwork. I could identify them.....by sight....and then..by name.
So I guess I'm just as crazy as you are, Danny.
Well....I already knew I had problems........what's a little mutiple personality disrder on top of schizophrenia?
So here they are: (*shakes head*)
Scarlett: The horny and lustful one. Seriously. All horny, all the time. Seductress. Will do anything (and I mean, ANYTHING) anywhere, location doesn't really matter. Perverted, full of innuendos. Dirty jokester. Knows she is sexy.
Mouse: The paranoid one. Sees danger everywhere. Mistrusts everyone and everything. Locks and double-locks. Watches back constantly. Always carrying something on her to defend herself. Worries over things that might happen. Has anxiety issues. Hypochrondriac. OCD. Schizophrenic. Claustrophonic. Arachnaphobic. Dystychiphobic. Monophobic. Bogyphobic. Scelerophobic. Taphophobic. Cancerophobic. Pnigophobic. Necrophobic. Nyctophobic. Thanatophobic. Daemonophobic. Monopathophobic. Pyrophobic. Aviophobic. Nosocomephobic. Lilapsophobic. Brontophobic. Tetanophobic. Cynophobic. Virginitiphobic. Agraphobic. Dermatosiophobic. Social Phobia. Tomophobic. Kenophobic. Automatanophobic.
Maala: The scary/angry one. Red eyes. Full of wrath. Lethal eyes. Has no control over actions. Can make anything into a weapon. Frightens Mouse on a daily basis....and laughs about this. Lives off of negative emotions. So hurt that all that's left is the anger.
Cosmic: The hyperactive one. Happy, zooms around. Optimistic as hell. Laughs constantly. A little bit wacky. A bad match when with Madge.
Alice: The dependent one. Fearful and afraid of being alone. Cannot be independent. Holding self back. Needs others to get through the day. Leans on twin.
Lena: The shy one. Alice's twin. Quiet, observant. Afraid to be self. Afraid to be ridiculed. Most likely to become a hermit....if it weren't for Alice, who depends on her.
Shiloh: The depressed one. Believes she is worthless. Thinks that if people truly knew her, they'd hate her. Keeps to self, loner. Prone to skulking in dark corners and listening to angry music. Thinks she can not do anything right. Cynical as hell. Pessimist.
Ming: The introspective one. Quiet, mainly because she looks inside self. Has eyes that really see. Says little but means much because says what she feels. Moves about through the others, trying to avoid spending too much time with Shiloh or Maala. Overanalyzes everything. Tries to connect with everything, find connections between people and the world.
Masquerade: The fake one. Not sure who she is. Tries to be many things. Acts how she percieves people expect her to act. Fake smile, laugh, emotion. Underneath it, she is lost.
Kitty: The childish/child-like one. Optimistic. Nieve. Holds onto ideas and past dreams liek a lifeline. Believes anything can happen. Thinks if she wishes hard enough, gumballs would rain from the sky. Woud jup off a roof with a cape, she will fly. Loves cute things and toys. Shouldn't be around Cosmic or Madge for long periods of time.
Sayuri: The protective one. So full of love, she would protect those she cares about to the death. Think mama bear. Very defensive. Watchful. Has a twin with nearly the same temperment.
Madge: The insane/impulsive one. Doesn't really make her known that much. Prefers to hang back until Kitty or Cosmic are ahead--then she tends to charge forward. Does not think before she acts. Pretty much Mouse's polar opposite. Favorite quote: This doesn't make sense--and neither do I.
Asta: The strong one. Sayuri's twin. Can be rather raar at times, usually in defense. Gathers her abilities from Sayuri. Has a bit of a "fuck 'em" attitude when it comes to facing adversity. Believes she can do anything she puts her mind to. Wont back down. Strong sense of justice.
Stardance Trizt'n: The hippie one. Nature is her god (or is it goddess?) Would live in the woods if she could. Talks to trees. Has connections with animals. Looks for more of what's out there, in the physical and spiritual sense. Only mildly roar when defending what she loves. Then she looks for Asta's help.
Mared: The indecisive one. Cannot make up her mind to save her life. Doesn't really know where she's going or what she's doing. Takes her forever to make up her mind about ANYTHING. Sometimes is found still sitting in the same spot because she couldn't figure out what to wear that day. Avoids problems. Runs away. Nearly hopeless.
So...tadah!
Unwell--Matchbox Twenty
All day starin' at the ceilin' makin' friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices tellin' me that I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for somethin'
Hold on, feelin' like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be.... me
I'm talkin' to myself in public, dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talkin' about me
I can hear them whisper, and it makes me think
There must be somethin' wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinkin', somehow I've lost my mind
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
I've been talkin' in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're takin' me away
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be, how I used to be
I'm just a little unwell........
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Too Damn Nieve to Give a Damn
In my Women of Color class we've been reading Arranged Marriage stories. They're a series of tales about different Indian women and thier empowering moments. The tales have bittersweet endings to them, usually after finding that they cannot rely on men or that their own families or husbands are destroying them as opposed to loving them as they should.
It's a matter of culture.
This is not the only book along those lines we're going to read this semester. We're taking a look at Their Eyes Were Watching God, which I remember absolutely hating in high school. We're also taking a look at The Joy Luck Club which I know is pretty sad and How the Garcia Girls Lost Thier Accents, which though I'm aware that it's bittersweet in parts, I am looking forward to it becuase I love Julia Alvarez.
Still the major theme is empowerment through sad or bad times. Depressing stories basically. And a certain way of looking at men and questioning relations with them. Maybe I wasn't cut out for this class........
I know it's silly to only want to read happy things. I know it's childish to expect there to be Happy Ever Afters and birds tweeting around my head 24/7. I know Disney and etc. builds your hopes up about life, about the way things should be. It's all fiction, not fact.
But, honestly, reality is far too cold and cruel to want to live in it very long. I know there are bad things out there. I acknowledge them strongly. I have seen through movies (based in truth and fiction), the news and reading of events how cruel the world can really be. I have heard through personal accounts of how horrible people can treat one another, what horror that small kids end up seeing. Though I may not have experienced it, no one could call me nieve. I know, not from personal experience, but from connecting, from feeling so strongly what that person must have gone through. Empathy, an almost painful emotion.
So, I can read these books and get through them and try to analyze past the poetic and sad words but I'm still going to have to read The Lorax or Beauty and the Beast or Tweleve Dancing Princesses or East of the Sun and West of the Moon before I go to sleep. Because I don't like nightmares. Because I honestly can't sleep after reading about such depressing things becuase my brain likes to think about everything in my life, analyze every single detail at that time.
At 2 in the morning I can convince myself that I'm worthless, going nowhere and too relient on people who will betray me. Pretty much like any characters I've been reading about. I hate 2 am.
The doubts creep in my mind as I try to take my life and analyze each little bit, each faulty line, like I'm reading something for class or critiquing someone's piece. It's frustrating and I hate it when my brain works overtime making big deals out of nothing and causing more anxiety than what I'm already fighting off.
So I'll stick with my nearly always predicatble set-up love comedies. I'll read Harlequin, because no matter how cheesy they can be, one thing is always certain: There will always be a happy ending. And that's what I truly believe. There is always a happy ending out there.......it's just that there seems to be a hell of a lot of strife in the world, getting in the way of that happiness.
Maybe I am nieve. Maybe I'm too simple.
I do like challenging works. I love Fahrenheit 451 and A Raisin in the Sun. The thing is....with those two, there's an uncertain ending but there is one thing left to those characters: hope. There is hope seeping out of the pages.
I think we could all use a little more hope.
But there is need to cheesy work out there. There is need for a happy ending, for laughter and true love. Nothing is as perfect as it can seem in some stories, but I think you have to take that into account.
Sure, nothing's going to be as great as the ending of a Disney movie. But, there can still be happiness. There can still be love. There can still be finding some kind of contentment out there. I don't care if I'm too simple that I'm amused by commercial lit like Meg Cabot, Roald Dahl, J.K. Rowling, and Mary Janice Davidson. I don't care if I detest war movies or need to see most chick flicks that come out. I don't care if people tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about or the divorce rate is to high or that there is too much shit going on in the world. I don't care if I don't ever watch the news again.
I cannot believe that the world is doomed to sadness. I cannot beleive that The Boy will try to control me or beat me like men have done for centuries. I cannot believe that my family will betray me for what they want out of life. I know I'm way too dependent on The Boy, Doodle, my friends here, my parents. But that's who I am....I'm a very dependent personality. But it's not like this is holding me back. Relying on them is what keeps me going, what makes me strong. I take my strength from that support.
And I see no reason why I should need to drop everything in my life to be empowered. I am simply empowered by the people around me. I don't need to go it alone, Zora; Chitra; Louise......
And this was a really long rant about nothing. Well....at least this won't come out in the middle of class........
It's a matter of culture.
This is not the only book along those lines we're going to read this semester. We're taking a look at Their Eyes Were Watching God, which I remember absolutely hating in high school. We're also taking a look at The Joy Luck Club which I know is pretty sad and How the Garcia Girls Lost Thier Accents, which though I'm aware that it's bittersweet in parts, I am looking forward to it becuase I love Julia Alvarez.
Still the major theme is empowerment through sad or bad times. Depressing stories basically. And a certain way of looking at men and questioning relations with them. Maybe I wasn't cut out for this class........
I know it's silly to only want to read happy things. I know it's childish to expect there to be Happy Ever Afters and birds tweeting around my head 24/7. I know Disney and etc. builds your hopes up about life, about the way things should be. It's all fiction, not fact.
But, honestly, reality is far too cold and cruel to want to live in it very long. I know there are bad things out there. I acknowledge them strongly. I have seen through movies (based in truth and fiction), the news and reading of events how cruel the world can really be. I have heard through personal accounts of how horrible people can treat one another, what horror that small kids end up seeing. Though I may not have experienced it, no one could call me nieve. I know, not from personal experience, but from connecting, from feeling so strongly what that person must have gone through. Empathy, an almost painful emotion.
So, I can read these books and get through them and try to analyze past the poetic and sad words but I'm still going to have to read The Lorax or Beauty and the Beast or Tweleve Dancing Princesses or East of the Sun and West of the Moon before I go to sleep. Because I don't like nightmares. Because I honestly can't sleep after reading about such depressing things becuase my brain likes to think about everything in my life, analyze every single detail at that time.
At 2 in the morning I can convince myself that I'm worthless, going nowhere and too relient on people who will betray me. Pretty much like any characters I've been reading about. I hate 2 am.
The doubts creep in my mind as I try to take my life and analyze each little bit, each faulty line, like I'm reading something for class or critiquing someone's piece. It's frustrating and I hate it when my brain works overtime making big deals out of nothing and causing more anxiety than what I'm already fighting off.
So I'll stick with my nearly always predicatble set-up love comedies. I'll read Harlequin, because no matter how cheesy they can be, one thing is always certain: There will always be a happy ending. And that's what I truly believe. There is always a happy ending out there.......it's just that there seems to be a hell of a lot of strife in the world, getting in the way of that happiness.
Maybe I am nieve. Maybe I'm too simple.
I do like challenging works. I love Fahrenheit 451 and A Raisin in the Sun. The thing is....with those two, there's an uncertain ending but there is one thing left to those characters: hope. There is hope seeping out of the pages.
I think we could all use a little more hope.
But there is need to cheesy work out there. There is need for a happy ending, for laughter and true love. Nothing is as perfect as it can seem in some stories, but I think you have to take that into account.
Sure, nothing's going to be as great as the ending of a Disney movie. But, there can still be happiness. There can still be love. There can still be finding some kind of contentment out there. I don't care if I'm too simple that I'm amused by commercial lit like Meg Cabot, Roald Dahl, J.K. Rowling, and Mary Janice Davidson. I don't care if I detest war movies or need to see most chick flicks that come out. I don't care if people tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about or the divorce rate is to high or that there is too much shit going on in the world. I don't care if I don't ever watch the news again.
I cannot believe that the world is doomed to sadness. I cannot beleive that The Boy will try to control me or beat me like men have done for centuries. I cannot believe that my family will betray me for what they want out of life. I know I'm way too dependent on The Boy, Doodle, my friends here, my parents. But that's who I am....I'm a very dependent personality. But it's not like this is holding me back. Relying on them is what keeps me going, what makes me strong. I take my strength from that support.
And I see no reason why I should need to drop everything in my life to be empowered. I am simply empowered by the people around me. I don't need to go it alone, Zora; Chitra; Louise......
And this was a really long rant about nothing. Well....at least this won't come out in the middle of class........
Monday, November 30, 2009
FML--It's Twilight
So I realized something unsettling today. I am Bella.
Yes, you read that correctly. Bella. As in Bella Swan, worst emo ever created since Jane Eyre.
How could such a thing happen? you might ask. How does one come upon a realization such as this. Well, I'll tell you, it was an unpleasant thing to find staring me in the face.
I was sitting with The Boy, my head leaning on his shoulder, being all silly and clingy and nuzzling-like, and thinking about my stomach. You see, I woke up this morning to the loudness caused by my parents (apparently our dog took off and they were screaming for him, chasing him down the road.....fun times) and instnatly, my brain, which had apparently been dealing with unpleasant dreams was then full of freaking out about schoolwork. I was curled up in bed, fighting the womanly time and a sudden panic attack. Which, you know, was just lovely.
So I was still feeling out my innards, because they're rather testy and thinking about how much my stomach was acting up becuase of my stress. And I nuzzled further and realized that I was not coming home again until most likely, winter break. Which is only three weeks away (!!!!!!!) but still.......
So my stomach twisted some more. Because I'm away at school, which has been harder this semester since I've become a nutcase. And because I really am depending on The Boy a hell of a lot. Which I know is not exactly healthy. But.....I just feel better when I'm with him. I mean, I can still panic.....but for the most part, I feel better when I'm sitting with him and being silly.
And the more I thought about it........the panic attacks, the freaking out, the blagh feeling, the down-ness, the disconnection, the only-feeling-ok-when-with-him.............I realized that I......had become something I did not like.
I am Bella. I freak out when I'm not with my boy, at varying degrees, depending. I have freak outs and feel better with him. Only....The Boy's not an Edward. He's more Jacob if anything....but he's not that either. Agh.
This is horrible. I'm a clingy emo with no feelings. Which is an oxymoron. I think.
*bangs head on desk*
Yes, you read that correctly. Bella. As in Bella Swan, worst emo ever created since Jane Eyre.
How could such a thing happen? you might ask. How does one come upon a realization such as this. Well, I'll tell you, it was an unpleasant thing to find staring me in the face.
I was sitting with The Boy, my head leaning on his shoulder, being all silly and clingy and nuzzling-like, and thinking about my stomach. You see, I woke up this morning to the loudness caused by my parents (apparently our dog took off and they were screaming for him, chasing him down the road.....fun times) and instnatly, my brain, which had apparently been dealing with unpleasant dreams was then full of freaking out about schoolwork. I was curled up in bed, fighting the womanly time and a sudden panic attack. Which, you know, was just lovely.
So I was still feeling out my innards, because they're rather testy and thinking about how much my stomach was acting up becuase of my stress. And I nuzzled further and realized that I was not coming home again until most likely, winter break. Which is only three weeks away (!!!!!!!) but still.......
So my stomach twisted some more. Because I'm away at school, which has been harder this semester since I've become a nutcase. And because I really am depending on The Boy a hell of a lot. Which I know is not exactly healthy. But.....I just feel better when I'm with him. I mean, I can still panic.....but for the most part, I feel better when I'm sitting with him and being silly.
And the more I thought about it........the panic attacks, the freaking out, the blagh feeling, the down-ness, the disconnection, the only-feeling-ok-when-with-him.............I realized that I......had become something I did not like.
I am Bella. I freak out when I'm not with my boy, at varying degrees, depending. I have freak outs and feel better with him. Only....The Boy's not an Edward. He's more Jacob if anything....but he's not that either. Agh.
This is horrible. I'm a clingy emo with no feelings. Which is an oxymoron. I think.
*bangs head on desk*
Monday, November 9, 2009
I Want a Moment to Be Real; Wanna Touch Things I Don't Feel
I've been wondering if whether or not I am human anymore. Or at least, that was something I was wondering about last week. I'm feeling more normal now, which is a good thing.
But last week, I was a mess. Did anyone see it? Hopefully not. I like to think I'm good at hiding it (usually). Internally, I was having a minor freak out session. Mainly from wondering whether I was suffering from depression on top of everything else.....or whether I was simply drifting off into the territory of those crazy less-than-humans, that bunch of slightly off people that make dogs growl and children scatter. The type that usually snaps and starts killing people in cold blood.
That's always been a fear, personally. You know, that I'm insane. Because I talk to myself. Because I can think up ways of people dying. Then again, I've got a pretty vivid imagination..........and Agatha Christie used to do the same thing. Stare at some old plot where her archaeologist husband was digging and be entirely focused on how one could be murdered with a piece of broken pot or a pickaxe. Something along those lines.
So, I'm probably not insane. Just a writer.
But that old fear cropped up again with this whole lack-of-human-emotion thing. I was feeling anger, annoyance, fear.......but not the positive emotions. It was like I was behind a wall of some kind.....like I was disconnected. Like I was on drugs.....which doesn't make sense because I'm totally not, prescription or otherwise.
I was a muddled mess of crap.....and had been for like....two weeks. Until Thursday.
I was up at the mansion for our club officer's meeting. I was early. So I sat down and waited for the others. I happened to be waiting by the wall that's full of all kinds of pamphlets. Relationship abuse, safe sex, the hiv, make sure to clean your vagina....you know the kind.
Then...in between some sex thing and Depression was a pamphlet on Anxiety. Curious, I picked it up. Hey, I was bored.....and besides, maybe it had more to offer than "Well there are pills..." or "Take a deep breath" or "Talk to a professional."
There was the usual......and then, in one section it read: Is it a panic attack? and advised that if you've had 4 or more symptoms to see your physician. So I looked over the list and found that I had, between the time of beginning to flip out over sickness to the present, in fact suffered from 10 of the 13 symptoms.
Wonderful. So....I really do have a problem.
Thankfully, I realized also that I'm not insane. Well, that's a bad way of putting it. I'm the good insane. But I'm not the unfeeling-robot-who-will-totally-flip-someday-and-become-a-serial-killer.
That problem, "Feeling that you're watching yourself from far away, or that everything is either too vivid or not vivid enough" is a symptom of anxiety. Or just a panic attack.
So that's what it all comes back to. Anxiety. And the fact that my mind is trying to destroy me.
Loverly.
And it also says that genetics are part of the cause. And my mother and both grandmothers are worryworts. Gramma even gave herself a STROKE from worrying about Grampa being in a rehabilitation center after breaking his hip really bad.
So you know....this bodes well for me in the long run lol.
But......I am writing on here. I'm talking about it. Hell....I'm joking about it now. I told The Boy he was dating a psycho......and teased my mom about having a daughter who has as many issues as her allergy-ridden dog.
I mean, what else can I do? Sit here and think, good lord, I should just quit school? Because that thought has crossed my mind alot. Quit school, get rid of that stress level.....because the only thing making me go back is my friends.
But if I did quit...then I would be running away. I would be trying to hide back behind my parents, like some little kid on the first day of Kindergarten. I can't run away.....I can't hide myself. I hid myself all summer long, I was a hermit for most of the time and look where it got me: freaking out over little things, zero motivation to do anything academic, gaining a mental problem. It's ridiculous. I never should have done that to myself. But I was running then.
I keep running from responsibility even as I'm asking for people to pile it on. Yeah, I can be an officer, yeah I can do that for you, yeah I can remember that date, yeah sure......I can handle two 400 level courses next spring........
The thing is....I want to run away but some stubborn part of me (the adult part I suppose) is stopping me in my tracks. That half is grabbing the other by it's collar and going "Where the hell d'ya think you're going?" Which you know.....is a positive thing. Because....I'm still here. I'm still doing this......even though I should be doing something productive right now and not typing this blog.....but this is for my mental health so...what the fuck ever.
So, I'll take little moments to enjoy campus (how about that beautiful yet freakish weather today, huh?). I'll take pictures, which is both productive and relaxing. I'll write for a bit about whatever. I'll get hugs amd give them. I'll sit somewhere else to do work or take a water break. Maybe I'll even take a little mental vaykay.......
All those things that they suggest on this sheet of stress relievers my mom gave me. Because I started something and I'm damn well going to finish it. And my brain, my silly little brain, is not going to get in the way of that.
I shall prevail. Hopefully.
I'm Still Here--Goo Goo Dolls
But last week, I was a mess. Did anyone see it? Hopefully not. I like to think I'm good at hiding it (usually). Internally, I was having a minor freak out session. Mainly from wondering whether I was suffering from depression on top of everything else.....or whether I was simply drifting off into the territory of those crazy less-than-humans, that bunch of slightly off people that make dogs growl and children scatter. The type that usually snaps and starts killing people in cold blood.
That's always been a fear, personally. You know, that I'm insane. Because I talk to myself. Because I can think up ways of people dying. Then again, I've got a pretty vivid imagination..........and Agatha Christie used to do the same thing. Stare at some old plot where her archaeologist husband was digging and be entirely focused on how one could be murdered with a piece of broken pot or a pickaxe. Something along those lines.
So, I'm probably not insane. Just a writer.
But that old fear cropped up again with this whole lack-of-human-emotion thing. I was feeling anger, annoyance, fear.......but not the positive emotions. It was like I was behind a wall of some kind.....like I was disconnected. Like I was on drugs.....which doesn't make sense because I'm totally not, prescription or otherwise.
I was a muddled mess of crap.....and had been for like....two weeks. Until Thursday.
I was up at the mansion for our club officer's meeting. I was early. So I sat down and waited for the others. I happened to be waiting by the wall that's full of all kinds of pamphlets. Relationship abuse, safe sex, the hiv, make sure to clean your vagina....you know the kind.
Then...in between some sex thing and Depression was a pamphlet on Anxiety. Curious, I picked it up. Hey, I was bored.....and besides, maybe it had more to offer than "Well there are pills..." or "Take a deep breath" or "Talk to a professional."
There was the usual......and then, in one section it read: Is it a panic attack? and advised that if you've had 4 or more symptoms to see your physician. So I looked over the list and found that I had, between the time of beginning to flip out over sickness to the present, in fact suffered from 10 of the 13 symptoms.
Wonderful. So....I really do have a problem.
Thankfully, I realized also that I'm not insane. Well, that's a bad way of putting it. I'm the good insane. But I'm not the unfeeling-robot-who-will-totally-flip-someday-and-become-a-serial-killer.
That problem, "Feeling that you're watching yourself from far away, or that everything is either too vivid or not vivid enough" is a symptom of anxiety. Or just a panic attack.
So that's what it all comes back to. Anxiety. And the fact that my mind is trying to destroy me.
Loverly.
And it also says that genetics are part of the cause. And my mother and both grandmothers are worryworts. Gramma even gave herself a STROKE from worrying about Grampa being in a rehabilitation center after breaking his hip really bad.
So you know....this bodes well for me in the long run lol.
But......I am writing on here. I'm talking about it. Hell....I'm joking about it now. I told The Boy he was dating a psycho......and teased my mom about having a daughter who has as many issues as her allergy-ridden dog.
I mean, what else can I do? Sit here and think, good lord, I should just quit school? Because that thought has crossed my mind alot. Quit school, get rid of that stress level.....because the only thing making me go back is my friends.
But if I did quit...then I would be running away. I would be trying to hide back behind my parents, like some little kid on the first day of Kindergarten. I can't run away.....I can't hide myself. I hid myself all summer long, I was a hermit for most of the time and look where it got me: freaking out over little things, zero motivation to do anything academic, gaining a mental problem. It's ridiculous. I never should have done that to myself. But I was running then.
I keep running from responsibility even as I'm asking for people to pile it on. Yeah, I can be an officer, yeah I can do that for you, yeah I can remember that date, yeah sure......I can handle two 400 level courses next spring........
The thing is....I want to run away but some stubborn part of me (the adult part I suppose) is stopping me in my tracks. That half is grabbing the other by it's collar and going "Where the hell d'ya think you're going?" Which you know.....is a positive thing. Because....I'm still here. I'm still doing this......even though I should be doing something productive right now and not typing this blog.....but this is for my mental health so...what the fuck ever.
So, I'll take little moments to enjoy campus (how about that beautiful yet freakish weather today, huh?). I'll take pictures, which is both productive and relaxing. I'll write for a bit about whatever. I'll get hugs amd give them. I'll sit somewhere else to do work or take a water break. Maybe I'll even take a little mental vaykay.......
All those things that they suggest on this sheet of stress relievers my mom gave me. Because I started something and I'm damn well going to finish it. And my brain, my silly little brain, is not going to get in the way of that.
I shall prevail. Hopefully.
I'm Still Here--Goo Goo Dolls
I am a question to the world
Not an answer to be heard
Or a moment that's held in your arms
And what do you think you'd ever say
I won't listen anyway
You don't know me
And I'll never be what you want
Me to be
And what
Do you think you'd understand
I'm boy, no, I'm a man
You can't take me
And throw me away
And how
Can you learn what's never shown
Yeah, you stand here on your own
They don't know me
'Cause I'm not here
[Chorus]
And I want a moment to be real
Want to touch things I don't feel
Wanna hold on and feel I belong
And how can the world want me to change
They're the ones that stay the same
They don't know me
'Cause I'm not here
And you see the things they never see
All you wanted - I could be
Now you know me
And I'm not afraid
And I want to tell you who I am
Can you help me be a man
They can't break me
As long as I know who I am
[Chorus]
And how can the world want me to change
They're the ones that stay the same
They can't see me
But I'm still here
They can't tell me who to be
'Cause I'm not what they see
Yeah, the world is still sleepin' while I keep on dreaming for me
And their words are just whispers and lies that I'll never believe
[Chorus]
And how can you say I'll never change
They're the ones that stay the same
I'm the one now
'Cause I'm still here
I'm the one
'Cause I'm still here
I'm still here
I'm still here
I'm still here.....
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Tales of a Loony
So I suppose I should actually write things down. You know there's a problem when a writer doesn't want to express herself. I guess it's because I keep things bottled up inside. I don't share them, I don't go into them and even when I do, I might leave something out or I feel I'm complaining too much.
I guess it was easier with MDD when it was still in existance. At least then I wasn't have full blown anxiety.
Where to start........
Well, I guess I should begin at the start of this semester. I am taking hard classes. I knew that from the start. I knew that when Scott told me "this is a pretty high reading load" and I was like yeah yeah I can totally do it. Hello......I'm the kid who shocked her Kindergarten teacher because she knew how to read before she even got to school. I'm the kid who used to read during class and who dug into a few adult books at a relatively young age. I've been known to read 4 to 5 books at the same time. I could handle reading a few chapters every night. I could handle large research papers, projects and pieces of writing every few days. I could totally take an 8:30 AM class with no trouble....it's only two days a week.
Yeah, stupid me.
Apparently, the pressure has gotten to me and I didn't even realize it. I mean yeah.......I got sick. But why did I get sick?
Because I'm on the go. Becuase I don't get enough sleep, I don't eat well (and who really can at SVC?), and our school is a petri dish. I got sick and I ignored it. A normal cold turned into a small sinus infection and I ended up convincing myself that I was going to die.
My own brain, my own overactive imagination, became a torture device that I set on myself.
I was convinced I had a brain tumor. That I had cancer. That my heart would give out. That I would stop breathing in my sleep. That my heart would stop beating in my sleep. That I would faint in class or on the way to the bus. That I had mucus in my lungs and was going to get pneumonia or something like that.
Essentially, I convinced myself that something was seriously wrong with me. I convinced myself that I was probably going to die. And I got freaked out. Because there's a lot of things I want to do. I want to enjoy the rest of college. I want to keep having movie nights with the girls. I want to watch Host Club until 6 in the morning with everybody. I want to joke around with everyone. I want to go skulking with Doodle and finally tell what few teachers in high school I liked, exactly how much positive influence they had on me. I want to finally fix my public speaking issue and do more improv. I want to enjoy the seasons and the weather. I want to have more crazy mock fights. I want to keep having random conversations about nothing. I want to keep making my boy laugh. I want to graduate. I want to be published. I want to help kids, I want to get married. I want to havea family. I want to travel and do great things. I want to have epic road trips. I want to grow old with my boy.
So I was freaking out because I thought I wasn't going to be able to do these things. So I thought, what's the point of doing this homework? What's the point in going to this early morning class? Why is everything I'm reading for class suddenly as morbid as I feel?
And every night, it took me an hour to go to sleep becuase I had to calm myself down and re-convince myself that I was going to wake up in the morning. And this went on for an entire week.
Now, I've been to the doctors. There's nothing wrong with me. She listened to my heart and lungs. Nothing odd. She listened to and felt around my abdomen. Nothing out of place. She did a throat culture because my throat was kinda red and still, it came back negative. I got blood work done and no mono, no diseases, nothing wrong. I'm not even anemic.
I'm normal. Though my dad did point out that I'm not really normal.......I mean, I'm his daughter right?
Still, nothing is wrong with me.
And I feel a little better. But still, I have a bit of freaking out still about me. Last night it took me an hour and a half to get to sleep because I thought my heart was doing funky things. Even now I'm wondering if it is or if I'm breathing weird.
But it's apparently all in my head.
The doctor asked me which grade I'm in. She was rather surprised to find that I'm a junior in college. "Most of the time, anxiety shows up among Freshmen."
Yeah, well, my dad always said I'd probably be a late bloomer like him.
She suggested anxiety meds. She suggested talking to someone. My mother laughed when she said the Center.
"That's where I work actually."
I'm not one for medication. Counseling types make me nervous. So I really don't know what to do.
I'm still at home because I think I need it. I need a break from everything. I need a mini vacation, a chance to rest, be mothered and try to regain some sense of I can do it. Becuase apparently, it just got to be too much.
I'm so worried about staying on top of my grades, of getting on Provost's List again because I let my parents down too much in the past. I'm so freaked out about that.....about getting work done even when I can't concentrate and I procrastinate and make things harder for myself.........
I just make myself worse.
So here I am writing it down. Because maybe that was my problem. Yeah I talked a little bit about it to friends, to The Boy, to my parents. But not all of it and not all the time.
Maybe I just need to write it down. The writer must write.....right?
I guess it was easier with MDD when it was still in existance. At least then I wasn't have full blown anxiety.
Where to start........
Well, I guess I should begin at the start of this semester. I am taking hard classes. I knew that from the start. I knew that when Scott told me "this is a pretty high reading load" and I was like yeah yeah I can totally do it. Hello......I'm the kid who shocked her Kindergarten teacher because she knew how to read before she even got to school. I'm the kid who used to read during class and who dug into a few adult books at a relatively young age. I've been known to read 4 to 5 books at the same time. I could handle reading a few chapters every night. I could handle large research papers, projects and pieces of writing every few days. I could totally take an 8:30 AM class with no trouble....it's only two days a week.
Yeah, stupid me.
Apparently, the pressure has gotten to me and I didn't even realize it. I mean yeah.......I got sick. But why did I get sick?
Because I'm on the go. Becuase I don't get enough sleep, I don't eat well (and who really can at SVC?), and our school is a petri dish. I got sick and I ignored it. A normal cold turned into a small sinus infection and I ended up convincing myself that I was going to die.
My own brain, my own overactive imagination, became a torture device that I set on myself.
I was convinced I had a brain tumor. That I had cancer. That my heart would give out. That I would stop breathing in my sleep. That my heart would stop beating in my sleep. That I would faint in class or on the way to the bus. That I had mucus in my lungs and was going to get pneumonia or something like that.
Essentially, I convinced myself that something was seriously wrong with me. I convinced myself that I was probably going to die. And I got freaked out. Because there's a lot of things I want to do. I want to enjoy the rest of college. I want to keep having movie nights with the girls. I want to watch Host Club until 6 in the morning with everybody. I want to joke around with everyone. I want to go skulking with Doodle and finally tell what few teachers in high school I liked, exactly how much positive influence they had on me. I want to finally fix my public speaking issue and do more improv. I want to enjoy the seasons and the weather. I want to have more crazy mock fights. I want to keep having random conversations about nothing. I want to keep making my boy laugh. I want to graduate. I want to be published. I want to help kids, I want to get married. I want to havea family. I want to travel and do great things. I want to have epic road trips. I want to grow old with my boy.
So I was freaking out because I thought I wasn't going to be able to do these things. So I thought, what's the point of doing this homework? What's the point in going to this early morning class? Why is everything I'm reading for class suddenly as morbid as I feel?
And every night, it took me an hour to go to sleep becuase I had to calm myself down and re-convince myself that I was going to wake up in the morning. And this went on for an entire week.
Now, I've been to the doctors. There's nothing wrong with me. She listened to my heart and lungs. Nothing odd. She listened to and felt around my abdomen. Nothing out of place. She did a throat culture because my throat was kinda red and still, it came back negative. I got blood work done and no mono, no diseases, nothing wrong. I'm not even anemic.
I'm normal. Though my dad did point out that I'm not really normal.......I mean, I'm his daughter right?
Still, nothing is wrong with me.
And I feel a little better. But still, I have a bit of freaking out still about me. Last night it took me an hour and a half to get to sleep because I thought my heart was doing funky things. Even now I'm wondering if it is or if I'm breathing weird.
But it's apparently all in my head.
The doctor asked me which grade I'm in. She was rather surprised to find that I'm a junior in college. "Most of the time, anxiety shows up among Freshmen."
Yeah, well, my dad always said I'd probably be a late bloomer like him.
She suggested anxiety meds. She suggested talking to someone. My mother laughed when she said the Center.
"That's where I work actually."
I'm not one for medication. Counseling types make me nervous. So I really don't know what to do.
I'm still at home because I think I need it. I need a break from everything. I need a mini vacation, a chance to rest, be mothered and try to regain some sense of I can do it. Becuase apparently, it just got to be too much.
I'm so worried about staying on top of my grades, of getting on Provost's List again because I let my parents down too much in the past. I'm so freaked out about that.....about getting work done even when I can't concentrate and I procrastinate and make things harder for myself.........
I just make myself worse.
So here I am writing it down. Because maybe that was my problem. Yeah I talked a little bit about it to friends, to The Boy, to my parents. But not all of it and not all the time.
Maybe I just need to write it down. The writer must write.....right?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
